Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

I know the narcissist so well but who am I after the battle has stopped waging?

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sea storm:
That is so true that i resent mysself for not being stronger, more free, more dashing, capable and a love magnet for all. I could go on and on. This is why I need a friend and why we all need friends. Things just go haywire without a good, gentle wise friend

sea storm:
Thanks for replying. You mean you finally just snapped out of it?????? That is some kind of miracle because one loses their resiliency in a crazy relationship with a narcissist. I mean that being manipulated and used kind of freeze dries the brain rendering it less capable of making good, self saving decisions.
I think that Voicelessness is a treasure and their are strong signals here and people making them who are finding their way out of the conditioning and soul murder. In the olden days one just rode off a cliff or put rocks in their pockets and no  wonder! Recovering from trauma is a difficult journey.
What you say about the dichotomy of surviving a physical trauma versus the survival of a psychological trauma is sooooooooo true. I guess we are in the infancy of discovering how to re invent ourselves and having to find the way.
I have read so much about it all and done a lot of work on family of origin, you name it I tried it.

I kind of miss the stories of the survivors who are just emerging from fresh trauma. The good part about this is that those who  wrote into Voicelessness gradually calmed down and felt supported and not so terribly alone. I mean that is how I felt. God knows that it was definately like surviving the sinking of the Titanic. Takes all resources plus more.

A friend of mine died last week and it has thrown me back to a dark, sad, fearful place. I know enough to just ride with it and I have faith I will survive. Meanwhile the rest of the world is very busy and accomplishing lots, making appointments, arranging to climb higher up the imaginary ladder but I am just off the ladder for now and probably for a while. She was a workaholic who burned out and got kicked out of the hospital system. I went to several human resources meeting with her but they were just feeding her a line of bs. She kept jusmping through ridiculous hoops that required a lot of time and work. As an outsider who was peculiarly suited to help her speak up and not get flattened, I saw that they were throwing straw to a drowning person. She was a person from the sinking of the Titanic. She wanted to keep her status as a nurse. They were throwing straw to a drowning person.

Then she got cancer. All this makes me feel sad.   I can see the meeting and the professionals enjoying their power over her and they were NEVER going to let her go back to her job but they just played cat and mouse with her.  I guess that is why it bugs me. I would like to expose them as frauds and the system as rotten but it is so hugely bigger than me or anyone. All I can say is that I am sorry that she did not prefer being a bag lady or selling doughnuts at Tim Hortons to staying in that monolithic bureaucracy.
There are lots of narcissists around and they love to work their way into power over others. At least I can recognize the game and not feel like a frog being boiled slowly.

Lately, I have been just giving up and freefalling. Is there a name for the group who were not on the Titanic but survived something awful?  I think there could be a good group there.

I watched the movie Americal Sniper and saw clearly how a person can be taken apart and how difficult it is to rebuild. I think it was a bit of a fairytale in that it is not as easy as helping others. But how brainless and heartless it is to expect people to go to war and come back without terrible, debilitating psychological wounds?


waving the flag of peace

Sea

ann3:
Seastorm, this discussion really resonates with me. 
“My mind is still trying to order the chaos …….God knows that it was definately like surviving the sinking of the Titanic. Takes all resources plus more”.
Yes, absolutely.

I remember your story.  You really went thru the wringer, but you are describing it so poetically and clearly, that I think you have come out the other side.  You sound good.  No doubt, there's wear and tear, which one would expect a Titanic survivor to have, but your voice is clear and strong.

My condolences on your friend.  “they were throwing straw to a drowning person”:  wow, what an image! So sad.  I can see how witnessing that, plus her death, could re-trigger the N wound.  This makes me wonder:  Is the N wound always there, but sometimes goes dormant and other times, gets reactivated?

But, then I read what teartracks wrote about waking up one morning and finding that “it’s shelf life had expired”!  Another great image!  And the 15 year miracle!  I agree about the cyclic rhythm of our lives. 
Teartracks, you give me a lot of hope that one day, the N wound will, poof!, disappear.

sea storm:
Such a relief to hear your thoughts and feel your compassion. I feel like a leper when I am this sad and frozen. For days I just didn't want to get out of bed. i just think all this rushing around justifying my existence is useless. I don't know if I am coming to my senses or losing them. As I don't have a thick layer of protection and feel vulnerable a lot and can't face the world. The old intrusive thoughts are back and for some reason in my dreams I am in a state of perfect love with my ex. I am blessing him. My dreams are reminding me of why I loved my first husband, the cocaine dealer, and then Edward who died of Porphyria.

Today I washed my hair for the first time in eight days. I had a shower and did the dishes. I phoned up a woman who just happened to tell me about her job working for social services in the child apprehension department. Now theres the Titanic for sure. Some angels work there and not get caught up in the drama and horror of it and stay focused on the needs of the children. But that is a very steep slope to climb with many ice patches and no ssfety net. I seem particularly suited to helping her because I went through it too. She is just soldiering on with courage and heart but she looks so tired and worn out. I feel the need to help someone else to get out of my free fall into self absorption. Maybe I will stop thinking about my ex. Its been over two years since he died in the arms of his new true love.

I hope I am a good friend. Seems I am only capable of being a good friend and fully present when I am not going bonkers. I live in a small town and you kind of take it where you can get it. There needs to be some change both inner and outer.

Oh yes, my sister has bi polar disorder and she does not take medication. This is more spectacular than a Barnum and Bayley Circus. I invited her for Christmas and she had a meltdown. I feel responsible because I could not take it. She starts going on about how evil I am. It is a torment to me. I am not talking to her since Christmas when I told her to get out of my house. I feel so angry that she loves her highs more than anything.  She has no insight into how it affects her loved ones ie me. So ok go your merry way and don't take anything so low and common as medication but I am not going to be there for the circus. I think I am part of the problem anyway. Rather than cause a big fight, I go along with her delusions. I go along with her rages against innocent people, I go along with her grandiosity. I am actually very close to her but the damage has been done and I can't go back. I realize that she is sick but it is way too big for me.

Thanks for your kind hearts

\love
Sea storm

sKePTiKal:
Hi Seastorm... it's me, the old PR.

I "believe" - all evidence point to it anyway - that I have come out "the other side" too. But, it is still true that I deal with my experience every day, too. It's not an "or" equation; it's an "and". Life still has it's challenges - even new ones - and there isn't any rose-colored "happy place" that never ends after "coming through". There are however, lots more of those rose-colored, spectacularly beautiful "moments" -- moments that add up and fill whatever holes we still carry around inside. Shoot, I find I can even create some of those now instead of expecting it to "just happen" or rely on others to supply that.

What I believe - now - is that our struggles and experiences are very valuable and rare life lessons. We know what's important and what's not. We have learned how to stand apart from the dramas all around us and cut to the chase. We've stopped expecting full, complete and perfect resolution to who we've become - by way of our difficulties - and can appreciate the Rumpelstiltskin trick: turning straw into gold. What we previously saw as our ugly places, the weaknesses, what we were told was wrong with us... are now "beauty marks"... refined into characteristics that are as strong as spun silk, or stainless steel woven with titanium and reflect the light back out into the world with the freshness of a partially opened flower blossom.

We are who we are - because of what we've lived through and come to terms with - forged in the fire of life, quenched in pure light-sparkled waters, and stronger because of it. Many don't make it. Many don't even START the process. And we can't save them all. That's not a failure on our part either.

To everything there is a season.

Never EVER underestimate the power of small, insignificant, random acts of kindness.

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