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Pondering
Twoapenny:
Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 04, 2015, 06:07:28 PM ---Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
--- End quote ---
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on February 05, 2015, 05:55:56 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on February 04, 2015, 06:07:28 PM ---Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
--- End quote ---
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
--- End quote ---
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
Hopalong:
Wow, Tupp. I hear/feel what's troubling you.
I think perfectionism does trigger recurrent anxiety.
I used to have full-tilt panic attacks, and a lot of it
spun out from anxious ruminations. So much that
I didn't/couldn't/hadn't done in the impeccable ways
I could IMAGINE it.
It was as though just because I could imagine an
ideal, I had trouble settling back into the real, including
my imperfect self.
I've told this tale here before (bear with me) but this
was also before I had the big lightbulb
of the venturing into an actual visualization exercise and for
the first and only time, had an inner, loving, deeply compassionate
encounter with the lost, sad little girl inside me. I actually bent
over and looked into her face. Saw and recognized my own eyes,
"her" eyelashes, child-soft skin, babylike hair. And, the sadness
in her eyes and the dignity and seriousness of her expression.
With equal seriousness and enormous tenderness I said to her,
"I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you, and I am so sorry
for how sad you are feeling. I want you to know that I will never
leave you alone again, and I will always be with you." "She"
nodded and reached up and put her arms around my neck. In this
deep, deep imagining state...almost similar to when I was once
hypnotized I literally felt, very subtly but real, the sudden weight
of her arms on my shoulders.
That moment was so powerful to me that it forever changed my
relationship with myself.
I forget, and have to get back on track with it still, which is okay.
But when my anxious perfectionistic thinking kicks in, taking a few
moments to intentionally remember that experience, eases it.
All that babble to say, there's an inner little (((((Tupp))) who might
need somebody to speak to her that compassionately. To let her
know what children already know. Perfection is a weird adult thing,
and she doesn't have to pay attention to it. Or whatever else you
might want to tell her.
For me there was no elaborate ritual. Just a quiet sunny afternoon
when I sat in a comfy position and asked myself, let's go deep inside
and conjure up my inner child. And reassure her. And then that's
how it played out in my mind.
Hope that helps and of course you can date. Or not. The main thing
is to know that you can give yourself permission to do what is helping
you in your life:
1) Go to counseling.
2) Quit or change a counselor.
2) Speak up and tell a counselor: I find my anxiety surged when you
suggested I connect with my mother. So I'm concerned you don't have
a grasp of what I need. And, I felt distress at how quickly you moved
to recommend medication. I need a more thoughtful approach to that.
3) Try a date. You are allowed to experiment. One at a time. It doesn't
have to be a new identity "I am now a person who is dating." It can just
be.."Huh. I think I feel like trying a date. I'll see how it goes."
4) Not date. Be a born-again spinster and embrace it. (Again, it's good
imo to sort out which of these things are about having a "proper narrative"
about yourself, as though you're designing an appealing character for the
culture or other people to approve of...as opposed to having a genuine
experience that you've chosen because of genuine interest in yourself.
As to being "addicted" to counseling...I remember once talking to the old
poet who ran my writing program about my fear of therapy, how it might
take something away from my creativity. He was in his late 70s. He said, "Oh
no! For me, it didn't damage my creativity, it released it! I still have
a fellow on Cathedral Street I go see when it's all too much." :)
So maybe just maybe, the "person who is addicted to counseling" is another
self-generated negative judgment? When you'd never judge somebody who
needed an insulin pump for making use of their medication for the rest of
their life or as long as their body needed it...why judge a person with anxiety who needs
a kind of "talking medicine" to keep their mind well? For as long as they need it?
Hope some of that makes sense or helps, I'm not sure it should!
Love and cheer to you,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 05, 2015, 01:02:12 PM ---Wow, Tupp. I hear/feel what's troubling you.
I think perfectionism does trigger recurrent anxiety.
I used to have full-tilt panic attacks, and a lot of it
spun out from anxious ruminations. So much that
I didn't/couldn't/hadn't done in the impeccable ways
I could IMAGINE it.
It was as though just because I could imagine an
ideal, I had trouble settling back into the real, including
my imperfect self.
I've told this tale here before (bear with me) but this
was also before I had the big lightbulb
of the venturing into an actual visualization exercise and for
the first and only time, had an inner, loving, deeply compassionate
encounter with the lost, sad little girl inside me. I actually bent
over and looked into her face. Saw and recognized my own eyes,
"her" eyelashes, child-soft skin, babylike hair. And, the sadness
in her eyes and the dignity and seriousness of her expression.
With equal seriousness and enormous tenderness I said to her,
"I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you, and I am so sorry
for how sad you are feeling. I want you to know that I will never
leave you alone again, and I will always be with you." "She"
nodded and reached up and put her arms around my neck. In this
deep, deep imagining state...almost similar to when I was once
hypnotized I literally felt, very subtly but real, the sudden weight
of her arms on my shoulders.
That moment was so powerful to me that it forever changed my
relationship with myself.
I forget, and have to get back on track with it still, which is okay.
But when my anxious perfectionistic thinking kicks in, taking a few
moments to intentionally remember that experience, eases it.
All that babble to say, there's an inner little (((((Tupp))) who might
need somebody to speak to her that compassionately. To let her
know what children already know. Perfection is a weird adult thing,
and she doesn't have to pay attention to it. Or whatever else you
might want to tell her.
For me there was no elaborate ritual. Just a quiet sunny afternoon
when I sat in a comfy position and asked myself, let's go deep inside
and conjure up my inner child. And reassure her. And then that's
how it played out in my mind.
Hope that helps and of course you can date. Or not. The main thing
is to know that you can give yourself permission to do what is helping
you in your life:
1) Go to counseling.
2) Quit or change a counselor.
2) Speak up and tell a counselor: I find my anxiety surged when you
suggested I connect with my mother. So I'm concerned you don't have
a grasp of what I need. And, I felt distress at how quickly you moved
to recommend medication. I need a more thoughtful approach to that.
3) Try a date. You are allowed to experiment. One at a time. It doesn't
have to be a new identity "I am now a person who is dating." It can just
be.."Huh. I think I feel like trying a date. I'll see how it goes."
4) Not date. Be a born-again spinster and embrace it. (Again, it's good
imo to sort out which of these things are about having a "proper narrative"
about yourself, as though you're designing an appealing character for the
culture or other people to approve of...as opposed to having a genuine
experience that you've chosen because of genuine interest in yourself.
As to being "addicted" to counseling...I remember once talking to the old
poet who ran my writing program about my fear of therapy, how it might
take something away from my creativity. He was in his late 70s. He said, "Oh
no! For me, it didn't damage my creativity, it released it! I still have
a fellow on Cathedral Street I go see when it's all too much." :)
So maybe just maybe, the "person who is addicted to counseling" is another
self-generated negative judgment? When you'd never judge somebody who
needed an insulin pump for making use of their medication for the rest of
their life or as long as their body needed it...why judge a person with anxiety who needs
a kind of "talking medicine" to keep their mind well? For as long as they need it?
Hope some of that makes sense or helps, I'm not sure it should!
Love and cheer to you,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Aw Hops, helps loads, will read and re-read! Can really identify with the inner child stuff, very powerful and yes, I think I just swopped my old persona - drunk, high, not caring, impervious - to a new one of ultra balanced, middle of the road, politically correct, responsible parent and I'm still trying to live up to what I've created in my mind. So yes, I think somewhere between the two is a good place to be. I've been very imperfect today, lazed around a bit, watched some TV, had a shoe throwing competition with my son (he won!). I'm feeling more comfortable with the idea of just accepting there will be times when I do feel anxious, overwhelmed, inadequate and all the rest of it and I need to say to myself well so what and just get on with it. I am feeling more and more like I want to interact with people, which I haven't really wanted to do for such a long time now. I think this is a good thing?! Thank you :)
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