Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Pondering
Hopalong:
(((((Tupp))))))
I wonder if maybe the harsh judgments you fear are actually your own, projected into whomever you meet?
IOW, sure, people can be shallow and make little remarks that feel judgmental. But unless they're truly mean, toxic, and out to hurt you...it could be that a lot of folks just aren't particularly sensitive and aren't weighing everything they spout. (Oh that they WOULD, I'm with you!).
Maybe the goal is to learn to be sooooooooooo at peace, content, trusting in your own goodness and life path...that any passing remark won't destablize you or deflate your joy like a farting balloon?
I think the focus is partly on picking safe/kind people, but most of it is probably about turning into your own harsh judgments of yourself...being convinced that this is what's filling up the brains of those you encounter.
It's probably not. They're probably not half as focused on your deficiencies as they are on...do I have a headache, yum I want to eat that, whaddoIgottado about dinner later, I'm tired, jeez when is spring, etc....
Am I off base? (Sure could be.)
Love to you,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: teartracks on March 05, 2015, 08:06:06 PM ---
Hi Twoapenny,
We humans come in so many varieties. I think that's why it's nearly impossible to 'nutshell' solutions in our responses to one another. So I'll skip trying to interject what works for me. However, I stumbled upon the term 'free range humans' tonight in an article I think was written by Anne Graham Lotz. So I scampered off to see what was online about the subject. As always, there's a mess of 'stuff', but one interesting book popped up. Lo and behold the title is, BE A FREE RANGE HUMAN - MARIANNE CANTWELL (PAPERBACK) NEW It has a 5 star rating ( I think ) on Amazon. I looked for used cheap copies but the price is still up there pushing $20 wherever I looked. There are some interesting comments (101) on Amazon about the book. So the public must be agreeing with her take on what it means to be a free range human. I want to read it, but I'm not willing to pay the price right now and I don't have Kendall. Just thought I'd pass on all I know about free range humans, because it sounds very interesting to me. One site offers a test to see if you are a free range human. I didn't take it because it smacked of 'I'm just out to get you, stupid'. I don't know if it was. Just my take.
Here's what I think is people are just people. You take them as they are or if you just can't take them, sprint away LOL. "The heart is wicked, who can know it?" Was that Solomon or David who said that?
tt
PS Well, looks like Free Range Humans focus is how to create a business life (well - our business is life, so I guess it's applicable) that makes you go to work every day smiling. I'm just guessing. Just the idea of being a free range human appeals to me.
--- End quote ---
Thanks TT, will have a look for that :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 06, 2015, 06:54:36 PM ---(((((Tupp))))))
I wonder if maybe the harsh judgments you fear are actually your own, projected into whomever you meet?
IOW, sure, people can be shallow and make little remarks that feel judgmental. But unless they're truly mean, toxic, and out to hurt you...it could be that a lot of folks just aren't particularly sensitive and aren't weighing everything they spout. (Oh that they WOULD, I'm with you!).
Maybe the goal is to learn to be sooooooooooo at peace, content, trusting in your own goodness and life path...that any passing remark won't destablize you or deflate your joy like a farting balloon?
I think the focus is partly on picking safe/kind people, but most of it is probably about turning into your own harsh judgments of yourself...being convinced that this is what's filling up the brains of those you encounter.
It's probably not. They're probably not half as focused on your deficiencies as they are on...do I have a headache, yum I want to eat that, whaddoIgottado about dinner later, I'm tired, jeez when is spring, etc....
Am I off base? (Sure could be.)
Love to you,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hi Hops,
I wrote a reply earlier and it vanished! So if two suddenly appear that is why :) But basically it said this:
I do know what you mean and I do agree with you. But I also feel I've got to a stage where I'm not willing to keep working on myself to try and attain that sort of zen like status where nothing matters so I can be around people who can't be bothered to think about what they say or who do nothing but gossip and criticise. I think it's more to do with the mindset of that sort of person rather than the actual comments themselves, if you see what I mean? For example, for my son's birthday I invited people I know for cake, more for him as we don't have family and I always feel bad that his birthday is just him and me. A lot of them are lovely, obviously, and I want to hang on to those people. But over the course of two days I had to listen to racist comments (which I find abhorrent), had 'jokes' about my not working and doing nothing all day (I gave up a professional career to look after my son and do fourteen to twenty hours a day with him, and I've pulled this person up about their 'jokes' before) and someone telling me that I shouldn't have a dishwasher as there are only two of us in the house. It's not so much the comments themselves, it's the kind of people that make those comments, if you see what I mean? In the same way that it isn't that I think my house ought to be cleaner or tidier, it's just knowing that some of the people coming will look for something to criticise - it's the mentality rather than the individual remarks, if that makes sense? I just feel I've got to a point where I don't want to have to listen to it, and equally I don't want to get into pitched battles about what people say, I'd rather just be around people who don't think like that in the first place? I think it's partly to do with getting older, I'm getting quite fussy about what I eat as well! perhaps quality gets more important as we age?
Hopalong:
Yes. I get it. Constant shallowness, with pleasure in criticizing as the engine that keeps it going, is exhausting. Yes yes yes.
Finding people who don't do that...sounds like the right project to me!
My new neighbor is delightful and I'm very glad she moved in, but I sometimes get fatigued by her obsessive speculation about other people. Even other neighbors. She keeps asking me questions about what other people do/think/plan that I simply don't know answers to, and also speculates a great deal about what they expect, what they approve of or won't...etc. And she usually has some skirmish or drama going with someone in her life. To me, one of the key phrases she uses a LOT is: "People say..." and then she recounts loads of friends' opinions about what she's doing or not doing.
I've learned to be literal and ask her, "Gosh who are all these people who keep judging you? Sounds like you have a big group of people who say undermining things. I think you made a magnificent decision. Etc..."
It's wearing though I'm glad we're becoming friends. I am being watchful about boundaries because I think we handle them a bit differently.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 08, 2015, 09:06:14 AM ---Yes. I get it. Constant shallowness, with pleasure in criticizing as the engine that keeps it going, is exhausting. Yes yes yes.
Finding people who don't do that...sounds like the right project to me!
My new neighbor is delightful and I'm very glad she moved in, but I sometimes get fatigued by her obsessive speculation about other people. Even other neighbors. She keeps asking me questions about what other people do/think/plan that I simply don't know answers to, and also speculates a great deal about what they expect, what they approve of or won't...etc. And she usually has some skirmish or drama going with someone in her life. To me, one of the key phrases she uses a LOT is: "People say..." and then she recounts loads of friends' opinions about what she's doing or not doing.
I've learned to be literal and ask her, "Gosh who are all these people who keep judging you? Sounds like you have a big group of people who say undermining things. I think you made a magnificent decision. Etc..."
It's wearing though I'm glad we're becoming friends. I am being watchful about boundaries because I think we handle them a bit differently.
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Yes she does sound a bit tiring, I find I've no energy for other people's dramas any more :) I feel I do see a lot of people for the sake of being nice and not rocking the apple cart and I think that's the bit I need to deal with - I know that no friendship/relationship is perfect and we all say and do things that can be rude/offensive/thoughtless and so on, but generally I think relationships should be mostly good with the odd annoyance that doesn't overshadow the good stuff and I don't feel like some of mine are like that! I've been thinking what it would be like if there were some people I never saw again and the answer is I wouldn't really miss them - it's not that I intensely dislike them but they just aren't fun to be around and I think I am lacking fun in my life :)
Speaking of fun - and I hope it's okay to ask - did you go out for a second date with the chap you mentioned a little while ago? :)
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