I read through your whole post and it felt so good to connect with you because of your sensitivity and sincerity. I really sat up at your first post. You are wonderfully honest.
As time went on and you kept posting it was kind of amazing to see you get insight into your problems and set goals and JUST DO IT. Very brave of you.
I notice that you sort of catastrophize events that happen to you or put them as good or bad. You did a really nice thing for the handyman. Even if he did not reply, it is very rare for anyone to receive such a kind and generous note. Even though you think groups are pretty boring you gave it a shot and found that it lifted your mood.
More positive self talk might help. Like " I am unique and lovable" . Living in your head in a nice imaginary world is such a comfy way of coping. It is a the way of the artist for sure.
As for being ordinary, I don't think so. I love the descriptions of your struggles and your life and if I was there I would want to have you as a friend.
There is nothing wrong with being normal, is there? I know what you mean about normal and it is scarey to think that this is it. This is all there is. When i do that I feel awful and realize it is the mean and self destructive part of me , the inner critic, having a hay day. The only thing that helps is to connect with other people. Even a little bit.
I hope you write more.
Love
Sea
