Rejection and Self-Esteem

[sunblue]

Hello Everyone and Happy 2015!

I've been away for awhile dealing with a year of losses.  I lost my dad and two family friends, I lost my job and lost a friendship I thought I had.  I'm coming closer to acceptance and understanding now that my dad has passed...but it doesn't make the reality any easier.  Perhaps because I have a Narcissistic mother and sister and had a wonderfully sweet, but totally co-dependent, dad that I have always deeply felt rejection.  In fact, I could make a good case for changing my middle name to "rejected"! 

I'm dealing with a situation now that I'm having trouble with and I know it has something to do with my lack of self-esteem.  Perhaps some of you can identify or offer insight. 

About 9 months ago, I reconnected via social media with a guy (single) I had gone to school with and whom I briefly dated.  Although I hadn't seem him in person in many years, we kept in touch with the occasional email or post.  I had always considered him a friend.  He prefers to text so we had texted consistently through the last 9 months and talked of getting together.  We finally met for drinks back in early October.  We talked for about 5 hours that night and had a nice time.  We continued to text and he asked to get together again.  I agreed and I met him at his place where we talked some more.  Things heated up that night but I stopped him (i.e., no sex) before it went too far.  I felt it was too soon and I told him so.  After that evening, he stopped texting (except very vague replies to a couple of texts I initiated) and now communication has stopped completely.

Intellectually, I know this guy is probably not a great guy.  I think his behavior probably points to that.  Some examples: He refused to have a phone conversation with me. He was non-specific when we tried to get together (so I never knew if we had firm plans to meet or not).  He never asked me anything about me or expressed an interest in my life. (When I questioned him, he said he figured anything I wanted him to know I would tell him).  He had little memory of the times we had spent together years ago (including dates). He refused to read any text from me that was longer than a sentence or two and was fairly rude after the last time we met and I tried to communicate with him. He didn't acknowledge my birthday (even via social media which he constantly uses).   Anyway, you get the idea.

So for now, I have ceased trying to get him to respond to me.  Yet, I can't get this out of my head.  I'm really hurt and feel rejected because now I realize there is no way we can ever be friends again because of how he chose to respond and interact with me.  I really wasn't looking for anything more than friendship from him (although that would have been a bonus).  I know he was probably not interested in me or attracted to me.  (Through his texts, I understood he had been with a lot of women and was very much interested in sex.)

So now I feel like a real loser.  I've been rejected lots of times before (most notably my family, of course) but I feel very lonely and this has taken a hit on my self-esteem which was never good to begin with.  I wonder why I'm taking this so hard and having trouble processing it?  I know that if I presented these facts to most single women, they would think I probably dodged a bullet......but I still feel sad, rejected and hurt that after the last 9 months, he would just stop all communications altogether.

I'm wondering if this is so heightened for me because I've been rejected all my life from my family and because all of the losses I have?  I'm tempted to ask him what happened and why he won't respond to me....but I think that might make me look even worse and he'd probably ignore it anyway.  I can't seem to let go of this hurt and rejection.

I think, on some level, I also feel lonely because there some days his texts were the only communication I had with anyone and this past year has been so, so difficult.

So am I thinking about this wrong?  Is it normal to feel this way about this rejection?  Why can't I let go of this?  Anyone have any insights?

[Hopalong]

I think you've read him, and yourself, exactly spot-on right, SunBlue.
And I agree -- the recovery from rejection (even when you know you got lucky when a user drifts away) is more painful to children with an Nparent/Nsibiling. But that doesn't mean it's impossible and it doesn't mean we're doomed to spend our lives reverberating. We really CAN heal.

You have read it all very intelligently, imo. Your mind understands it all very clearly. I think you comprehend him exactly right--yourself, too.
It's a disappointment and your emotions are recycling old wounds. I think there are really helpful things to do until the hurt passes (which it WILL):

--Get off the internet and texting WHILE COMMITTING TO meet people in activities in real life.
Find something to do, volunteer, class, art lesson -- and make a six-month commitment to do it once a week.
Find some from of community or support group -- and make a six-month commitment to do it once a week.

--If doc okays, increase whatever form of exercise you do until you're doing twice as much within six months.
Keep a paper-based exercise journal and be sure it's gradual so you don't hurt yourself.
If you're sedentary, start walking 10 minutes a day. Increase 5 minutes per week to reach up to 1 hour.
If you're already active, up the intensity in small-step intervals. (Listen to your body and don't hurt yourself.)
[This is to make you both feel strong--increases emotional balance, relieves depression as well as medication,
the research says--and tired (aids healthful sleep)].

--Crank up your nutrition so you eat powerfully nutritious food and nourish yourself amazingly well.

--Find something you have a SHRED of recurring interest in (cooking, art, a cause, gardening) and make
some gesture to incorporating it into your life in a way that means you spend time with it weekly.

All I got but I hope it helps, Sun. He is well gone and I'm sorry. But I understand how loneliness leads
to denial, sometimes. I'm extra impressed that you are NOT denying what actually happened. You saw
that his character wasn't what you were hoping for, and you really did dodge much worse pain. Whew!

Hops

[Twoapenny]

I can completely indentify with everything you wrote, Sunblue, and I have spent decades in relationships, of all kinds, where I have ended up feeling totally dejected and unwanted.

With me, I think I grew up being (a) completely compliant and (b) not having any needs or desires of my own.  So in virtually all of my relationships, male and female, work and personal, I gave and gave, never even thought about what I wanted or needed and then found that the person in question would simply discard me when I was no longer useful.  I've had to really work at figuring out what I want from relationships and then work at being brave enough to ask for it.

I lost most of the people I knew by either saying no to them or asking them to do something for me.  Virtually all of my friendships worked on the principal of me giving and them taking.  It sounds like your relationship with that man was like that.  The rejection and the loneliness have been so hard to manage and the last two years have been, I think, the loneliest of my life.  But - I really want to have healthy, vibrant relationships that are equal and loving and make me feel good about myself so I've kept working on me and very, very gradually, a small pool of good friends are starting to make themselves apparent and maybe at some point a nice man will come along, too.

So I think what you are feeling is very, very normal and a good sign - I think these situations come along to show us where we can change and make us think about what we want.  Hopsie's advice is excellent, as always, work on you, focus on you (very hard when you're used to thinking about everyone else all the time!).  And work on what you want to make you happy, rather than what makes other people happy.

[sunblue]

Thank You Hopalong and Twoapenny! I know you are right; it's just sometimes hard to face another disappointment and loss. It is just so disappointing that because of his behavior a platonic friendship can never be; indeed, any conversation is very unlikely.

Hopalong:

You put together a very good list. I have begun an exercise program at a gym with a trainer (in part to force myself out of the house and in part to help with a leg injury). With any luck, I'll also drop some of those unneeded pounds! I'm also logging what I eat daily to try and help with nutrition.

A small start but at least it's something. I also am focused on finding a job (sigh...again) due to my getting laid off in a group downsizing.

Twoapenny:

I can SO identify with your comments. I have had very similar experiences. Always giving to others in relationships, always giving in to their wishes--yet getting nothing in return. I think one single true blue friend that you can count on is better than a bunch of one-sided relationships. Easier said than done but still better in the long run.

Sometimes fear of being rejected or abandoned because of our exposure to narcissistic people keeps us from building healthy two-way relationships. It can be done but just takes a little more conscious effort for the Voiceless.

Thanks again to you both for your replies. It really means a lot that you took the time to respond.

[Hopalong]

You're welcome, Sunblue.

I've had to train myself over and over to think, reciprocity reciprocity reciprocity...
as I enter/evaluate relationships.

Not 50-50 of course, that's stupid, but if it gets too far past about 60-40 that's a red flag
for me (either about my own behavior--how I'm feeling and what message I'm telegraphing
about my worth; or about the other person's behavior). Also, after way way too many
cycles of this experience, I also realized that when I finally DID figure out that I was
subsisting on a self-created fantasy and there was no "there" there...I would be quite
angry with the other person and judge them down to their toenails. It was a way of
defending myself from the hurt but it came too late.

I almost feel as though for me, getting to a place where "grieve and let go FASTER"
was a huge accomplishment. Sounds pathetic but I think children of Ns sometimes
have to measure progress in inches, while determinedly not comparing ourselves too
harshly to the long-jumpers of life.

So bravo on the exercise and nutrition! Did any of those other, interactive ideas
appeal?

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Sunblue,

I think all anyone can do if they are unhappy about anything at all with or in their life is to just try and keep chipping away at it, and I think that's what we are all doing on here, little by little, stripping down the things that have made us unhappy and slowly replacing them, ideally with better things but sometimes it's just other things that make us unhappy and then we have to do it all over again!  I've found rejection and that massive voice that shouts 'NO-ONE WANTS YOU' so hard to bear, and still do, but I think we learn, don't we, and little by little it starts to change and become something else.  I know that I don't feel rejection as keenly as I used to and I am better at thinking about what I want than I used to be.

I think things like going to the gym and watching your diet are great because you are focusing on you, so it's good from a changing perspective point of view as well as being good for the body and mind.  I try and say to myself now "Progression, not perfection".  Some days are better than others but keep chipping away at it all, for me I at least need to feel like I really tried my best to change, even though it doesn't always go the way I want it to!  I'm just grateful I figured out that I didn't want to stay the way I was, if that makes sense?  My mum never has, she's been miserable her whole life but it's never occured to her that she might be able to do something about that herself and at least we all have that insight and that desire to change, I think that makes a big difference.  Keep on keeping on!

[sea storm]

Things heat up very fast on Internet romances. Dangerously so because there is no body language attached, So 80 percent of the information about the person is missing. It is easy to get hooked and very addictive. No negative reinforcement just all sweetness and light and very agreeable.

Unfortunately, I know this from experience.  It was like whoopty do!!! when I would get an email from him. He was so witty and smart and responsive. This went on for a year and a half until we spoke on the phone and it was like a monumental change. I think now that it was like Sheldon and Amy getting a turtle. On the phone I could detect so much more. When the conversation was not completely about him he could barely suppress  yawning. I was very lonely so I just let things that were icky about him go. I had nothing to lose I thought. Wrong. I got swept up in it and carried away. It took up way to much of my time and any real life I might be able to develop.

Finally we met and we were not attracted physically to each other. I think maybe he would go at it with any willing female and he said as much but I did not like the look of him. What I learned is that I filled in the blanks with my imaginary perfect guy lover but that was not him. I only got out of it because I wasn't too hooked but I saw that I could easily be sucked in. We still talk on the phone and hardly ever email. Curiously, I think we both felt relieved to be single.  He came to visit me and stayed for the longest three days imaginable. I did not even want to make him coffee.  This was after it became obvious that he likes and expects to be waited on.  It gets worse........
I gave him a kimono but he saw one he liked a lot more and I ended up giving him that one because he liked it so much. It was three times more valuable. I did it again. Attracted to a narcissist.

we still talk on the phone and have great conversations  that last for over an hour.  Often two hours.  No wonder. He is a pathologist assistant  and an astrologist. I am carful not to fire things up again though. I felt that I had better get connected to the real human race and it was like coming off heroin or stopping smoking. Real people seemed so drab compared to the Internet affair.

Sea

[Hopalong]

My favorite book about dating, A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, gave me 3 hugely important pieces of advice that I think would save many people a lot of anguish and waste. She said, basically:

1) If you "meet" someone online, and there's enough immediate interest based on what they've already posted about themselves, and one of you emails--MAKE SURE TO EXCHANGE JUST ANOTHER QUICK AND SHORT EMAIL OR TWO TO SET UP YOUR FIRST DATE (for coffee, not a full evening). That's it!

Her point was that it's crucial NOT to "begin a correspondence" and let your fantasizing about who the other person is get started at all. Have a healthy, clear boundary on waiting until you meet to decide whether to invest more emotion, time and thought into that person. Keep it light and short until then.

There is no person to relate to (or have a "relationship" with) until you have met. Chemistry, body language, how someone speaks to a server in a restaurant...none of that essential info is available to you online.

So, Sills said, DON'T "begin a big correspondence or share deeply by email." DO make a ftf (face-to-face) date and make it quickly and make it no-strings. "Let's meet and see how it goes!"

I spent decades believing that epistolary relationships were real. AFTER knowing someone well, they could be...but before, just me and my imagination. Which was not enough.

2) Another big takeaway for me from her book was to look at every date in early stages as PRACTICE. Not as a relationship, something terribly important with an enormous outcome, or something to get worked up about. "It's all PRACTICE." That helped enormously to lighten up my attitude and make it so much easier to enjoy meeting new people.

3) Lastly, something that helped me tremendously was to make clear in my early email to anyone that I like people in general and always enjoy hearing someone's life story and that I look at it this way: "If either of us decides not to keep going [a helpful phrase for a farewell email is, "I've enjoyed meeting you but feel we're not a match"], that is fine, too! I wish you the best in finding someone who's right for you." ["Feel we're not a match" is about how an individual feels, and we just feel how we feel. Nobody can "argue" about that -- or if they do, make tracks!]

When I said something like that earlier on, it helped me feel both less trapped OR less abandoned when nothing long-term came of an encounter. I could keep my goodwill toward the person and the process while still moving on intact. (Or recovering quickly if they wanted to move on.)

So far, though I am not dating a whole lot, when I do meet someone--those 3 points have helped me a ton.

love
Hops

[sunblue]

Hi Hops!

Thanks for all the great advice!  I have not really done the online dating thing although I suppose I should try it.  The reason the situation I wrote about was so hurtful to me, I think, is that this guy wasn't a stranger.  We had gone to school together and even dated some years ago.  We kept in touch via social media and when we re-connected, he preferred to communicate via social media.  However, I considered him a friend first and foremost because of our history together.  That's why, I think, I was so hurt by his rejection and behavior.  I realize he never thought of me as a friend and never would.  He clearly was not interested in friendship or a relationship of any sort.  I was also saddened that he chose to hurt me at a time when he knew I was going through a lot of loss and pain.

So, it hit my self-esteem hard.  But yes, I totally agree that when you meet someone new, a social media-only mode of communication is not the way to go.  Meeting someone face-to-face can nip any problem in the bud pretty quickly.

Lately, I've been trying to face a lot of things after the loss of my dad.  It just would have been nice to have had a friend at this time.

Thanks again for listening and responding!