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Changing my life

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Hopalong:
So very happy for you, Worn.
It sounds as though you've decided there needs to be room and air and comfort for a good human being in all of that space. Bravo. You deserve this -- you are choosing to nurture and comfort yourself with a KIND HOME.

What a wonderful story. Keep telling us.

(There'll be muscle aches and moments of collapse and don't be afraid of them!
In my own battles, I'm realizing that all we ever do--or all I ever have to do--is RE-START.)

Maybe that's really what every single day is. That simple. Re-starting.

Here's to many re-startings for you, Worn.

Hops

Worn:
Thank you for all the support everyone!  It truly means a lot to know I have you all rooting for me.  We started cleaning last Sunday and today will be our second day with another cleaning day on Sunday.  We are planning on cleaning twice a week. 

It felt SO good to make a dent in the mess.  It wasn't a huge dent but it was four hours worth of a dent.  I have continued sorting and organizing this week.  Actually got quite a few things done.  The progress we made motivated me and now I also have room to put things.  There just was no room to move anything before.  It was literally quite hard for the two of us to move around in the front room.  We joked that we can now walk through the living room side by side.  This week I put together the clothes rack I had bought a couple years ago and have packed boxes and clothes stored on it.  I get a warm, fuzzy feeling every time I look at it.  Heck, I get a warm, fuzzy feeling every time I walk in the door! 

The plan is to get this place cleaned up, sell it and find a place that is one level.  I have a hard time with stairs and that will most likely get harder with time.  There's still a huge job ahead of us but we're both excited and motivated to do the work. 

On an emotional level, besides the happiness about having a space for myself, this has brought up a lot of different emotions.  Part of the reason I stopped keeping the house up was to wall myself off from the outside world.  Now there's a chink in the armor I built and it's only going to get bigger.  Kind of like peeling off my hard outer shell.  I feel slightly vulnerable and I've felt panicky from time to time.  I keep reassuring myself that now I'm strong enough to protect myself with healthy boundaries.  That I don't need a wall of garbage to protect myself, that I can protect myself in other ways. 

There's also a lot of feelings about me not being worthy of a better space, about not being worthy of help from others.  My head mostly knows that I am but my heart still needs convincing.  A part of me is still the little girl whose mother did not love her and who thought it was her fault.  A part of me that feels that I deserve to live like this and worse.  The adult part of me is now able to look at that part and feel sorrow and sadness for what I lost.  That's a big change for me.  I've been journaling this week about these kinds of feelings and that has helped.  I don't want my feelings to get in the way of progress on my place but I want to also give my feelings the attention and processing that they deserve.  I think if I don't do that that they will definitely get in the way eventually.  I see a great counselor once a week and we will work with these feelings there as well as me working on them during the week.  This is going to be one heck of a journey.  I'm looking forward to coming out the other side but I'm also looking forward to the progress I can make within myself.  I'm scared and excited all at once.  Worn

lighter:
Worn:

Your journey into mindful self awareness may call for a new username.  One that suits your journey?  We could have an Amazon bonfire to celebrate.  What do you think?

Also, keep your friend handy for those times you pick up triggering items that paralyze you.   I've had to admit I need that kind of help, and ask for it.  Sometimes we need to be bumped off center to keep moving.  

There will be good days, and bad days, and better days if you practice soldiering through them all, IME.

I think working so many days, with down time in between on a schedule, is brilliant; )

Lighter

Worn:
I've been thinking about changing my username!  And you actually said it right there.   I go by Journey on a couple of other sites.  I don't want people to find me here but I feel like Journey is a common enough username to be safe.  What do you think?  Should I ask for a change to Journey?  I have a hiking stick that is also a bo staff.  It is one of my prize possessions.  It has the word journey carved in Japanese on the handle.  My sister, my biggest fan, support, and best friend, gave it to me for my birthday.  I think Journey would be awesome.

Wow!!!  We have worked on my place three times now.  Have put in about 15 hours of work.  My back is sore from my neck to my feet.  We've cleared most of the living room and 3/4 of the dining room.  I have boxes packed for when I move.  I've got most of the stuff I'm currently using stored neatly in bins/etc.  My friend and I make a terrific work team.  We've always talked non-stop when we're together.  She's my second biggest fan, support, etc. :-)  So when we're working we also have fun talking and laughing.  But she's also a beast when it comes to working.  She sets a goal, puts her head down and gets it done.  Right now I'm sitting on the couch with my back door and front windows open.  I can hear the birds singing and feel the cool breeze.  My two dogs are snoozing.  It's a beautiful spring morning.  I have not been able to open my back door for at least 3 years until last night's cleaning session.  This is beyond wonderful. 

There were a couple rough patches this past week.  An emotional phone call with my sister.  She was worried mostly about things that haven't happened but might in the future or things that can't be changed and were done years ago.  She was also worried that I wouldn't be able to get this job done.  I haven't shown much, if any forward movement with cleaning this place until now.  I have been working actually pretty hard on getting emotionally ready to do this.  But she can't see that part, heh.  In times past I would have been most likely to shut down and not speak when faced with her worries like this.  But this time I spoke up through my tears and told her that I was taking care of things and that this would get done.  And I meant it.  It felt really good to be able to speak up like that and to then be able to work through some pain with my sister.  Some things are just harder to talk about because we do care so much for each other. 

The other rough patch was right after the phone call with my sister.  My friend and I, on the phone, got into a 'no, I'm right'-'no I'm right" kind of conversation and I decided that I'd had enough for the day and it was time to rest.  I took a nap then called her back.  We were supposed to clean that night but I cancelled and told her I was too tired, the truth.  She tried to pretend the small argument hadn't happened but I pointed it out and we worked through it.  One of the goals I'm working on is speaking up for myself more often.  This was a really good week for me on that.  I have actually spoken up for myself with two other people this week as well. 

I am exhausted and I ache in places I didn't know existed.  I had physical therapy this morning too but my pt didn't work me too hard.  Mostly did stretches and warm-up.  But this pain aches so good!  This place is starting to feel like a house again.  I'm starting to feel like I can stretch my arms out.  Starting to feel more free. 

Journey

Twoapenny:
Wow, well done, Worn, so nice to read of your progress.  It sounds as though good things are happening practically and emotionally (and all that clearing out exercise must be good physically, too!).  Really glad you worked through those two patches with your sister and your friend; I have found (and still find) dealing with emotion or any kind of conflict with the person really difficult (as in dealing with them directly rather than working it through on my own).  You've done so well and it's great to read that you've made such a dent in clearing out your place as well.

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