Easter Sadness:Sibling Collateral Damage

[sunblue]

This Easter represented another first for my family and I. Over the last 8 months since my dad died, there have been a number of them: first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him; first birthday without him and now first Easter without him. They have all been very difficult.

However, as more time passes, I become more aware of the collateral damage that comes with being raised in a Narcissistic household and then losing one of the parents that created the environment. In my case, I realized that I lost a sibling (brother) who opted to turn his back and walk away from his family--including me--even though I was not at fault for creating the situation. Instead, he has consciously and deliberately "adopted" his wife's family as his own. He is as completely invested in them as he is disinvested in me and our remaining biological family.

I feel utterly abandoned and betrayed although I understand his feelings towards my parents and their N/Co-D behaviors. Still, if is both painful and humiliating to watch him (and his family including my only niece) completely turn their backs on me without a thought. Another holiday like today just emphasized that.

So many losses! Is this common? How can a sibling never look back and be so happy doing it?

All I can feel is deep betrayal and even deeper sadness. We lose both parent and siblings leaving nothing but a trail of loneliness and aloneness.  I now must face and accept this new layer of reality.

Has anyone else experienced similar sibling collateral damage?

[Hopalong]

I don't know if it was genetics, Nmothering, or a combo, but the absence of my sibling is a relief.
There was also mental illness in her family.

My brother was disturbed from childhood and a frightening bully to me throughout. He never
behaved in any way as though he loved me or gave a fig. By high school I had become
attractive to boys and he warmed to me a bit because he was socially struggling and
having a "pretty sister" could be used as friend-bait. But he never gave a damn about me.

Then, as y'all know, as my mother began to fail he reappeared to try to take over her
estate (while I'd lived with and cared for her for 10 years) and it turned into a nightmare.
Which I'm now awake from, thank heaven. The moment the "gavel fell" and I "won"--I
knew I'd never see or speak to him again.

There's no vacuum where he once was, only relief. I sometimes miss my sister-in-law
a little. She is a good person, but completely under his thumb.

Hard as it is to have no family sometimes; I'm better off alone. I've faced fear and
still do now and then, but generally, I feel stronger. (And more motivated to build
myself a PHamily of friends...)

Hops

[Overcomer]

My dad died in 2009 and since then the family has fallen apart.  We still have my nmom who thinks she's the center of the universe but she has really lost her ability to control.  Part of that is because she married a guy who doesn't orbit.  He loudly protests so a lot of her behavior has gone underground so he won't know about it.  I think slowly but surely she is trying to manipulate him into the fold but I don't think he'll go without a fight.

The dynamics are crazy.  My brother finally proclaims his hatred of nmom and all the religious brainwashing we were made to endure.  His anger is directed at mom's youngest baby sister who has always infiltrated our family.  Since she is 10 years younger than mom and only 8 years older than my brother, she has taken on the role of golden child.  Brother, of course, is scapegoat.  This drives him crazy!

Our aunt has told me, "you guys have never had to want for anything.  It's not fair so we are taking as much as we can get."  We feel as though she and her family are stealing our inheritance and manipulate my N mother by always playing the victim.

Yes, at the ages of 60 and 55 my bro and I are STILL suffering the collateral damage.

[Twoapenny]

This Easter represented another first for my family and I. Over the last 8 months since my dad died, there have been a number of them: first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him; first birthday without him and now first Easter without him. They have all been very difficult.

However, as more time passes, I become more aware of the collateral damage that comes with being raised in a Narcissistic household and then losing one of the parents that created the environment. In my case, I realized that I lost a sibling (brother) who opted to turn his back and walk away from his family--including me--even though I was not at fault for creating the situation. Instead, he has consciously and deliberately "adopted" his wife's family as his own. He is as completely invested in them as he is disinvested in me and our remaining biological family.

I feel utterly abandoned and betrayed although I understand his feelings towards my parents and their N/Co-D behaviors. Still, if is both painful and humiliating to watch him (and his family including my only niece) completely turn their backs on me without a thought. Another holiday like today just emphasized that.

So many losses! Is this common? How can a sibling never look back and be so happy doing it?

All I can feel is deep betrayal and even deeper sadness. We lose both parent and siblings leaving nothing but a trail of loneliness and aloneness.  I now must face and accept this new layer of reality.

Has anyone else experienced similar sibling collateral damage?

Hi Sun,

I'm sorry for your situation.  I have to say I am quite like your brother in a lot of ways.  I have very little contact with any of my siblings because I just find it too difficult and too painful to deal with.  It's not their fault, or anything in particular that they do or say, but I find just being around them gives me the old feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, being dirty, stupid etc and I just can't handle it.  So I don't have an awful lot to do with them and if I'm honest I would love to find another family, as your brother has done with his wife's, and take them as mine.  It's no-one's fault, I know it's such a hard situation to be in.  My heart aches for not having a family but I just can't have the ones who are left, there's too much damage there and it's just too tough.  So it might be that your brother is in a similar situation and finds life easier when he's not faced with reminders of what used to be.  Hard on all of you but I would say try not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know), he might just be coping as best he can the same as we all are   Sorry for your loss, it's another blow to deal with.

[sunblue]

Thank you all for your insights. Yes, the damage is overwhelming.

Personally, I feel just as--if not more--betrayed by my sibling for turning his back on me because it is "easier" for him. That kind of selfishness is worse than that of the N parent. At least you can argue that the N behaved in the way he/she was taught to by his/her own N parent. Not much of an excuse but an explanation.

In my case, my sibling bro is neither an N or Co-D. He built a healthy family of his own with a wife and daughter and chose to throw me away. I did nothing but go out of my way for him and his whole family. Further, I feel siblings should do the opposite when coming from N families. Who needs the support and love of a sibling more than those of us who are virtually alone and dealing with the loss of parents?  How cruel is it to turn on their siblings and instead be the brother or son to someone else's family?

I feel so betrayed by my sibling. I can honestly say I never did anything to warrant this treatment. It is selfish and heartless on my sibling's part and so hurtful. In my opinion, his behavior is just as bad in its own way as the pain inflicted by an N mother and Co-D father.

I am at such a loss right now. I could never, ever imagine treating anyone--let alone my own flesh and blood--in this way. The worst part is knowing there is no solution. You can't force a sibling to want to be a sibling. But it is just as cruel--maybe even more so--as being neglected and ignored by N parents.

[Worn]

Hey Sun.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can feel the pain in your words.  I have a brother that I love dearly and still have contact with but we're very distant from each other and have very little contact.  He was the golden child and nmom fueled the natural sibling rivalry that is often between the middle and youngest.  He picked on me when we were young and he may feel bad about that.  We just can't seem to connect on more than a very shallow level.  And as an adult I haven't kept up my half of the job of staying connected either.  My heart longs so badly to make a real connection with him.  To put aside the strings and traps that nmom placed between the two of us and just get to know my brother.  I don't know if we will ever be able to do that but I hope that one day we can.  Maybe one day you can work things out with your brother.  Sometimes things can change with time and love.  Hoping for healing for you, Journey

[Gaining Strength]

When my mother died two years ago the damage done early in our childhood emerged in its full glory.  My brothers, with whom I had superficial relations, teamed up against me and did unthinkable things.  That made it easier to let go but it is excruciatingly painful to have no family at holiday time especially for my child who was only 12 at the time.  No acknowledgement of him what so ever.  It is the only family my child has as his father was an only child and his parents were long dead.  To see my child completely cutoff is painful indeed.  These holidays make it indescribably painful.

I wish I didn't understand.  My heart aches for you. I am so sorry.

[Ales2]

Sunblue - I went through the very same thing  - I lost my Dad who was a great guy and left me with an NMother. Just last week I was thinking that his only mistake was marrying her. Anyway, my brother also abandoned me, two Christmases ago, I called him to ask what he, his wife and three boys wanted for Xmas. He said he thought that it would be easier to not exchange gifts. Easier? For who? I buy five gifts he buys one. Really? The last connection I had to him was our gift exchange at Xmas.

Brother moved on and entirely invested himself in his new family and her parents. Her parents gave them their house and moved into condo. A story for another day is that my brother loves hand-me-downs. Dont know how exactly this happened except NMom treated him badly, like a second class citizen, I think its an unconscious feeling he got from her. He doesn't work very hard towards financial goals, because in our house hard work was never rewarded so he underperforms and enjoys whatever crumbs he can get. He sure loevs used furniture, cars, clothes and other assorted used items he picks up at thrift stores and elsewhere. Very weird because Dad was wealthy, financial hardship did not exist in our childhood, but mother was a scrooge,  withholding both money and approval.

My specific issue with him is that he went to marriage counseling in 1998 and discovered my Mom was N and NEVER told me. It took me another 10 years for me to figure that out and I sure was pissed that he never told me when it would have helped me. After that, I really felt betrayed.