I can sure relate to what you are describing. Feeling as if I wasn't real but trying to get along and survive by being what I was told to be. I think this is what happens to a neglected child. There is no mirror of love to reflect back that one is lovable, let alone an individual. It is just more about being what is expected.
It is a wonder I didn't become schizophrenic or otherwise insane. I think the reason I didn't is because I am natually resilient. Something, curiosity maybe, or a drive to live kept me searching.
Creating an identity became my way of being in the world and this resiliency helped too. But the part of me that was my real self just was shrivelling up. Really it had to shrivel in my family or god knows what would have happened. What saved my from completely disappearing was art and play. This is not enough.
When you describe how you felt and the belt and taking down your pants is just awful and so devastating for a child or anyone. Good grief, if someone tried to take down my pants and tell me I am bad and need to be hit with a belt I .......... several murderous thoughts came to mind. And that wretched, stupid, violent person thought YOU were bad. The light is shining on you dear one and the parent who does this soul destroying crap is in the DARK.
I have tried to unravel my upbringing and the lack of nourishment and validation. It was anti validation. It made me grow up emotionally crippled. My judgement is off. I can't tell good guys from bad guys because someone who is mean and sarcastic, for example, seems attractive to me and someone who is gentle, kind and good feels alien.
Shine the light of your very keen insight onto your mother. She was neglecting you and basically not there to help you become an adult or feel loved. This is a big crime in my mind. I struggle to understand it myself. Was I unlovable? How come I wasn't on her radar? Well I don't know why but it how it was. The IMPACT og having a parent like your mother is a predictor of having a nervous breakdown in your forties. How could you not have a nervous breakdown. I had mine too. Three at least.
Each time it came and I think it was telling me that things were not working as they were and I needed to make my life appropriate to who I am. This is a very messy business and requires turning oneself inside out and pulling through with hair pulling, weeping, raving etc. Basically reinventing myself.
Very brave of you to admit to passive aggressive comments on facebook. This sounds psychically dangerous for you. Big ramifications and nasty karma.
The rule around here and it is a good one is to have no comment. Facebook can be full of landmines for me. I have several people who do this on facebook and it really gets to me. I had to stop playing the game.
Here I am trying to build a life and an identity again. It seems it never ends.;
I want to offer you strength and courage. I can see how dreadful you childhood was. You amaze me that you even can put it into words. Much Love and Blessings to you.
Sea strom
