Thank you, Dr. G!
I'm starting to notice some neuro issues; minor right now - I had to check twice that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing - and then he said last night that when I wake him, it takes him a long time to decide which world he's in... which one he really is living in. He's seeing himself as 2 people, too: the one guy with lung cancer and the other with COPD... which was sort of odd. I expected him to say, the "me with a body" and the "me that is, without a body". I told him so. Not sure what he's puzzling out there, but at least he stopped kicking himself for waiting so long to find out what was wrong.
I may have mentioned, a time or two (
) that he doesn't like me to go off and do things without him and the heartburn that causes me, since there is always a list of things to do. It came up when I started going to tai chi, 2 nights a week. And the "poor me" face he put on about me doing things for myself that didn't involve him... even not eating until I got home. This has escalated into, where I'm bustling around or sitting in the same room with him - if I am not directly engaging him - he feels as though he can't approach me, speak to me, ask for anything. Even after being told directly that he is my #1 priority right now - no matter what it is. If I work outside or downstairs, I'm limiting that time to an hour or two -- but then I'm coming back to the kinda guilt trip of "I missed you", "I was lonely".
As if he doesn't exist outside of me. Outside of the context of that relationship.
I never could find a way to explain to him, adequately - that it was OK for him to have friends I don't hang out with, or interests he pursued without me. In fact, he seemed to react to that idea like it was a threat to him.
It seems like some of this is at work in what he's trying to process right now. I'm just fumbling around trying to understand what is in his head, that he's not trying - at all - to follow the instructions and recommendations of the docs. Just after being told to drink 3 bottles of water a day, and more at night, to keep from dehydrating (which he was doing, pretty much)... he cut that down to 1 bottle. After being told that protein shakes were essential to keep calories going in, to prevent going past the tipping point of weight loss - he sat there in front of me and lied about being willing to drink ensure or boost; when I contradicted that statement - his excuse was I bought the wrong kind and it didn't taste good.
His brother made an excellent broccoli and cheese soup, full of creamy base and pureed. About the consistency of the chocolate instant breakfast he does like. He took a couple spoonfuls and was "done". This is why I think there's a strong subconscious thing going on -- it's not like him to say one thing and do another so completely opposite. Or something bio-neuro, as a result of the combination of everything.
It's been a struggle to get him to take the nystatin for thrush, on time. Instead of 4x a day, we seem to only manage 3 - plus a fluconazole. It did look like it had begun to clear up, then last night it looked like it was getting worse again. Hubs choked on his nighttime pill, trying to swallow - said it felt like it was stuck in his throat - but for some reason, he kept on drinking water. Like his auto-reflexes misfired. Timing and coordination was off.
Anyway, that's what I'm trying to sort out and since no one can give me an answer about what to watch for, or when to call the doc - I'm trying to figure that out myself. If the thrush is no better today, I may call anyway. That's >5 days of heavy treatment for it.
As for me, I've decided under the circumstances it's probably a carte blanche card to just go ahead and indulge my emotions as they come up. Then, get right back at whatever I'm trying to accomplish. I'm trying not to think too far ahead, but I am sorting out how I feel about some major changes, in what-if scenarios. I have a phone number for respite care... which is looking kind of attractive. Hubs' D will be here this weekend.
