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"Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason"--essay on grieving

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mudpuppy:

--- Quote ---Perhaps there is something useful to work with to create new rituals or traditions or etiquette, in the concept of the Irish wake.
--- End quote ---

The Jews call it "sitting Shiva" after someone dies.
Basically, for a week, visitors usually bring food but when they enter the home they don't initiate conversations. If the mourners [immediate family] wish to talk they will start a conversation, if not then there will pretty much be silence.
If a conversation does start the visitors are expected to talk about the deceased which keeps the conversation off of the mourners, which is a good thing.
There are lots of rules which I am not inclined to follow like not taking a shower and wearing the same clothes all week but otherwise it seems like a pretty good institution.


--- Quote ---The dance is between a rote, pro forma, standard boilerplate expression of sympathy... and crossing boundaries, which shift during grieving. Maybe just acknowledging that you see the boundary would be a real relief to some people?
--- End quote ---

The problem is if you know the person means well when they something hurtful or stupid it is very hard to let them know, because you cross a boundary yourself if you do. They're trying to help and usually are uncomfortable already not knowing what to say and very often are grieving themselves over the loss.
I imagine it's been going on ever since Alley Oop got stepped on by his dinosaur, which I guess is why rituals and rules have occasionally been developed. But rules are simple and people are complex so you just get through it as best you can, like millions, I suppose billions of others have.

mud

Hopalong:
I think it helps to not be so afraid of each other.
Not the dead person, who has gone elsewhere.
Not a dying person, who is enduring the transition.
Not the grieving person, who may or may not feel erratic.
Not ourselves, who arrive at the doorstep with clay on our feet.
Not mistakes, which the dead and dying have made, and both the
grieving and the comforter can make too.

If we can stop being scared of each other and just be present, with an open heart,
no script, listen more than we speak and be brave and real...it'll be okay.

Death has guns, but we have flowers.

love,
Hops

Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi Lighter,

Sorry…finally, I have some breathing room to respond to your post/thoughts…

How does one enter the world of someone else who’s experienced the destruction of the basic core/meaning of their existence?  So much that we have to offer will appear/feel trite to them.  So many times they will feel:  “If you only knew…”   We can only do the best we can and we must realize it can never be “good enough,”  But if we can find a way to let the person know, again to their core, that they are not completely alone—well, that is an extraordinary accomplishment.  Listening, without advice, and without judgment—and always being open and encouraging of hearing more and more pain, more and more memories of the person they have lost—and long hugs at the end of sometimes insufficient time together—have always “worked” best for me over time as a therapist and human being.

Richard

Hopalong:
This is probably the most extraordinary piece of writing on death and friendship I've ever read.

http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/a34905/matthew-teague-wife-cancer-essay/?src=longreads

Hops

sKePTiKal:
That was pretty close, to what I've gone through.
 
Thanks, Hops.

The relief part feels scandalous; taboo. And yes, I find myself tuning my emotions to what people are expecting to find in me... so as not to disappoint them. Yesterday, two neighbors that are complete strangers came by to say they saw the obit and they were so sorry and to introduce themselves. They thought I was new to the neighborhood. Brought a camellia cutting and some muffins. It was nice of them - but I babble like a complete idiot because I have no idea what to say to people beyond thanking them for their kindness.

I'm getting SO MUCH "you need to do this" input, that I feel paralyzed and not wanting to do anything for fear of stepping on someone's toes. So, I'm staying in this big messy house and putting it into the condition I wanted from the beginning. For now. I might run up to the cabin for Christmas -- because there is no phone, no internet, no tv -- and I feel peace and a sense of delighted adventure simply being alone right now. It works for me.

Try explaining that to kids that think I'm one step away from a nursing home, myself. I've had to put the kibosh on that idea, right quick. They mean well -- but that is their own fears and not reality, at this time.

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