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"Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason"--essay on grieving

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lighter:
Doc G:

This article makes me feel ill thinking about saying the right thing to all people at all times who are struggling with death and dying.  I know I can't do that, and it's unfair to presume I could begin to meet the needs of all.... different words and acts comfort different people.  No two will ever share the same views, IME.   

This article makes me less inclined to share, or engage with people struggling with losing loved ones, only bc I don't want to add any more strife or hurt to their lives. 

It makes me feel more inclined to listen to my intuitions.... meeting people where I am.  Listen to what makes me feel lighter or heavier, and just ask them....

what can I do? 

How can I help? 

Rather than chiming in with MY experience, MY opinions based on what I've observed in the world.

::shaking head::

"No good deed goes unpunished" was one of my father's favorite sayings.  He's been right so so many times, IME. Such a shame when our intentions are to help, or at least do no harm.

Maybe.... sometimes.... just asking what someone feels they need, and not DOING DOING DOING what would make us feel better is......  safer?  Less hurtful if we'd miss the mark by offering what might comfort us, but not them?

Lighter

Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi Lighter,

Sorry, I haven't had a minute to respond--helping my father transition to assisted living.  But I'll be back to you as soon as I can...

Richard

lighter:
Aww, take care of your father, Doc G:

I'm not worrying about a response. 

The article gave me much food for thought, and I continue to ponder it.

Thanks for providing the link.

Lighter

mudpuppy:
I agree with most of what the guy said, and have said a lot of it myself, but he seems rather angry and unforgiving and what he accuses others of; lacking understanding.

Most of the people saying stupid things haven't been through something similar or they have but still think they have to ease the pain with words or advice.

They mean well and as long as one recognizes that even if you're grieving you should be able to extend them the charity of knowing they meant well but didn't know how to do it.

Especially because one day while we're still grieving, they will have moved on with life and we'll kind of resent occasionally that they no longer come around with their bad advice and stupid platitudes.

So of course grieving is mostly private; it's between you and the person who is gone or you and God or you and the universe. Other people can either sit with you silently, as he says, or they can sit and say stupid things or, and this happens too, some can sit and say things that will help you. It might be weeks or months later but some people do know when to speak and what to say. Sometimes they turn out to be the people who said the stupidest, most hurtful thing the week before and if you push them out for the bad you miss the good.

From what I've seen, outside of intentionally harmful or disgusting behavior, external sources have little or no effect on the course or endurance of grief. It does what it will with us depending on how and who we are and we end up changed for the better or worse, also probably dependent largely on who we were before hand.

I'm pretty much the same person I was before;  I just exist in a different world that now has a background radiation of loss and sorrow and the sense of being robbed of something.

mud

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---... we'll kind of resent occasionally that they no longer come around with their bad advice and stupid platitudes.
--- End quote ---

Indeed. People will feel pushed away, if I continue saying - I'm OK; really, I'm fine. Lighter was saying she felt a bit self-conscious about knowing just what to say; yep - I know what you mean! I've never had the "right thing to say" on the tip of my tongue because I often just want to scoop up the grieving in my arms and rock them and tell them over & over to just cry it all out; that it will be OK, even if it's not completely OK. That crosses way too many boundaries. But life (and therefore death, because it IS a part of life) is a "shared experience" among more people than just us. And people are willing to venture into lives - even if it's just to peer into the window and speak the common platitudes of etiquette. There is something nice about that too.

The fact is that I am pretty self-reliant; and pretty well prepared (or am able to leap logistical tall buildings to become so, as I discover what I need) and emotionally, prefer this written word environment or the solitude of just me & my kitty to deal with the messy, blubbery, wailing part of grieving to actually being surrounded by real people with all their idiosyncrasies and quirks and -- as I'm still programmed to notice -- their own needs, which I still feel obligated to meet somehow. But we know strong people do break, if they don't learn how to bend and the more "rigid" something is - the more "fragile" it is to changes in environment.

Perhaps there is something useful to work with to create new rituals or traditions or etiquette, in the concept of the Irish wake. Originally, it was simply sitting with the body of the departed to pray for the ease of the spirit on it's journey to the "next world". But maybe it also works the other way around a little too. Allows time for the grieving to expand and narrate and write dialogue in their heads - and experience emotional release - for the final goodbye? I mean, I'm open to the fact that sometimes there are communications across that divide too. Different ways to explain it; but it's real in a way that overly structured traditional services, aren't.

I got stuck being the source of personal reminiscences and stories about my Dad, for his service. I don't know why my brother - who actually spent time with him; not me - didn't. Twiggy and I had pretty much called a truce and figured out a way forward that met each other's needs... and there I was having to dredge up the mental snapshots that she engraved on the memory so many years ago. It wasn't who everyone else there knew; it was who he was BEFORE the divorce. I was searching for a way to illustrate a personality and character that stands on its own and paints the picture, but all I had was that interpretation of my experience with him - and according to the overseer of all facts (my mom) that interpretation made me a heretic. WTH? That's what I went with.

Lighter - you can't go wrong saying some things like -

I'm so very sorry
You are in my thoughts, daily

And then simply check in with those people to just ask, how they are today? and let them talk - or not - as it goes.

And then repeat the question: is there anything you need or want me to do? A way I can help? And let them know if they think of something later - to call.

The dance is between a rote, pro forma, standard boilerplate expression of sympathy... and crossing boundaries, which shift during grieving. Maybe just acknowledging that you see the boundary would be a real relief to some people?

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