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ann3:
--- Quote ---I'm wondering if my personality is too bland or unobtrusive? In the last week I've had a friend visit and leave the house in a mess because he didn't clear up after his child, another friend brought his dog and left the house in a mess and someone rang me yesterday and left a message on my answerphone saying that they were just ringing because they were out of the house and they had some time to fill. I just feel like I'm invisible sometimes, and unnoticed. If we get toys out at a friend's house I put them away again. If my pet made a mess I'd clean it up. I can't imagine telling someone I cared about that I was ringing them to fill up some time. Feels like a basic lack of respect? I just wouldn't do that to others.
--- End quote ---
Hi Tupp,
This is what I glean from your post: Perhaps you are suffering from "Nice Girl" syndrome? Do you feel you must always be nice, even when others treat you not so nice?
If "yes", I'd say try some assertiveness.
Example: The kids left a mess: So, speak to your son about cleaning up messes before his friend(s) leave. Also, when your son's friends come over, speak to them, in the beginning, about any mess they make, they must clean up before the friend(s) leave. So, 30 minutes before the friend's parent arrives, call a "clean up" time and help the kids clean up, even make it fun, like a game.
Re: the friend w/ the dog: Next time they call, tell them (in a very nice way) that you would prefer that they not bring their dog because the dog left a mess last time. That should open a discussion about the friend cleaning up their dog's mess.
Even better, next time a dog or a kid (or anyone) creates a mess for you, ask them right then & there to help you clean it up. Ask them nicely and after all, this is a reasonable request.
If they refuse, do not have them back in your home.
Re: the phone person, just tell them it's not a good time for you to speak, can you call them back?
Just my thoughts, toss out whatever doesn't work for you.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 21, 2016, 11:50:56 AM ---Hi Tupp,
This is so way out in left field it probably belongs elsewhere...and it's about romance, NOT friendships.
But I was reading it because I talked with someone who has OCD, and when I just read your last post, something wobbled in my brain and I wondered if there might be an anxiety or OCD component to your feelings of upset and anxiety about lack of reciprocal connection with others. (Not a "diagnosis"--just connecting with the anxiety beneath it I think.)
(All of which I can often totally relate to. I remember decades when I was microscrutinizing everyone, and in hindsight, I think it was fear. Of abandonment. Of invisibility. Of not mattering. Ultimately of not being loved.)
So for what it's vaguely worth, thought this article might ring a spark or two:
http://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665
love to you,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hops, thank you, I had a quick read through the first couple of paragraphs last night and some bits did ring bells so I will sit down later and have a good read through, thank you. And yes, not mattering is a big thing for me, I don't feel like I'm at the top of anyone's list and I find that very hard. I do have some friends that I know care about me a great deal and I am really trying to focus on them more but they live a long way away and my day to day contact with humans is so limited that I find the loneliness distracts me. But will keep chipping away at it. Also realised yesterday that I'm quite tired at the minute and this sort of hypercritical stuff does come on more when I'm tired (I'm like a toddler who's missed their afternoon nap and gets all crabby at tea time :) ). So I'm planning on some rest and me time over the weekend, recharge the batteries a bit and stop feeling so frazzled. Thank you xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: ann3 on January 21, 2016, 06:47:26 PM ---
--- Quote ---I'm wondering if my personality is too bland or unobtrusive? In the last week I've had a friend visit and leave the house in a mess because he didn't clear up after his child, another friend brought his dog and left the house in a mess and someone rang me yesterday and left a message on my answerphone saying that they were just ringing because they were out of the house and they had some time to fill. I just feel like I'm invisible sometimes, and unnoticed. If we get toys out at a friend's house I put them away again. If my pet made a mess I'd clean it up. I can't imagine telling someone I cared about that I was ringing them to fill up some time. Feels like a basic lack of respect? I just wouldn't do that to others.
--- End quote ---
Hi Tupp,
This is what I glean from your post: Perhaps you are suffering from "Nice Girl" syndrome? Do you feel you must always be nice, even when others treat you not so nice?
If "yes", I'd say try some assertiveness.
Example: The kids left a mess: So, speak to your son about cleaning up messes before his friend(s) leave. Also, when your son's friends come over, speak to them, in the beginning, about any mess they make, they must clean up before the friend(s) leave. So, 30 minutes before the friend's parent arrives, call a "clean up" time and help the kids clean up, even make it fun, like a game.
Re: the friend w/ the dog: Next time they call, tell them (in a very nice way) that you would prefer that they not bring their dog because the dog left a mess last time. That should open a discussion about the friend cleaning up their dog's mess.
Even better, next time a dog or a kid (or anyone) creates a mess for you, ask them right then & there to help you clean it up. Ask them nicely and after all, this is a reasonable request.
If they refuse, do not have them back in your home.
Re: the phone person, just tell them it's not a good time for you to speak, can you call them back?
Just my thoughts, toss out whatever doesn't work for you.
--- End quote ---
Ann, thank you, yes, that's very me, I do struggle with being assertive, particularly spur of the moment assertive, if that makes sense? If I know I'm going to encounter a situation in advance I can prepare for that and practise a bit and I find I can do that quite well, but spur of the moment stuff I do struggle with. I do find as well that I've spent so many years masking my feelings that I do have a really good poker face; my emotions and feelings just don't show (unless, as one friend told me, it involves being asked to share cake, which she says is the only time she's ever seen a look of horror on my face, lol). Unfortunately I don't play poker, perhaps I should learn as it's probably a good idea to put it to good use. But I think that's part of the problem as well, I always seem fine and not bothered and don't give any indications that something's annoying me. I might try practising looking annoyed in the mirror later on :) Thank you x
Twoapenny:
I'm trying to get into the habit of meditating each day now, which I did after I answered the other posts this morning. I just pick out whichever one I fancy from YouTube and I tried one this morning that's for deducing anxiety. The picture I got in my mind while I was doing it was of a little girl that no-one wanted, who kept waiting for someone to come and get her but no-one ever came. I felt like one of those dogs you see at rehoming centres who's been there for years because no-one wants him. It made me feel incredibly sad, but it also made sense of the way I feel now, like I don't matter to people. I hate it when my phone doesn't ring all day (which happens a lot) because I feel like no-one in the world had an urge to speak to me all day and that makes me feel incredibly lonely. So I feel a bit of inner child work is called for. I've abandoned my usual habit of caffeine fixes and sugar to help me rush through the day and have retreated to my bed with healthy snacks and herbal teas, to rest, sleep, read and think. My boy is busy doing his own stuff at the minute and happy to be left to his own devices so I am making the most of the opportunity to look after myself and make this a 'looking after baby Tupp' weekend.
I did want to say thank you to all of you, and to you, Dr G, for being here and having this place. I wouldn't feel safe or comfortable talking about some of these things anywhere else, whether online or face to face, anonymously or otherwise, and it does really help me to be able to write this down and to feel safe doing it so thank you all so much for giving that to me xx
Hopalong:
Me, too.
Loneliness.
Phone rarely ringing.
I think Facebook is part of it. Folks migrate there for their daily humanity and we don't give each other our voices anymore.
(((((((((((Tupp)))))))))
Hops
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