Lighter, I've used that technique for awhile now. But have run up against something that's getting in the way. I think maybe just time will fix it; there isn't any other solution, really.
That is: I don't trust myself enough to make smart decisions. Part of the benefit of being in a relationship is having someone to talk things through with; their viewpoints/druthers; all that makes for a better decision and better understanding of the decision overall, IMO. I need someone to critique and see the things I'm missing; someone to validate; and someone to "what if..." with.
At the root of this, is that it still feels taboo - a sin against the "way things are supposed to be" - to simply know what I want and decide to go do that. To just suit myself - and to hell with what anyone else thinks, wants, or is afraid will happen to me. My "job", if you will, is to see the other half of "my brain"; the other person... gets enough of what he wants/needs. You could say my autonomy has atrophied over the years of being in relationships. It needs some rehab.
And in particular - I'm seeking male input/validation. Approval, perhaps. Someone to challenge my preconceived notions and settling for "whatever I can get" - instead of seeking a higher standard. Competitiveness was a part of my relationship with hubs; but not mean spirited - it didn't matter who "won" - what mattered was how that challenge was "played". At the end of the day - no matter the frustrations or perceived insults - we still loved each other just the way we are; warts & all.
Part of my brain is trying to tell me, that I could've altered the facts of what happened. I keep kicking it's butt, too. Because how this all happened was Mike's choice; I felt like a nag as it was - suggesting he see a doctor. For YEARS, even before we moved. We had discussed it all in depth. Several times. He chose not to and only acquiesced at the end, because we all ganged up on him. And he lived his worst nightmare of tests, tubes, and hospitals. And once we were able to make him comfortable and safe at home - he had his exit plan all lined up. He told me one day, even through not being able to talk clearly, that he was NOT a piece of furniture! I think that meant, that he felt like he was - because literally, there was almost nothing he could do for himself. He hated that; absolutely could not bear it. And it hurt him to see how tired I was too, even with the night nurses helping.
I don't know what that nasty, finger-pointing part of my brain is or why it exists in me. It's evil. It's not "conscience", as my mother still tries to tell me. I sure as hell didn't do anything wrong. But having to deal with it, and with the lack of some brain-storming partner who will let me talk things out... is getting me stuck. Stuck is bad; stuck is deer in the headlights; stuck is... well, dead in the water. No power; no energy; no directional rudders; no compass - just drifting. Ack.
So, I'm flailing a bit. Looking for purchase; some traction and something to grab onto and pull myself out of this.
Because I built a homestead, with Ex#2 - and because the past few years I found myself trying to replicate some aspects of that here at the beach (and conditions are the worst they can be for that), I'm on a couple of forums for that kind of thing. Those folks are hearing me say I'm lonely, is the latest feedback. Except, I really don't want to be around people. I like the amount of space I have, that I only share with the cat. I don't want to have to interact -- yet here I am -- looking for that connection. And over there - looking for validation and things I didn't think about re: the cabin that I haven't spent 24 hours in yet.
Do you suppose it's possible to want two mutually exclusive things at once? Unconsciously and subconsciously? And maybe even what passes for consciousness? (yeah, that's three - but who's counting???)
Yep; flailing. I guess this will pass too.
