Hello everyone! I haven't been here in quite a while, mainly because I’ve been so busy, but have started lurking here in recent months after continued harassment during the Christmas holidays, even after NM's demise. I'm coming up on three years since my N Mother died, and thought I’d touch base to let everyone know what has happened in the wake of her death since it was not what I had expected (or maybe I should say, not what I had hoped). If I recall, Hops is the only other person here with a deceased NM, so this may be of interest to some. Every case is different, but with this type of dysfunctional family, maybe not.
I was recently reading yet another book on N mothers, called “Narcissists Exposed.” The author talks about the different people in an N’s life, and says that those who have been co-dependent, and believe the N is an innocent victim, will ALWAYS believe that, even after the N is gone, and even if the N has hurt that person. I’m finding that to be very true.
When NM died, I really thought that my family would somehow become whole again; that my father would see her for what she was, and that my poor downtrodden sister would finally be free to live a normal life away from NM’s total control. It didn’t happen that way. So, this is what has happened with each family member:
Co-Father: He has continued to stalk me and act as her faithful servant, carrying out his obligatory duties of sending Christmas boxes and birthday/holiday cards filled with guilt messages like, “Happy Birthday. Hope you’re well. I’m old and sick will probably die soon, so it would be nice if you’d bother calling.” As some of you may remember, NM obtained my address through illegal means, and Co-F still has no proof that I live here. After NM died, my sister emailed me and said she needed my address “for the lawyers,” so I acted like I didn't know what she was talking about and told her she already had it. I gave her the address of the previous home, which we stilled owned at the time. Apparently she didn’t believe me, because they pulled the ultimate sneaky tactic to try and confirm my current address. Co-F had his lawyer send a copy of his will with a letter stating that I was “required” to sign and return a letter of receipt, which asked for my address AND phone number. The lawyer could have sent it certified mail with a signature required, which would have given them the proof of address, but I’m sure it was the phone number that they wanted. I saw right through it and ignored it. Even if we were still on speaking terms, there was NO WAY I would ever sign off on a document that says I’ve been disinherited. What a cruel thing to ask of a child.
About six months later, I received a second letter from the lawyer saying they had never received my signed document, and to please respond before their "deadline" (or what would happen exactly, I would be disinherited?). All a ploy. There is absolutely no reason to send out copies of a will for a person who is still living and can make changes at any time, nor should it be necessary to sign off on it. With this second notice I was livid. I called the lawyer and told her that the address she used was a rental property owned by an in-law, and that I had only received it because the renters had moved out and left mail for the landlord behind. I told her to stop sending any communication to the address she was using as it was harassing the tenants, and to pass that on to my father. The communication from the lawyer ceased, but his cards keep coming. I had asked the tenants in our AZ house to look out for any mail addressed to me, but they said nothing was coming for me outside of junk mail. NM gave him a new address, and he never questioned her, ever. If I were to move tomorrow, he would continue to send stuff to this address for the rest of his life, even if the Post Office returned it. So he's going to stalk me here until he dies or I move, whichever comes first.
Sister: Within days of NM’s death, my sister joined Facebook, and created accounts for both her and NM, then proceeded to “friend” my dead mother. It was creepy and weird, like some kind of attempt at keeping her alive. Still, I was hopeful she would snap out of it and regain her independence. I sent her a few emails, but she never replied. She was only willing to communicate if it were official business. I started watching her Facebook activity, using a second ID I had created (I blocked her from my primary ID so she can’t watch me). What a saw on her page was pretty unsettling. She was slowly becoming my mother. She had taken over NM’s role in Co-Father’s life. Rather than starting to date or go places with friends, she was with him instead. All. The. Time. Her FB posts also started to take on a bitter tone, some sounding very much like NM.
I’m not a psychiatrist, so really don’t know what’s going on here, but perhaps after years of being under NM’s thumb, she’s now enjoying being the one with the power. Her signature was on all of the correspondence from the lawyer regarding the will, to which she is now the sole heir and executor. She is in complete control of the estate, and like NM, is using it for revenge. Their will states that she (sister) can disperse a portion of Co-F’s estate to myself or my brother, but only for education (which neither of us needs) or for catastrophic medical bills. This was all per NM’s wishes, keeping money out of our hands unless there’s an emergency, and even then we would have to grovel for it. In my brother’s case, sister is now getting revenge against the spoiled golden child and his N wife, who treated her like dirt. In my case, it looks like NM managed to turn her against me in her five years of having “four weeks to live.” Back when NM was first diagnosed, sister replied to an email saying, “Mum says I’m not allowed to talk to you.” I’m guessing she was ordered to never speak to me again, and probably won’t. She’s living in fear of a dead woman.
My sister recently posted a photo on Facebook that she had taken at Comic Con. She was in full costume, wearing a tiara, sitting on the iron throne from “Game of Thrones.” The look on her face is unbelievably condescending. I took one look at that picture and just knew she was gone.
Brother (the Golden Child): From what I can glean, he has distanced himself, or maybe even gone NC from Co-Father. He had always been the favorite child, never wanting for anything, and had been the sole heir until NM had the will changed to get even with him for marrying a woman she hated (ironically, a raging N just like herself). In the strangest twist of fate, both the GC and the Scapegoat Child have ended up on equal footing. I haven’t heard from my brother in years, but I have this gut feeling that when Co-F passes, he’ll contact me immediately about contesting the will. That will is bizarre and totally unenforceable. For example, sister inherits their paid off house, and is required to live in it and maintain my mother's room exactly as it was, as some sort of shrine. She's also required to sell her own house, that has minimal to no equity, and split the proceeds three ways. She gets both the parents' house and 1/3 of any profits from sale of her own house. And as mentioned above, both my brother and I can only get our percentages by request for emergency expenses, which she can deny, so she really gets to keep it all. That being said, a will cannot force another person to sell their own home, so it all works on the honor system and simply can’t be enforced. I personally don’t care about it as I always figured I’d be disinherited anyway, but the GC won’t let it stand, nor will his greedy monster of an N-wife. It will be interesting to see what happens.
This is long and rambling, but the short story of what I never saw coming:
1. The Golden Child completely cut off from funds and disinherited.
2. My sister, who was downtrodden and kept under NM's thumb all her life, has become NM!
3. For the scapegoat child, pretty much nothing has changed. Maybe in the end, I come out of this the one with the most normal life? I haven't a single regret about going NC and remaining NC. Not one. It was the right thing to do.
Kathy
