Boundaries with N parents

[Ales2]

very interesting article

http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2016/07/how-to-set-adult-boundaries-with-narcissistic-parents/#

hope all is well here at the board!

[JustKathy]

Great article! Thanks for sharing this one.

[Twoapenny]

I found no contact was the only way for me to set a boundary.  Any sort of contact or communication became a battle, however brief and whatever the reason for it was.  I genuinely felt I couldn't behave like a human being around my mum and that's no way for anyone to live their life.

[JustKathy]

No contact was the only way for me too. I tried to create boundaries by ignoring her victim act and refusing her constant interrogation, but it only angered her more and made her push back harder. When she asked me how much I paid for my house and I wouldn't tell her, she did a records search with the city and got the information. It became too much, so I removed her from my life. She died without ever seeing me again, and I've never felt the slightest bit of remorse. I'm pretty certain that I never will.

[Twoapenny]

No contact was the only way for me too. I tried to create boundaries by ignoring her victim act and refusing her constant interrogation, but it only angered her more and made her push back harder. When she asked me how much I paid for my house and I wouldn't tell her, she did a records search with the city and got the information. It became too much, so I removed her from my life. She died without ever seeing me again, and I've never felt the slightest bit of remorse. I'm pretty certain that I never will.

Yes, same here, Kathy, the more I tried to have a 'normal' relationship with her the angrier (and more dangerous) she got.  My mum's just like that, she'll go to enormous lengths to find out things about me and my son and sees no reason why she shouldn't.  I don't know how I'll feel about her dying - relief, I suspect, but also sadness that she never sorted herself out, perhaps?  It does make me sad when people who could have a nice life ruin it by their actions and then blame everybody else (for being selfish enough not to put up with abuse!) x

[JustKathy]

Tup,

I hate to say this, but when my NM died I felt a HUGE sense of relief. A lot of that was the result of her creating so much drama over her cancer (if that’s even what she had). I had guilt laid on me for five years, making me believe that she had only “weeks to live.” When it finally ended, my only reaction was, thank goodness, it’s over.

I never felt sadness for her not sorting out her life because she didn’t want to sort things out. In her mind, she was perfect, and everyone around her was flawed. She was expecting everyone else to sort out their lives to accommodate HER.  I totally agree that she ruined her chance of a nice life, though in my mum’s case, her definition of a nice life was a far cry from what mine was. For me, a nice life is good friends, good job, children, pets, and the simple joys that bring happiness. To my N-Mother, a nice life was being the queen bee, controlling everyone around her, and having material goods to boast about. I’m sure my mum died believing that she had been cheated out of a nice life because she was unable to control one of her children. I guess maybe I feel sad ABOUT her, but not sad FOR her, if that made sense. 

[Twoapenny]

Tup,

I hate to say this, but when my NM died I felt a HUGE sense of relief. A lot of that was the result of her creating so much drama over her cancer (if that’s even what she had). I had guilt laid on me for five years, making me believe that she had only “weeks to live.” When it finally ended, my only reaction was, thank goodness, it’s over.

I never felt sadness for her not sorting out her life because she didn’t want to sort things out. In her mind, she was perfect, and everyone around her was flawed. She was expecting everyone else to sort out their lives to accommodate HER.  I totally agree that she ruined her chance of a nice life, though in my mum’s case, her definition of a nice life was a far cry from what mine was. For me, a nice life is good friends, good job, children, pets, and the simple joys that bring happiness. To my N-Mother, a nice life was being the queen bee, controlling everyone around her, and having material goods to boast about. I’m sure my mum died believing that she had been cheated out of a nice life because she was unable to control one of her children. I guess maybe I feel sad ABOUT her, but not sad FOR her, if that made sense. 

You've just described my mum to a T, Kathy!  I've not had contact with her for years but when we were still in touch there was an incident where I was most definitely led to believe she probably had cancer only to find she had a cyst which they biopsied just to be on the safe side but she'd been told all the way through that it was most likely benign, they just like to be sure.  My younger sister is still in contact with her and there are endless dramas where small amounts of information are fed through but not enough to actually know what's going on, and everything is made to be a bigger deal than it is.  And yes, I recognise those descriptions of life needing to revolve around them and having lots of material possessions.  Our last big row involved her telling me she was going to cut me out of her will and me telling her she could shove everything she'd every bought in whichever place she wanted to; I'd never take anything from her anyway.  She's made a big deal of telling my sister that a distant cousin will be acting as executor and that people will 'see what it's really all been about' once the will is read, as if anyone is interested!  It's a shame that people can't see their own behaviour and what it's doing to others.

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, there are no "others" - not in the sense of autonomous people - for Ns. Instead, those people are merely tools to do their bidding, live lives according to the Ns desires, and reflect greatness, wisdom and superior evolution/moral superiority and intelligence back upon them.

That's why all our attempts to deal with them like regular people, always backfire or fail; leaving us not much choice except the no-contact route. And like the regular people we are, we accept responsibility for not remembering their limitations or the pattern, and sometimes even chide ourselves for holding onto the hope that this time will be different.

I don't know if my mother is learning new tricks in her old age, or if she really is concerned about me lately. But she HAS started to literally ask me how I'm doing and listen to the answer. We've been on limited contact since about... 1999? I did move away in 1980 and that helped a great deal, but the telephone is her conduit. For the last 6-8 years, I've been turning that telephone intrusion around, thanks to caller ID. Slowly training her, that I decide when I have time to listen to her same old, same old list of unresolved problems and stuff in her head. Still working on the one about, I already have all my own "stuff" I need to deal with - and can't carry yours along with me too.

There seems to be minor progress on her part, now that I'm almost 60. LOL. I am content with anything that is possible for her, at all. Just wary that this might be bait for a trap - and all the old stuff will get sprung on me at the worst possible time - yet again. So, no. I still don't always pick up when I see it's her.