New book about narcissism

[Hopalong]

Somebody read this and tell me about it, please!   

(I'll read it eventually but ain't buying books right now. It'll be at the library soon.)

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/01/books/review-the-selfishness-of-others-or-im-ok-youre-a-narcissist.html?_r=0

hugs
Hops

[JustKathy]

I don’t know, Hops. I have a lot of mixed feelings about so much being written about narcissism lately. It seems almost trendy to write about it, and so much of what I’ve read pretty much says that anyone who’s ever taken a selfie or been on television is a narcissist. I've even read that millennials are a generation of narcissists. An entire generation!

The problem I have with all of this is that is completely invalidates the abuse that people in our generation suffered at the hands of N parents. When I tell people that my mother had NPD, they don’t get that I was REALLY abused. People think my mother was just self-centered, like Kim Kardashian. I just dropped another therapist when I told her that N’s do some really crazy things, and she agreed, mentioning the recent death of someone who fell at the Grand Canyon trying to take a selfie. I just wanted to beat my head on the desk.

This book is only 140 pages long, yet I’ve written far more than that in my journal/memoir. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like everyone is trying to cash in on the narcissism trend, without understanding that there’s a vast and very serious (even dangerous) difference between being selfish and engaging in the sadistic abuse of your children. Weird, because it would seem to be a good time to publish my memoir, but I also wonder if anyone would relate to it, since it’s not about the kind of narcissism that people have come to know.

With this recent proliferation of N-talk, I’m actually starting to feel like some other type of abuse happened to me. I mean, according to the media, N’s are simply “entitled.” It was a life-changing moment for me when I learned about NPD. My abuse was finally validated, but now I feel completely invalidated. I’m ranting off topic here, but all of this casual N-talk is really messing with my head. I need to go back and read books that were written 10-20 years ago in order to feel validated again. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel this way?

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry what you experienced can be called sadistic abuse, ((((Kathy)))), no matter what other terminology fits it.

It is frustrating when a T doesn't really get what parental N-behavior does to the child, or mis-describes or minimizes that behavior.

But it's on a spectrum, from my vain manipulative NMom (who twisted up my psyche but didn't know what or why she did, and who never hit me) to your parent...who sounds like a very very different story.

I'm sorry you went through all that and hope you can find a T who'll validate your pain.

Hops

[Ales2]

I have a lot of mixed feelings about so much being written about narcissism lately. It seems almost trendy to write about it, and so much of what I’ve read pretty much says that anyone who’s ever taken a selfie or been on television is a narcissist. I've even read that millennials are a generation of narcissists. An entire generation!

The problem I have with all of this is that is completely invalidates the abuse that people in our generation suffered at the hands of N parents. When I tell people that my mother had NPD, they don’t get that I was REALLY abused. People think my mother was just self-centered, like Kim Kardashian. I just dropped another therapist when I told her that N’s do some really crazy things, and she agreed, mentioning the recent death of someone who fell at the Grand Canyon trying to take a selfie. I just wanted to beat my head on the desk.

This book is only 140 pages long, yet I’ve written far more than that in my journal/memoir. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like everyone is trying to cash in on the narcissism trend, without understanding that there’s a vast and very serious (even dangerous) difference between being selfish and engaging in the sadistic abuse of your children. Weird, because it would seem to be a good time to publish my memoir, but I also wonder if anyone would relate to it, since it’s not about the kind of narcissism that people have come to know.

With this recent proliferation of N-talk, I’m actually starting to feel like some other type of abuse happened to me. I mean, according to the media, N’s are simply “entitled.” It was a life-changing moment for me when I learned about NPD. My abuse was finally validated, but now I feel completely invalidated. I’m ranting off topic here, but all of this casual N-talk is really messing with my head. I need to go back and read books that were written 10-20 years ago in order to feel validated again. Is it just me? Does anyone else feel this way?

Just Kathy - I absolutely, positively agreeing and validating your post here.  Not only agreeing but making some observations below where I think the recent Nism trend is actually dangerous because it proliferates some myths about Nism.

*Its trendy and Nism is encouraged and proliferated by reality television and social media. We know this is not true. Most Nism comes from early trauma, not social media to TV. It can encourage Nism or Nism-like behaviors (grandiosity, selfishness, excessive needs for admiration without corresponding accomplishments), but not cause it.

*Its invalidates and underestimates the pain and suffering caused by real N abuse sustained during childhood that affects self image, self esteem, self talk and core abilities such as assertiveness (usually discouraged and punished) and personal responsibility, competence and achievement.

*It seems to be that the current trend around Nism focused on the superficial, recognizable and almost benign aspects of Nism (self centered, grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, interest in superficial accomplishments and appearances) and blatantly ignores the malignant personality traits that are rarely seen that harm others. Observations about Nism don't include two cornerstones of the abuse people suffer - emotional and verbal abuse, these people are more than self centered, they are manipulative and controlling and abusive.

Im right there with you Kathy!

[Ales2]

One more little thing. When I came to the board in 2009 just before it closed, thank you Dr. G, I was asserting boundaries with my NMother. Cant tell you how many times I passed right over Bones' thread "Is it always N Behavior to violate boundaries?". I saw the title and understood it, but not yet integrated it into my life.

My point is - People who understand Ns know that violating boundaries is a daily occurrence. Its why many end up going NC eventually. Irony is, its the rank amateurs that think you can set boundaries with an N.   These are the people who are proliferating false facts around Nism.

I was one of those people, at first, not anymore.

 

[JustKathy]

*It seems to be that the current trend around Nism focused on the superficial, recognizable and almost benign aspects of Nism (self centered, grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, interest in superficial accomplishments and appearances) and blatantly ignores the malignant personality traits that are rarely seen that harm others.

Yes! The word has become ridiculously trendy to use. You can't go online or watch TV for even an hour without hearing that someone is a narcissist. The word narcissistic has basically replaced the word egotistical. When I hear it, it's mostly to describe someone who has a big ego, but those people are merely self-centered, and not dangerous to others. The so-called experts on TV will tell you that Ns are hard to be around because they are high-maintenance and require a lot of attention. No mention is ever made of the cruel and abusive things they do to others, especially their own children.

What puzzles me, is with all this current talk of N-ism, there still seems to be very little understanding of it coming from psychiatric professions. You would think that psych students would be studying this at length right now. Or maybe they are, but somewhere along the way, the study has turned to the effects of reality television and social media, and how that creates "narcissists." Of the MANY therapists I've seen over the years, the only one who seemed to have much knowledge of NPD was over the age of 60. The younger ones I've seen lately have been pretty clueless. I find it truly sad for the current generation of N-victim children if universities are teaching psych majors that Instagram causes Nism. 

[Ales2]

Boom!!!!!!!!!!!! YaYessssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narcissism is the new synonym for egotistical and yet they are so vastly different it is outrageous!!!!!!

For the young kids who suffer and search for answers, they truly have my compassion, its very hard to get the right diagnosis about a parent with Nism, hard to get over it and move on productively.  As for the people who minimize it and don't pay attention to the full catastophe of NPD, oh well, I hope they wise up or they will end up working for one, marrying one and it ruins their life.