Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Continued healing
sKePTiKal:
GS, what do you hope is on the other side of your struggles? What do you WANT on the other side? (They may not be exactly the same things.)
And you know what? if you get there, and it IS what you hoped and wanted... but you don't want it WHEN you are there, you can do/be something else, too.
I have to remind myself about this a lot, because it's too easy to get locked into what we SHOULD hope & want for ourselves (according to other people) instead of really getting to know what it is we do want.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on August 04, 2016, 12:27:26 AM ---Two penny, thank you for asking. Thank you so much for noticing. You have no idea what it means to me.
Honestly, it has been a pretty bad summer. But I believe I am going deep into very early trauma and that it is healing. I hope to find the light very soon.
How are you?
--- End quote ---
((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry it is so tough at the moment. Going into some of these things is so, so hard. I hope it starts to ease up a little. It's hard not knowing how long it will take. But little by little things shift and start to resettle themselves, hopefully in a way that is easier to manage. Hang on in there.
I'm doing fine :) We actually have some sun in the UK at the moment, lol, it's a miracle! So I'm trying to get outside as much as possible and top up the Vitamin D levels :)
We are all thinking of you xx
Gaining Strength:
I wrote something I want to share here. It may be premature as has been the case often during my struggles but something feels different this time and even if it isn't I know progress is being made.
"Jon Kabat-Zinn's Loving Kindness meditation asks us to remember being loved by someone and if that is not possible to imaging being loved. After months and months of practicing this meditation something happened today for me, a shift of some kind. And suddenly I see, feel (as opposed to know) that throughout my entire life, love and obligation were confused, that love and performance were tied together. And while shame is still the predominant feeling coursing through my veins I think the earth may have tilted and the destructive sense of shame may begin to give way to the life giving energy of love. It is odd how I am seeing my past and present in such a different perspective.could this be possible?"
I see into the struggles both before and after my husband died. I especially see into my extreme struggles to connect to my mother. Neither she not my father were capable of love. Each one acted out of something different - my father acted out of obligation and called it love, my mother acted out of fear of being alone and called it love. Neither was love and both were profoundly damaging to me.
Today I am able to tap into a true feeling of love. It is somewhat fleeting but I know that as I continue to practice the mindfulness meditations that connection will grow and as it does, the omnipresence of shame will diminish. I have lived in under the shadow of shame my entire life and it has left me caught in a wheel of desperation and despair, running harder and harder and falling farther and farther behind. Life has been impossible living in shame.
Today the light crept in and I believe it will grow. I am fully aware of the feeling of inadequacy, not deserving, failure and all the various forms of shame I have written about and struggled against. The inability to clean,,organize, complete tasks and on and on has been 100% about shame. And now, I am able to face it head on, name it and not be completely paralyzed, not need to hide. I know where the shame came from and that I did not deserve it. And finally, with work and practice, I can tap into a feeling of love which is the light to shine into the darkness of shame.
With trepidation I am going to press the Post button and put this declaration out into the world, starting with this safe place that gave me a platform to begin this difficult journey.
Thanks to all who have weather this with me. It has certainly been a long journey.
lighter:
(((GS)))
I believe writing them down helps us learn, internalize, and keep the hard lessons. In fact, maybe it's the best way to hang on, sometimes by our fingertips, and keep the lessons at hand.... where we can touch them, turn them over, examine them, and maybe make friends with them?
And posting it here means you're not only sharing... you're also teaching.
Teaching is the next step in learning/healing, IME.
I'm so glad you hit POST. :)
Lighter
Hopalong:
I am so glad you have experienced love, GS...and so moved that you have persisted until you were able to be its channel for yourself.
That is beautiful and so hopeful.
(And you know I understand the paralysis thing. I'm better too, fits and starts. I'll never been an automatic functioner, it'll always require a dialogue with myself--"This is what I want to do, it feels good to be doing this now"--without being ashamed of how hard it's been when I've been anxious.
love
Hops
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