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Continued healing

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lighter:
Bones:

You're right, abuse is abuse, but it's helpful (for me) to assume everyone is doing their "best," which admittedly does sound wrong. 

Maybe it wouldn't sound so bad if it was re phrased.....

Everyone is doing what they're capable of?

The goal isn't to excuse or forgive abuse, IME.

The goal here is to make peace with it, myself, and leave it behind so as to limit the damage it's doing in my present, IMO.

I'm sorry if my post upset you, ((Bones.))   That wasn't my intention.

Lighter

Gaining Strength:

--- Quote ---You deserved to be cherished, protected and cared for as a child.
--- End quote ---

Thank you. 

A friend told me a story last week about a church friend who was profoundly shamed as a child.  When she recently told her psychologist he said to her, "I am so sorry.  You did not deserve that."  He meant it.  And she fell apart, dissolving into tears.  It touched her core.

Gaining Strength:
Bones, it is true that abuse is abuse regardless of the abusers ability or even intention.  Plus, my mother had many opportunities to own her part, to apologize, to regret.  And she never did.  My father became so severely mentally ill after a successful, prominent  career that I never looked for any acknowledgement.  He was pathetic and I would cringe if I saw him out in public.  But my mother could have owned her part and chose not to.  At one point when I quit speaking to her she agreed to see a counselor and did admit to lying to me.  But the guy was weak and completely let her off the hook, following up,only by asking why and letting it go when she said, "I don't know." She copped out to admitting that she lied but not even giving a single example.  That was as good as it got. She knew what she had done but wouldn't own it.  Still hurts.  She died 3 years ago tomorrow.

Gaining Strength:
Today, I was able to tackle several chores at the top of my list.  I felt the rush of shame flood me and the anxiety shoot out of the back of my brain, flooding my cranium, cramping my gut.  But I returned to the voice of loving kindness that I am growing through my daily meditation.  It sustained me. 

My work ahead of me is to continue growing this voice.  Facing the shaming work, growing the voice.  The stronger I get the less terrified I will be. The more willing I will be to face the shaming.  That is the key to progressing out of this paralysis.

I have another chore ahead of me early this afternoon.  Setting a schedule is shaming as well.  It triggers the, "you always say but never do" internalized voice.  I counter that with the helpful, encourager, " it is difficult but you can do it.  Just start. Step by step."

That's my goal.  Just start.

Step out of retreat.knowing the neurology shifts each time I step out of retreat within the framework of loving kindness.  At some point, the doing will be wired with the loving kindness.  That is the goal.

Gaining Strength:
I did my afternoon chore.  I'm so relieved.

But more important, I was not shamed in doing it.  THAT is huge and that is what I have to process and remember.  I was not shamed in doing my chore. 

Could the log jam be breaking up?

No to get dressed and be on time - yet another life long shaming issue.

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