Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Continued healing
Gaining Strength:
Listening to JKZ.
Not fixing thinking, not CBT but recognizing and befriending thoughts, allowing them to come and go.
Gaining Strength:
In the paragraph of triangulation, I see my mother who talked about me to my brothers. She was thrilled to see us not have relationships among each other, sit back and watch my brothers belittle and sabotage me and say nothing. That still hurts and it set up such an indescribable situation at the time of her death that I still have not been able to process where my brothers were given conteol and power and used their connections to turn extended family and the legal system ( one brother and his wife lawyers) against me. Mo was not allowed into my mother's home to get my or my sons belongings nor to go through her clothes, etc. he pain of it is still indescribable. But none has let me talk about it or even sympathized with me.
I will process this in time but it may be the last thing.
Gaining Strength:
Paragraphs 4 and 5 reminds me how often I wrote or talked about my mother being stuck as a pre-pubescent child.
I am also reminded how I became aware of my own disassociation from emotions in my young adulthood. I have transcended that but of course there is a price (though worth paying.). The price is actually feeling the indescribable pain. Now I feel it so I can be aware of it and move through it.
And triumphant paragraph 6 is about healing. Healing that requires awareness and understanding and self-acceptance (which resides alongside the part of me that rejects who I am.). Focus on what is good, grow it through focus.
Gaining Strength:
I'm making progress and I'm so thankful. The anxiety is starting to lift. There are cracks in the blanket of shame.
So I'm on to the big one. The not good enough, the told you you would fail, you don't deserve nice, etc. etc. that's the big one. The big crippled. Time to face up. Time to open awareness.
Gaining Strength:
Window of break through this morning. Able to work. Shame present but not controlling. Using meditation, I am able to hold onto sense of a loving presence even in spite of the lurking presence of my shaming N parents. This is the most substantial break through in my life to date.
Hope giving.
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