Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Continued healing
Gaining Strength:
Today, this process has put me in touch with that pain of abandonment. It is wretched. I think it is exposed b/c I am finally able to tolerate it through the work with loving kindness.
I worked hard on chores. A huge plus. And then I found myself testing different triggers. Not intentionally at first but when I bumped into them they did not hurt as bad as usual. All of this gives me hope.
Gaining Strength:
Thank you Teartracks. I am so thankful to make progress and to have this place where I can work some of this out. Mi am a person who has to understand to Move forward, to work out the insanity I accepted and the prison that it created in my own mind and brain.
Gaining Strength:
I dealt with some very difficult things this weekend. One was a reunion of sorts - a cocktail,party Friday and luncheon Saturday. Only females in a broad range of ages. It included people from high school who used to be my close friends but who have moved on. It is such a huge hole,in my life. But I went, and smiled and enjoyed - all the while feeling those old feelings wash over me, remembering how my sense of rejection had left me angry and bitter and pushed people even further away across the years. It was bittersweet.
But I also saw that my longing across the years to reintegrate into old friendships, the longing to be included had kept me in pain as well. So I was able to be thankful,for what I had had, thankful for being together in that moment and move on to mourn what I have lost without giving in to the longing to be included in the future.
Sunday, I was hit hard by a loss that is in progress. I had not seen it coming even though I have been in the middle of it for some years. It hit me so hard and knocked my new found feet out from underneath me. I felt the panic rush in. I could hardly keep standing but I was out in public. Once I saw what was happening I reluctantly pulled myself back together and used the techniques that are helping me. I was able to avoid descending into a depth. But this ironing when I awoke I was clearly in a depression.
I know this is not a steady rise without slips but the slips down are scary. This will take time and I have to remember that yesterday evening and into the night I was able to really make important shifts in my thinking and feelings. That is huge and I am focusing on that today as I continue climbing out of that scary place.
Hopalong:
(((((GS))))))
I think it is so huge that with the old friends, you were able to stay in the present and view the moment from a different perspective, and you chose consciously to remain grounded in what you have in the present, rather than trying to rewrite the past. The fact that despite acknowledging and accepting that waves of old emotions also came and went, the overall experience was that you claimed your inherent right to exist and enjoy being alive.
That is just wonderful. Imo, especially wonderful because you created that different experience. It didn't happen to you.
Love and support,
Hops
Gaining Strength:
Very bad day. Actually slipped in depression. Totally paralyzed - more than ever.
THEN, I realized that I have not fallen back into old ways or old stuff but more old stuff is bubbling up, like air in a liquid, bubbling up to be released, to allow me to turn repressed, unconscious into awareness. . This is an opportunity for further healing. No fear. This is hope..
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