Narcissism
Submitted by Arla on January 22, 2016 - 1:26am
I have been privileged to counsel with many narcissists who have taught me more than all the books I have read about the tragic, insecure, damaging life of someone with NPD. I have been even more privileged to counsel with hundreds of people who have tried their darnedest to have a real relationship with a narcissist, whether spouse, mother, daughter, boss, employee, friend or neighbor. The narcissist's pervasive, persistent pattern of self importance, demandingness, bullying, entitlement, and lack of empathy sandwiched with an uncanny ability to charm, ingratiate, self promote, and appear genuine can create long term confusion, ambivalence, and crazy making. They are stacked in the domestic violence population. Beyond the general list of NPD characteristics, some additional observations are that they tend to operate according to, "if I am not winning, I am losing." In other words when the rest of us are pleased to compromise, negotiate, be mutual, practice teamwork, or share, the NPD will evaluate those terms as them not winning, so therefore they are losing and that is not acceptable. I do believe they are frequently bewildered at people's reactions because they believe in their superiority and are shocked when others do not stand down around their demands. Their apparent need for control just sucks them into destructive patterns of punitive disregard, manipulative cajoling, and demanding bossiness. I have watched grown men weep when they were temporarily able to recognize their NPD when kindly confronted (maybe fearing the death to self that would be required to build a healthy relationship) but they have been unable to sustain growth process more than a few short weeks. By then they are stinking mad that their feeble efforts are not properly appreciated and forgiveness and trust not fully extended. They reveal themselves. They are typically unable to own many negative assessments about themselves, but are profuse in their disparaging evaluations of others.
Mates of NPD spouses tend to have their own pervasive patterns of accommodation, pretzeling, and self blame. They optimistically try to change themselves to gain the approval of that unaccepting mate. After clear explanation of the NPD, some choose to extricate themselves from the destructive relationship. Others are able to maintain the relationship based on honest awareness and newfound strength of boundary setting and internal valuing of self. They stop blaming themselves.
wow, this got me going, didn't it? smile
I so want people to be educated about this common dynamic that wreaks such havoc in relationships.
