This is sad, but I must share it.
Yesterday morning, I wake up with a nagging question. I got up early to clean my apartment before my writing partner came over for our weekly session. As I started making the bed, feedlng the cats and enjoying my first cup of coffee, I could not shake my sadness at being 47 and feeling very much jealous of others success, keeping in mind, I actively pursued the same goals, without success.
The first question I asked myself was "am I not a good enough person?" Then I remind myself, to look around at other people, many of whom have what I want, a successful career (which Ive had the courage to pursue) and a family, my own home, vacations, people who love and care about me, a sense of fulfillment and purpose and maybe achievement ( I write and produce shows - so not unreasonable goals, they are in fact aligned with my daily work) and yet, here I am. Then it occurs to me that my first problem is -- I always ask "am I good enough". Thats the N lie that I grew up with, the lingering self doubt and the ridiculous need to work hard prove I am good enough to deserve anything. And, somehow, I always come up short.
Today was no different, at breakfast with a dear friend who revealed some grizzly details of her family drama, the conversation eventually turned to me and we talked again about me being single. She is 50 now, just three years older than me and married already for 25 years. What she told me was at first comforting, kind and much appreciated. She said how much it was meeting the right person, if I could persevere until then and that my family NMother drama that I considered a liability would actually be a source of strength in a relationship. I agreed with her. She also told me everyone has their own, different path. I agreed with that too.
But, as we ended the breakfast and I thought about what she said, the perseverance came up for me. I dont have it. I find dating frustrating and dont believe there is anyone this late in life who would want to be with me. Im sure part of my problem already is that I dont have the belief that love exists for me to persevere through the bad dates and the disappointment. As far as a source of strength, some days I do feel it and others I feel weak and helpless. Mostly weak and helpless actually, which of course makes it hard to believe and persevere.
And, then along comes JAmes Allen. You know that guy. The "As A Man Thinketh in His Heart, so is he". Basically, we are all walking self fulfilling prophecies.
So, I try to stay positive, but find it hard, even when a good friend tells me the truth (and she knows many of my foibles), I have trouble believing it.
