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Random Writing, do I have writer's block...? - ? + ? X ?

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Meh:
I have a flu or cold that started two days ago. On my period. Have no plans for the weekend. Dealing with a new haircut that is the opposite of what I asked for, wondering when it's going to grow out again.

I'm on the verge of telling myself that I am depressed yet what if it's just feeling physically unwell or slighted and bored and unimportant and lonely.

sKePTiKal:
Hey G... why do we have to (always) put a name to how we are? what we feel? does giving it a name make us feel more in control of it? make it lift away to leave.... what?.... behind?

Why not, once in a while, just feel the way we feel... and be "in the feeling"... and not outside it, trying to measure it, define & analyze it, until we can finally pin that butterfly to a board? Just for something different, you understand. If that is too freaky or weird or useless, a person can always go back to the "usual". It has helped down here, for me to give myself permission to have a day like that. To just drift from feeling to feeling - feeling it - and not recording it, x-raying it, or anything. I prepare for a day like this by making sure I have food I like to eat, something to read/watch - movies are still best for me - my favorite lounge clothes and fuzzy slippers... then I promise myself to let both phones go to voicemail... and just be a slug.

I haven't done the bubble bath thing yet. The last few times I tried that, I felt silly. Like, who would enjoy this and find it relaxing? Same with standing meditation or tai chi; instead of helping it just adds self-conscious embarassment as one more thing swirling around in the feeling symphony. I honestly don't know how that feeling is attached to these things (and some others) and maybe I could play detective and follow the clues until I found the origin of this association... but who's got time for that?! LOL...

So, I've pretty much decided those feelings are associated with old tapes in my head and well, tapes are obsolete now. They were always a mess anyway when they'd catch on something and become tangled knots of coated cellophane. I think I'm going to try just deciding to tell those old tapes to piss off, and send them flying back first-class on a hypersonic, warp-speed rocket into the past... and JUST TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Intentionally. Because the old crap just doesn't work for me anymore.

And if that doesn't feel any better... I'm sure the old crap will jump right up and announce "told ya so".

LOL.

Meh:
Friend, I feel like I have lost track of time, goals, life, my purpose.  This is what I just wrote to somebody on Skype.

Meh:
Woke up, called in sick, probably could have gone in but I have been sick all weekend. Need an extra day off. It's a cold or a flu. I feel like I want time to come back to myself, find myself again. I'm probably not going to do it by "staying home" here. Even to just express the need or desire to come back to myself, gain a personal equilibrium. Well that sounds cliche but anyhow it's the gist of it. I've gotten really off track. I have no goals. I probably haven't haven't had much of a goal since 2008. I mean I did have goals. Sneezes. Having some coffee. The thing is sometimes even getting an item or goal off of a to-do list doesn't go smoothly, sometimes we do our side of the bargain but those we hire to do their side as an expert can fail, I mean we can take a care in to get it fixed doesn't mean it actually does get fixed.

Is accomplishing a to-do list really where it's at. I mean it's representative of trying to change, trying to take action. Somehow it might not be the ultimate litmus test.

I hate to use the term "lost" as it's not really a feeling I identify with. Or it's not something that I wish to identify with however it does come up. I could say that my personal life, my personality feels severely downgraded. I'm not the person I used to be. I am not passionate about hobbies anymore, I don't really feed them. Most of it I attribute to fear and finances.

I think I over use my eyes at work and then just being lonely surfing the net. I miss reading, I feel it enriched my life.

The sun is coming up and shining against wet pine trees out my window. Was going to take a photo of it but Windows 10 is doing strange things to my laptop and its leading down a path of trouble shooting, although educational... its now what I want to be doing.

I'm simultaneously writing on here but also a personal journal lol - I guess this place isn't exactly a journal but I use it that way.  

Could say that maybe just my habits have changed slowly over time. Also maybe my attitude. And maybe I blame it on age wrongfully or rightfully blame it on the process of time. Not everybody is like this though.

Suppose I am good at not comparing myself to others but if I did, and I am getting a glimmer of it, I would probably feel 100 times worse about myself.

Hopalong:
Sounds so understandable to me, Boat.
It has/is taking me actual years to recover from a brutal decade+ of stress and losses,
and your situation was worse and your job worse and your losses are fresher.

Mercy.

And, it also sounds like clinical depression, not that I can diagnose.

I hear you, and also imagine that I hear the sound of isolation.
So that's the cure I think of. People, 3-D, some form of joining....

I don't know what it would do or not do. Can't imagine nothing.

Big comforting hugs,
Hops

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