Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Hopalong:
Small is HEAVEN.
I love my little house.
Garden for kitty?
And some blooms?
Oh I like the sound of this, Tupp....
Optimistically, for everything esp. including your son,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thank you both :)
I think yes, it is very much time to move on and leave behind old friends, habits, thought patterns and everything else that is holding me back.
I've told the therapist that I might need to take a break from counselling for a while. The health situation with my son plus a house move is enough to cope with; I think if I dredge up too much at the minute it will tip me over the edge. Her reply was lovely; she said counselling's only a part of recovery and that moving away might do more good for young Tup than counselling will at the moment. She also said I can phone to off load if I need to and to just let her know what I decide to do; the door's open. It's made me want to go back! She's fab.
I've been thinking about friendships today and how many I've had that haven't been that good for me. I realised I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have, even though they don't know it sometimes! For example -
The work on the van has been done and it had to be re-tested today. This is in the town that we're going to try to move to, so we went to a cafe while the test was being done and the sister of someone I went to school with works in there. She's so lovely, we had a really nice chat and I thought to myself this is someone that I would like to spend more time with and get to know better as a friend. And I realised that I don't actually know how to make friends, I've always just hung out with people who've approached me and I've never been proactive about that sort of thing. A lack of confidence, I think and a worry of being rejected. So I'm going to try and visit the cafe a bit more regularly in future.
There's a Lego workshop next to the garage where the van was being fixed. They do big commercial projects, life size Lego tigers, Lego aeroplanes that you can actually sit in, that sort of thing. My son's a big Lego fan and one of the guy's that works in the garage knows the bloke that runs the Lego workshop and bless him, he spoke to him about giving my son a tour and the guy said yes so he's going to get his own Lego adventure! He'll be so excited. So just in the last week I've had all these nice people, none of whom know us terribly well, really go out of their way to be kind, friendly or just be nice company. And I find myself sitting indoors fretting about people who never ring. So I think the Universe is trying to doink me over the head and tell me to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested! And just to hammer the message home I received a joke this evening, by text, from a 'friend' who's made no effort to keep in touch all the time my son's been ill although she lives just up the road. It's a really inappropriate joke and I'm so worried about my son at the moment that not much is making me laugh anyway, but it really made me realise that she has no understanding of my situation and that she really doesn't know me.
So it's really definitely time to move on and make some changes. I'm so tired at the moment the thought of doing anything at all feels too much but I am definitely going to try :)
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have....
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---....to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested!
--- End quote ---
You got it. And what you said about fear of being rejected and feeling awkward in making overtures to people...I think it all goes together with the quotes from you above. When I feel that rejection-vulnerability I often find my critical/judgemental voice kick in. I think when I have racing thoughts about how some other person (regardless of label, "friend" or not) hasn't responded BECAUSE THEY ARE [insert critical label, from self-absorbed to N-ish if I feel really hurt, to boring, to blah and blah...]. Doesn't mean sometimes I'm never accurate or perceptive in identifying negatives about that individual, but I'm talking about the extra energy I give to that round of self-talk.
(Which I just pretend to myself is other-talk, in my head. "Don't you see, why haven't you, you must, you should, a Real Friend would...")
I think it's just social vulnerability, and my judgmental inner editor is a comfort zone. Lonely one.
Maybe you're prone to that too?
I do waaaay better when I can stop "grading" others on the various ways they've disappointed me (sure enough you can find that anywhere you go/live/move) and focus on loving and valuing myself. Not "in defiance of those inadequate/disappointing other people" but just because...it's happier. It's the healthy place to be.
As I get happier with myself, less neglectful of myself, more engaged in my own life...then I'm less dependent on approval, interest or comfort from others. I'm still human and very very aware how much I need community...but I find I am less and less confident that a stalwart web of intimate and totally loyal friends is just going to stably exist because I want it to. I think life is a lot more fragile than that.
For me, the cure is...GROUP. Community. Not fixating on individual people or individual interactions (or the lack thereof). When I let myself participate in something larger, even if it's a group meeting or an "interest group" I am happier. (Then the positive discoveries with individuals, which certainly do happen, are still wonderful...but I don't weight them down with massive expectations/rules/rigidities/fix-my-sad-life stuff.)
I still get stuck in my mind-circles at times, but we don't gotta LIVE there.
I think you're doing fabulously and urge you not to ever dump that wonderful T. Hope you'll just make it an "interval" without therapy, not a change of your new life navigation.
(Last thought: the verbs in your quotes that twanged for me are: thinking, pondering, and dwelling. Add 'em up and you've got rumination -- a major signal of depression.) So often, people don't recognize that actual thoughts, especially articulate and rationally-narrated thoughts, can be symptoms in themselves.) Lest you think I do not do this, I will sign off as:
Hops
Regent of Rumination
lighter:
Tupp:
Reading your post.... reading about the new place... the new people, and esp the move AWAY from ITs.....
it feels very right to me.
Your T sounds very supportive, and it's a relief to know she's a phone call or text away no matter how far you travel.
Releasing the "friend" with love also seems right.... she doesn't know you, and she's not been supportive of you and your son during his illness. It's OK to let people go at the right time for the right reasons. You don't have to justify or explain..... you don't need anyone's approval or permission.... just your own.
You're seizing your authority over your life, Tupp.
Yes: )
::sending you strength, energy, and courage::
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 15, 2016, 07:13:16 PM ---
--- Quote ---I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have....
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---....to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested!
--- End quote ---
You got it. And what you said about fear of being rejected and feeling awkward in making overtures to people...I think it all goes together with the quotes from you above. When I feel that rejection-vulnerability I often find my critical/judgemental voice kick in. I think when I have racing thoughts about how some other person (regardless of label, "friend" or not) hasn't responded BECAUSE THEY ARE [insert critical label, from self-absorbed to N-ish if I feel really hurt, to boring, to blah and blah...]. Doesn't mean sometimes I'm never accurate or perceptive in identifying negatives about that individual, but I'm talking about the extra energy I give to that round of self-talk.
(Which I just pretend to myself is other-talk, in my head. "Don't you see, why haven't you, you must, you should, a Real Friend would...")
I think it's just social vulnerability, and my judgmental inner editor is a comfort zone. Lonely one.
Maybe you're prone to that too?
I do waaaay better when I can stop "grading" others on the various ways they've disappointed me (sure enough you can find that anywhere you go/live/move) and focus on loving and valuing myself. Not "in defiance of those inadequate/disappointing other people" but just because...it's happier. It's the healthy place to be.
As I get happier with myself, less neglectful of myself, more engaged in my own life...then I'm less dependent on approval, interest or comfort from others. I'm still human and very very aware how much I need community...but I find I am less and less confident that a stalwart web of intimate and totally loyal friends is just going to stably exist because I want it to. I think life is a lot more fragile than that.
For me, the cure is...GROUP. Community. Not fixating on individual people or individual interactions (or the lack thereof). When I let myself participate in something larger, even if it's a group meeting or an "interest group" I am happier. (Then the positive discoveries with individuals, which certainly do happen, are still wonderful...but I don't weight them down with massive expectations/rules/rigidities/fix-my-sad-life stuff.)
I still get stuck in my mind-circles at times, but we don't gotta LIVE there.
I think you're doing fabulously and urge you not to ever dump that wonderful T. Hope you'll just make it an "interval" without therapy, not a change of your new life navigation.
(Last thought: the verbs in your quotes that twanged for me are: thinking, pondering, and dwelling. Add 'em up and you've got rumination -- a major signal of depression.) So often, people don't recognize that actual thoughts, especially articulate and rationally-narrated thoughts, can be symptoms in themselves.) Lest you think I do not do this, I will sign off as:
Hops
Regent of Rumination
--- End quote ---
I think what I struggle with (amongst other things) is people taking up my time and there being nothing in it for me? And that sounds very selfish and mercenary, I know, but just this morning (which is funny given that my 'getting out of here and making new friends' thing is at the front of my mind) someone texted, asked me how I was and when I responded that I'm really struggling and really worried about my son they replied that they have two weeks holiday now and they're really excited about it. Why ask if you don't want to acknowledge the response? Then phoned a friend and after fifty minutes of her talking about all her problems realised I wasn't going to get a word in so ended the call. Then a text from someone else with a long explanation of her entire week that ends with 'Hope you're both okay' - she knows we're not but doesn't even want to end the text with a question in case she gets an honest response. I feel like none of those interactions was worth the time?
My head is all over the place at the mo and you're right Hopsie, I am depressed, but equally I don't know what to do about it? Moving will help, I think, but the house I was interested in won't rent to me because I'm not working and at the moment there's nothing else available in that area. We can move out of the area but if we do that we won't be able to carry on seeing the same doctors and will have to start the medical process all over again. Anti-depressants help short term but then the side effects seem to affect me very strongly so I can't take them long term and I'm still in the same situation again. I'm taking as much herbal/self help stuff as I can but it's not cutting it and I can feel myself sinking further and further in.
Group/community get togethers interest me a lot and are something I want to do more of but I still feel this enormous space where I feel I want close, supportive relationships, along side the community stuff I suppose? I feel so stuck, it's like being in quick sand, the more I struggle the further I sink in some ways.
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