Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
Today has been horrific; the sort of day that, fifteen years ago, would have had me ringing the doctor asking to be admitted to the psych ward. I had virtually no control over my mind; my anxiety was so high that I literally couldn't pin a thought down and be rational about anything. I ended up taking both herbal pills and betablockers that were left in the cupboard from an old prescription and washed it down with booze. I haven't done anything like that for years and don't want to be in a position to do it again but today was a bit of an emergency and the doctor's surgery was full so it seemed like the only option.
It did calm me down enough to start gathering my thoughts again. The situation with my son isn't looking good. If he does have this disorder that the blood tests are currently indicating then it can be fatal, and/or leave him severely disabled. There are 'good' cases so he might be one of those but there's absolutely no way of knowing and I am so tired of having to be brave, strong and carrying on. I literally, physically collapsed today and there's literally no-one I can call to come and pick me up. I just lay there until I felt I could move again. It's been a terrible day.
There may be a possibility that we can get a flat fairly near the hospital in an area that's quite nice so if that happens it will help, even just as a temporary move. Will hopefully know more about that in the next couple of weeks. But the reactions of people who know us - several haven't stopped talking for long enough for me to speak, someone else responded today by saying "oh shit" by text and nothing more and when I told my sister she said "oh my God" and then started talking about her dog. I don't expect anyone to leap in and magically find a cure but I really, really needed to hear someone respond to it and take it - and my fear - seriously and just acknowledge the potential severity of the situation. I'm absolutely terrified.
Anyway - I'm in bed. I've not been sleeping so no doubt will be awake again in the small hours. I'm just hoping my brain will have leveled out a bit in the morning because I'm really not functioning well at all at the minute.
Thank you for letting me waffle on, I do appreciate it.
Hopalong:
Oh, ((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))).
I am so sorry.
I really do understand how others' self-absorption or inability to express caring in a way that really reaches your heart, and comforts...can be devastating.
When you're already feeling so alone, frightened for your boy, and under great great stress.
Here, dear. Tea, a hug, and a tissue. It's okay to fall down for a while and no, you don't have to lose your mind to all this. You are so much stronger than you know.
I am so hoping the flat-near-hosp-in-nice-area works out. Another thing to consider--in most hospitals I'm familiar with (worked in one for a time), there are all sorts of support groups. People with ill children are so hugely in need of others who understand, who've felt the pain and fear of that vulnerability.
Just sitting in a circle with others who Know This Fear--could make such an enormous difference for you. Ask a social worker at the hospital...please do. And follow through.
You deserve support. Period.
And if it can't come from your acquaintances, your long-term social circle, it's going to come from people you've never laid eyes on before--some of whom will absolutely amaze you with their understanding and compassion.
Consider this...though the power and meaning of 3-D connection is more important, and always will be...you've never laid eyes on any of us.
And you know we love you.
(I'd suggest tossing those herbal things, you never know what's really IN them unless they're stringently regulated and not imported from god-knows-what growers in Asia. "Made" in a country doesn't mean GROWN there, alas. I hope you find that crying, as much as you need to, talking with some nonjudgmental person who GETS what's needed--even a pastor if you believe, or a community person who works with folks who face the kinds of challenges you walk through--I hope you find that knitting together all of those things, and not depending on a fantasy of coping alone...will help you through.)
Comfort and just hang in. Meditate if you can, Tupp. Even 15 minutes twice a day. It'll help you remember your connection to something big and beautiful that noone can take away.
The small stuff doesn't matter. In the big picture of life, there is ALWAYS room for you just as you are. And your boy.
love to you,
Hops
Hopalong:
Tupp, Tupp Tupp...
Screw advice. I'm just thinking about you a lot,
cuppas on a tray -- bringing you a nice warm cloth for your worn-out eyes.
Little back-pats between your shoulders, maybe I'll go get a posey.
Scent of flowers. Some peaceful music that sings of big love and big beauty...
Hallo to your boy, see what I can fetch him... Soup?
My heart was wrung to read about your day, hope you know
people are passing the day with you, even unseen.
You are going to be okay.
One day, one step, one moment at a time.
Sometimes that's just all you can do and it's enough.
Hang in,
Hops
lighter:
(((((Tupp)))))
I'm sorry there's no 3 D support in your life. It's coming. Like Hops said.... the social workers can set you up with support groups, and there will be new people in your life after the move.
It's OK to fall down.... everyone does. Don't beat yourself up. Stay down as long as you need and can, and don't regret. Just rest, and restore yourself.
Maybe ask the doc for a low dose of lorazepam or something you can take a tiny corner of to feel level when the anxiety starts rolling over you.
You've made it this far bc you're brave, and capable, and resilient enough to keep getting back up after every setback, sabotage, and curve ball. You're a mom, and you're going to do what;s best for your cub.
You have us.... please remember that this community is a safe place to find understanding, support and feedback..... we're here for you, (((Tupp.)))
::Sending strength, courage and a big'ol cyber hug::
Lighter
lighter:
How are you doing this morning, Tupp?
Light
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