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What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on July 08, 2016, 08:22:06 AM ---Just reflecting on this topic some more... not sure it would really help anyone but me, to sort out the tangle in my head about it... but I'm studying the mechanics of how this works in myself...
the friend who told me it sounded like I needed validation - confirmation of my own wants, ideas, value, etc - is an "expert" in some things, admittedly hopeless in others. But he is one of those guys who either by luck, discipline or training are "usually right" when they make a pronouncement. And he is an amazing parent to his adopted children (who have backgrounds that would put them all inside our Amazon fire ring.
I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".
When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)
Then, I ran across an essay talking about the necessity of military leaders to be able to make a decision in a critical life/death situation - and recognizing that they were at a decision point in the first place. (Yeah, yeah Hops... I have no idea why I think in military terms, maybe a past life?? LOL.) There were some really useful ideas in there, that go directly to the issue of "trusting one's self", having confidence in your own judgement, and how one makes decisions. Let's face it - we've all had our expressions of those aspects of our healthy selves squashed, stepped on, and even humiliated and that's a psyche/heart wound that needs a specific remedy to heal.
One thing the author talks about is "chasing the unicorn" -- delaying making a decision, until you've exhausted all possible sources of research and information. In battle, leaders simply can't do that -- even if their decisions (and the lives of the people they're leading) DO rely on having timely, accurate information. This is where we often turn to people called "experts" for their take on a situation, too; instead of simply listening for that small voice that is our wise-self. It's got to be linked to perfectionism, fear of making mistakes, ultimately fear of becoming that old toxic target of invalidation and abuse... which lives on in our psyches as the "inner critic", and that voice that heaps recriminations, blame & shame, and humiliation on ourselves.
Maybe the fears are lizard brain level and take precedence over the higher processing centers, demanding for guarantees that a clear picture of the future result of the decision is "safe" and will be successful? And that keeps us churning through the ifs, the if-thens, and unknown unknowns... stuck. Maybe. Dunno.
I wonder (today, anyway) how many hours and days of my life I've spent in trying to accumulate ENOUGH, GOOD ENOUGH information to make a decision? Instead of simply ASKING myself - what do you want to do? - and then waiting for that answer to swim up to consciousness. How many times have I asked my friends - and people whose opinion I respect (read: experts) - to critique the decisions I'm trying to make and giving me their "Good Housekeeping Stamp of Approval" for it, before I can even think about getting my butt in gear on it?
And what effect (if any), what message am I sending to that original psyche/heart wound that said what I think, feel, and want is foolish or of no consequence when I go seeking that stamp of approval?
I'm giving that a real good hard look these days. It was a function in my life that Mike filled -- he and I would run through all those thoughts, ifs, etc -- and identifying the worst that could happen and also the potential benefits -- and when/where decisions could adapted, edited, changed or even negated if things didn't turn out as we'd hoped. And unlike my toxic relationships... Mike always threw the final decision to me, saying he was just along for the ride - LOL. It is also one of the things I feel the loss of, the most, too.
He could do all that, and then immediately throw me into a spontaneous activity just long enough... just to break the obsessive trance I get into over this crap, too. So, I am in the process of trying to learn to do that for/to myself.
--- End quote ---
I can really relate to a lot of that, Skep, particularly with regard to needing to be validated, needing permission to go ahead and do something. With me I think two other things come into play as well, needing to be good but not too good (mustn't be better than others and make them feel insecure, inferior, less than me) and I think as well I have a sense of avoiding taking responsibility for my own decisions. If so and so said that's what I should do and it goes wrong then it's partly so and so's fault. Equally if it goes well than I can credit it to them, rather than myself, avoiding being 'too good'.
I am getting better at thinking about what I want to do rather than waiting for permission. I think my son has really helped me in that regard; I've had a lot of flack over the years about decisions I've made regarding him but as he's getting older I can see they were the right decisions, and they were often made against the advice of professionals (who I lost trust in early on) and I can see now that I was right to do the things that I did. And that was mostly instinct and just being 'mum' and, I suppose, just wanting what was best for him. It sounds like Mike helped you in a similar way? x
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on July 08, 2016, 04:45:36 PM ---Wow, there is alot of stuff that triggers issues for me here too! I usually talk more about experiences than Book recommendations, but here is a list that might be helpful.
--- Quote ---I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".
When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)
--- End quote ---
For this problem, try Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul PHD.
https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010299&sr=8-1&keywords=inner+bonding
--- Quote ---I have frequently and repeatedly read yet another book about asking the Universe for what you want and it being delivered in your lap, and have read story after story of people achieving great successes and huge wealth because they practised this regularly. But I never really seemed to get the hang of it and I often seemed to attract bad luck rather than good, even when trying really hard to be upbeat and positive.
I've also struggled to understand how bad things happen when you're not thinking about them or even aware they are possible (as the Law of Attraction theory is that you pull every experience to you with your thoughts and vibrations). Why is it babies are neglected and starved, or children bombed, young girls married off to old men, so many awful things that you hear about. They wouldn't be aware enough to think about that, so I've never really understood. Equally things that have happened to me - a social worker fabricating a case against me, for example - I'd never have dreamed that sort of thing went on so I've never really been able to understand how I drew that experience to me.
--- End quote ---
Check out what Esther Hicks says about "contrast" and "desire's remorse" at their website, it might answer the questions for you.
http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/fulltextsearch.php
Also, check out Living with Joy - they have a chapter about how when things start working well, somethings will not work well, and it has to do with people having to evolve from old self to new self to get to the next level. Not sure exactly which chapter or pages, but check it out.
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Joy-Personal-Spiritual-Transformation/dp/1932073515/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010501&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+joy
About nasty thought towards myself or others, I dont have an answer or suggestion for that one just yet, but working on it myself.
Peace to all here at the board - so much turmoil in our country these days, its imperative that we are here for each other with help, support and kindness.
--- End quote ---
Thank you for the reading recommendations, Ales, have bookmarked to look up later on, always good to have other perspectives and new things to ponder :) x
Ales2:
:D Thanks, I hope it is helpful to you. Post your thoughts or questions later.
I have had trouble with LOA myself, one thing that took me awhile for me to understand is that positive thinking does make not negativity go away or that we attract less, it just gives us a more resilient and focused mind to deal with it.
For me, what has been difficult, is that some Negative people (capital N as in Narcissist! lol!) are not rational and not inclined to be positive towards you no matter what your attitude or work ethic or acceptance or cooperation with them. They seek to be superior, resist cooperation and destroy at will, for pleasure (ok, maybe those are the psychopaths). Point is, LOA assumes all people are essentially good, while not acknowledging that people can be ill-intentioned from the beginning, without us "attracting" it. Second problem with LOA is the faulty idea that when we "get healed" all these people go away or we stop "attracting them" - they don't go away, we just have the ability to deal with them, spot them, avoid them etc.
Good luck to all on the board.
In a week of tragedy, on all sides this week, seems silly to complain about Narcissists, but irony is that the very people who disturb the peace, kill others and can't cooperate with others are probably the same people who commit these crimes.
All the best in love, prosperity, peace, good health and safety to all on the board!
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on July 10, 2016, 02:24:45 PM --- :D Thanks, I hope it is helpful to you. Post your thoughts or questions later.
I have had trouble with LOA myself, one thing that took me awhile for me to understand is that positive thinking does make not negativity go away or that we attract less, it just gives us a more resilient and focused mind to deal with it.
For me, what has been difficult, is that some Negative people (capital N as in Narcissist! lol!) are not rational and not inclined to be positive towards you no matter what your attitude or work ethic or acceptance or cooperation with them. They seek to be superior, resist cooperation and destroy at will, for pleasure (ok, maybe those are the psychopaths). Point is, LOA assumes all people are essentially good, while not acknowledging that people can be ill-intentioned from the beginning, without us "attracting" it. Second problem with LOA is the faulty idea that when we "get healed" all these people go away or we stop "attracting them" - they don't go away, we just have the ability to deal with them, spot them, avoid them etc.
Good luck to all on the board.
In a week of tragedy, on all sides this week, seems silly to complain about Narcissists, but irony is that the very people who disturb the peace, kill others and can't cooperate with others are probably the same people who commit these crimes.
All the best in love, prosperity, peace, good health and safety to all on the board!
--- End quote ---
Yes Ales I do understand what you are saying here. I suppose we all need a belief system of some kind and something to hang our hat on when we're trying to deal with problems. And personally I'm the sort of person that feels better doing something about a problem, even if it is only trying to change the way I think about it, it makes me feel more in control (my need to control coming through again!). I think it's all about balance and perhaps having a range of tools that you can use as necessary, without having to subscribe completely to one thing and thinking it will cure all. I do find positive thinking helps but as you say, sometimes the people you are dealing with just don't play by the same rules as everyone else and I think years of abuse, whichever form it takes, changes the wiring in your brain (or makes it form in a different way in the first place) and I've found that very hard to cope with as my baseline of 'normal' was very different to most people's for a very long time.
Will check out the books, thanks again x
Meh:
Friend told me to take my ten year old camera out with me. I did. Can't say the pics are national geographic worthy but I have enjoyed sharing them with others who are not able to see this area themselves. Sort of like playing tourist in my own town.
How are the poetry, photography, writing forums going?
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