Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on July 24, 2016, 12:36:11 PM ---Tupp:
Meeting someone will likely happen when you least expect it in a way that you couldn't see coming, IME.
If you embrace your passions, maybe join some groups who DO things you love to do..... who knows? Maybe your chances of increasing the odds for making like minded friends will surprise you.... in a good way; )
It might feel good to research the groups and activities in the area you plan to move to...... just to get a feel for possibilities, and what's available?
It's always good to read that your son is doing so well: )
Light
--- End quote ---
Yes I think you're right, Lighter, I'm really not even seeing profiles online that make me think someone might be good to get to know, I do think meeting people in 'real world' situations would be good for me, not just romantically but from a friendship point of view as well (or even just having some good company for a couple of hours, it doesn't even need to be more than that). I do feel a change of direction is needed. Slowly swinging into action!
I did realise today that I need to start reaching out a bit to people that I would like to get to know better instead of sitting and waiting to be picked, which is what I usually do. I think it's a combination of perhaps not feeling good enough (as in, they won't want to know me); not having to risk being rejected and perhaps just not being used to going after what I want but feeling I ought to sit and wait for someone else to decide what I ought to do. So that's my next mission to try and push myself out of my comfort zone a bit.
Felt a bit out of sorts over the weekend so ended up having a big de-clutter/re-organise/clean the house session. Still a bit higgledy piggledy but slowly getting there and I have re-arranged things so that things of one type are all in the same place instead of being scattered through various rooms. Also realised that for the first time for a very long time the level of care my son needs has reduced, as have the demands on my time with legal things, false allegations, complaints and so on. I do feel that the last ten years or so has really just been about coping, I've not really felt there's been time to do anything else. But I've just about got to the point now where I feel we can do school/son related stuff in the morning, I can do work/boring but necessary stuff in the afternoon and then we can have the evenings free to do whatever we fancy. It's been a very long time since there's been a possibility of doing anything other than just grafting and getting through another day so it feels really nice.
With that in mind, and as part of my 'blitz the house' mission, I've pulled all my craft and unfinished project stuff together so that I can sit down in the evenings and do something creative/relaxing which will also make a nice change :)
Twoapenny:
Second session this evening and it was really hard. I couldn't latch on to any memories; she was asking me to go back and see myself as a little girl and to take in all the detail and I realised, after a lot of trying, that I have absolutely no idea what I looked like as a child. There's just nothing there.
We tried going back to the memory that worked so well last week but I kept losing it and just couldn't keep it all in my mind. The session was long and frustrating. Driving home I had the most intense flashback of being raped; literally just a split second but for a moment it was so real again. And for some reason something smacked me right in the face : I'm living across the road from them. What the F am I doing? I suddenly can't believe I even contemplated moving here in the first place. I feel like someone has suddenly pulled me out of four decades of fog and fuzzy thinking.
Feel exhausted, shocked, angry and sad at the same time. Fortunately had prepared a nice meal before I went out so that is in the oven; I have a film to watch, my pyjamas are on, my son is upstairs and will be going to bed soon and I suddenly feel like I am seeing clearly for the first time in my life.
lighter:
::Patting Tupp's hand over tea::
I'm so sorry this is painful. It means you're doing HUGE work though, and getting the heck of the FOG has got to be better than being mired in it, IMO.
You're comforting yourself, and that's a relief to read. Sometimes dawning our PJs, and tucking into comfort food with a movie is a moral imperative, IME. Honestly.
::nodding::
It is.
I didn't know what exactly happened to you in regard to your SF, Tupp. I guess you didn't want to know either.
That rat bastard....
he's a sick twisted pervert, and it wasn't your fault.... the police shouldn't put statues of limitations on murder or child sexual abuse.
It's wrong to silence your ability to get justice.
::shaking head::
The truth is if I had to choose between healing or justice maybe I'd choose healing... for you or for myself. I just want you to get him out of your heart, your head, your skin and your PRESENT moments so you can get on with your life.
I want the work you're doing with this T to lead to more joy, more opportunities, more exploration of things you feel passionately about.
More freedom.
This is progress.
I guess we have to identify the muck we're stuck in so we can crawl ourselves out of the darned stuff, huh.
::sitting next to Tupp watching movie::
I'm so sorry my friend, (((Tupp))).
You deserved to be safe, and loved, not preyed on and harmed.
Lighter
Hopalong:
(((((((((Tupp))))))))))))
Imo, what you are doing is magnificent.
Magnificent.
love,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---I did realise today that I need to start reaching out a bit to people that I would like to get to know better instead of sitting and waiting to be picked, which is what I usually do. I think it's a combination of perhaps not feeling good enough (as in, they won't want to know me); not having to risk being rejected and perhaps just not being used to going after what I want but feeling I ought to sit and wait for someone else to decide what I ought to do. So that's my next mission to try and push myself out of my comfort zone a bit.
--- End quote ---
uh.... are you my long-lost twin sister? LOL. I can so relate to this; it could be describing me. I'm years into trying to figure this out now and frankly the effort just seems a little much these days, for very little reward.
As for the re-living experience... yes; sometimes that happens. Actual time-duration may be quite short but for material to work with - treasure - to get past it and start changing old reflexes... there is a LOT there. Be patient with "blank" times during sessions. There is a reason we've nailed the doors to those rooms shut, boarded them up, hung garlic in front of them and then duct-taped the whole thing before shoving that wardrobe in front of it. For me, it was easier to slip through the cracks - and slide into the memories - alone, than it was in session. I am that private despite all the blathering I do. As time wore on and I was able to describe those things in session, I did start to trust enough where I could go into those memory-spaces with my T.
Sounds like you're doing great work here... and in my experience, there are plenty of men of that description to be found in the outdoors - guiding hikes and raft/canoe trips... wildflower excursions... birdwatching... herb collecting... one must study the creatures in their natural environment and learn their habits (in my best Attenborough voice) while not startling them into fleeing.
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