Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
Thank you all so much. I cannot tell you what it means to have this amazing place to come to, in good times and bad! I treasure your advice, support and friendship and I can't put into words how much it helps. Thank you to Dr G for making this possible, too.
I'm fine. Had a bit of a rocky couple of days but I took it easy and I'm fine. We went into town yesterday to our favourite cafe for breakfast, then walked past the shops in the sunshine and went to our favourite secondhand book shop (I love second hand books!). It never fails to make me smile because as you walk in the door there is a life size mannequin of Riff Raff (from the Rocky Horror Show) and as the door opens he says "Hello! And may I say, you look fabulous this evening"; it just makes me laugh every time. There are literally thousands of books, it snakes along tiny corridors through this higgledy piggeldy building with shelves running floor to ceiling and then books in piles in boxes and on the floor, too. It's family run and they always know exactly what they've got; anything you ask they know where to look for it and whether or not they've got it. There's a tiny little children's section that's crammed with any kind of book you can think of and as we got there we found two mums and a dad, each with a little one scooched on their lap reading story books. It was so lovely to see.
Anyway, back to the unpleasant stuff! I just want to write it down while it's fresh in my mind. Please feel free to skip past this as it might be triggering for some - sorry.
I've always felt that I've been raped but never had any actual memory of it (nothing visual). A few years back I went through several months of physical flashbacks - feeling of being pinned down, smothered, sharp, stabbing pains in my genitals, being terrified I was going to die. That went on for several months - didn't seem to have been triggered by anything in particular and seemed to stop of its own accord as well. But never anything in my mind. There are more minor things that I remember clearly and sort of fuzzy fragments - I can see him in the doorway of my bedroom, hear his footsteps on the landing and smell him so vividly, but then my bedroom itself is in a sort of fog and I get a vague feeling of terror and then everything goes again.
In a funny way I feel a sense of relief. If I really was raped then an awful lot of other things suddenly make more sense. I'm not sure I can put that into words properly at the moment, as it still feels quite jumbled up, but I feel a sense of relief that I've 'seen' something rather than feeling scared of it. I'm not sure why, understanding will come at some point, I expect. For some reason I've always felt that if I was raped that I was meek and compliant in it, but this flashback was very violent, not at all what I assumed had happened. I was also younger than I thought - again, I'd always assumed I was sixteen, for some reason, but in this I was 13. I can't explain how I know that as it was such a quick picture and then it was gone again but it suddenly felt like pieces in a puzzle jumped into the right places and things started to make sense.
I couldn't see what I looked like at all as a child during that last session but I can see my ten year old self quite clearly now, for some reason. I have got some pictures of myself at around fifteen that I usually avoid looking at but I think over the weekend I will find some quiet time to take them out and perhaps use them almost like a project to write something about. That feels a bit safer. I spoke to my younger sister; I didn't tell her what's going on but instead said I'd been showing my son pictures of him when he was younger to show him how much he's changed and that I'd like to show him pictures of us as kids and she has got some so we'll look at those next time we get together and that might help a bit. I just feel I'd like a sense of seeing that poor little girl. I feel like I want to scoop her up in my arms and nuzzle her down in my shoulder and kick the living bejesus out of anyone that comes near her with anything other than love in their heart.
On a more practical note I have contacted several people that I would like to see over the summer in order to arrange getting together (being proactive). My birthday is coming up so I'm going to arrange a nice day out with my son. I'm working out most days, eating reasonably well and my son is going through a really good spell at the moment so all of these things are good.
Lighter, just to say I totally agree with what you said about justice versus healing. For some reason I've never wanted either of them punished or to avenge myself (except in moments of anger) but I just wanted to get on with my life and be happy. I do feel that I am getting there all the time.
Thank you again so much everybody for all of your kind words and thoughts. It really means so much to me and gives me hope and comfort. I am very blessed to have such special friends :) x
lighter:
I think littleTupp will begin feeling heard, safe and protected as your journey unfolds. Please keep sending updates..... reading about your self care rituals feels very light and hopeful to me.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on July 30, 2016, 11:19:15 PM ---I think littleTupp will begin feeling heard, safe and protected as your journey unfolds. Please keep sending updates..... reading about your self care rituals feels very light and hopeful to me.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thank you, Lighter :) I think the self care shows that you are moving forward, don't you think? There was a long period of time where I would damage myself to distract from what was going on instead of looking after myself so I think it sort of ties in with learning to mother yourself and feeling you deserve to be looked after? I do find it easier now than I used to; I have overdosed on the biscuits, I must admit, but I've eaten proper meals as well, got some some sunshine, worked out each morning and stocked up on fruit so it wasn't too bad a binge! :)
lighter:
I do think consistent self care rituals speaks to your belief about being worthy or not, Tupp.
I also think that practice is necessary to get new coping strategies in place... and it doesn't happen over night. It goes in spits and spats, and it's difficult to resist old more destructive habits when those were our GO TO habits for so many years.
We begin very well, then BAM! Stress hits, and the new patterns can go right out the window very easily, until we've done that often enough we recognize it, and resist or make better choices. We do that until the new habits feel more comfortable, and at some point, if we're lucky, they become habit and what becomes habit becomes pleasure, IME.
It's a process, and requires diligence as well...... sometimes we get comfortable, and it FEELS like we can handle anything, but that's not entirely true, IME.
There are phases and patterns to these things, but having a schedule that feels right is a good thing. KNOWING you'll work out at X time every X days, and keeping that can provide a general framework for everything in your life.... doing laundry, cooking, meal planning and shopping for same.
Sometimes when we drop the workout schedule, or any new habit we're working on, we might notice that everything goes a bit whonkey, and it;'s interesting for me to note that I'm not always going to feel OK, or great about keeping that new habit in place without fail. Sometimes keeping on a schedule means I have to drop into bed without performing other very comfortable rituals, but I remind myself that that's just every once in a while, and I should keep that NEW habit I'm trying to perform, even if it's at the expense of some self care rituals I have down pat, kwim?
I'm either ON or I'm going to fail, I find. Same with very healthy eating habits. I'm either ON or I'm not, and knowing that means I KNOW I have to do certain things faithfully, or just not begin till I'm committed in order to avoid negative patterns, or feeling badly about.
If it comes down to me making deals with myself, say... about gluten, then I'm not in the proper head space to make a change, IME.
At this point I do a little dairy, and maybe a bit of sugar every once in a while but I'm ZERO gluten without fail or having to think about it.
I can live that way right now, and maybe I'll go strictly ZERO dairy and sugar (reading every label and being impeccable with choices) but right now I'm under a lot of stress, and I know I'll just make myself feel bad if I try to do more than I can manage, then FAIL.
We pick our battles, lay out future goals, and set goals we can attain in this moment in order to stay facing forward, IME.
We forgive ourselves when we regress, and we're gentle and kind when we find ourselves facing the wrong direction. We do this bc being kind and gently talking ourselves in the other direction will get us where we need to be more quickly, IME, and keep us heading in that direction, IME.
The old unkind voices in our heads are the ones that turn us facing backwards, and it takes a while to identify them, figure out what and who they are, and you're doing that right now.
You're doing work on several levels which is difficult at best..... I have to put lists up in my bathroom and have them as touchstones and reminders as I begin and go through my days. They help bring me back to the path I want to be on. They help get me off old familiar paths I don't want to be on anymore.
Hops would say it's shifting into observer mode, and she's right. It IS that.... and it's also learning how to shift without self recrimination or blame or feeling we've failed. Again.
We shift, forgive and begin again until we've formed new habits, pathways in our brains, and new supporting framework around them on many levels, IME.
Sometimes the NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO or REPLACE THE OLD WITH is part of the problem, but there;s the I'M NOT WORTHY piece and the I FEEL I SHOULD BE DOING THIS OTHER OLD PATTERN THING or DOING DOING DOING the old things that took me out of discomfort short term but now are creating problems for me in and of themselves.....
all need to be identified, addressed, hashed out and built upon or replaced entirely.
I heard a T say last week.... "All you need to do is change everything." He was joking about addicts making changes, but he was also very serious about how it feels and what IT IS to change negative coping strategies for anyone.
Also, about every member of a family being involved in any pattern....
"Everyone is guilty, and it's no one's fault."
I liked that one, though I'm still tossing it around in my head.
((((Tupp)))))
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Yes, habits are interesting, aren't they, and I definitely find my 'go to' now is sugar. Getting back on top of things again, it was only for a few days but it does give me that same numb buzz that booze used to (not as strongly, obviously, but it just dampens things down a bit).
I've focused on two lists; things I need to do and things I want to do. That's kept me on the straight and narrow a bit; I've done what's necessary day to day and then feel okay about doing something just because I fancy it. I do feel pretty wrung out and nervy at the moment. My son had a really bad day at the weekend and was fitting for twelve hours straight. I had to call the paramedics, who were amazing, but there wasn't a need for him to go to hospital as he was responsive which was good. Situations like that really highlight how alone I am; as I was dealing with that situation I'm also running through in my head what I need to do if we have to go to hospital, getting someone to feed the cat, pick us up later (or get a taxi), take some food, drink and clothes with us, etc. It highlights how much I have to do by myself and that makes me feel very isolated. He's okay now, though. It was interesting because I have realised that there have been several times when I've been working on myself and his health takes a real nose-dive, which is often the reason I abandon what I'm doing. Funny coincidence.
Have got counselling tonight and I'm interested to see how it goes; I have got a better feeling than I did last week so I'm hoping I can 'see' a bit more than I was able to before. I have a feeling I'm going to sleep very well afterwards for some reason!
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