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worst wounds from narcissists

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sunblue:
I would also add "lack of self-confidence" and "lack of a real identity".  I know that personally, being totally ignored, dismissed and marginalized by my N family has resulted in me having no self-confidence which has significantly impacted my professional life.

Hopalong:
As I head pell-mell into my dotage, the most striking thing to me about the massive impact of Ns in major roles in my life (mother, brother, Nboss, and it pains me to say, likely daughter)--is that the biggest damage has been how my reactions to them ultimately changed who I am.

The work of the next couple decades for me is going to be discovering joy in my inner self. Neglected joys, stalled creativity.

BUT. My emphasis for meaning is not going to be the neglect. Or the forces that stalled me.

It's going to be on the joys. And the creativity.

One thing I believe wholeheartedly is that it never goes away. It's in there. And what you love and bring into the light -- is what grows.

I want that side to win, and I'm beginning to understand that this really is my choice.

Ns can leave me hurt or even penniless. But they do not possess my inner spirit unless I hand it over.
(And if I ever did hand it over--I can take it back. No fanfare. Just claiming.)

Hops

Ales2:
SunBlue - Interesting note about self-confidence. Big hugs and kudos to people who can develop self confidence when they are being battered by N people. 

Hops - Reactions/responses changing who we are is a very good one. I find it hard to say in the same sentence "I'm no contact, but I believe in loyalty and working things out".  Those are two oppositional ideas.  Kind of like saying you believe in marriage when you've been divorced three times. It also means you believe in divorce to some extent. To be really accurate you believe in serial marriage, not marriage is forever. I believe in loyalty and working it out, unless you are dealing with a toxic person (could be Nism, drugs, alcholosim, abuse, sexist boss) then DONE. I think deep down we dont want to be quitters or exclude people, but that is often a necessary reality of life.

Focusing on Joy, creativity is a very good observation. Ive also heard/been advised, that as I move on, it will create an upsweep, where people around me will feel different about me as I feel different about me. If that makes sense. I think that is what you are doing/saying here. I am with you 100% in living the joyous life.

Ales2:
One other little note. I had a dream last night, where the former N business associate was speaking at a Hotel nearby. I went there and went to the guarded door, trying to get in. Somehow he knew I was there and he came to tell me "I know you have been following me for years. Our business is done."

I woke up with kind of an odd relief. It is true, I "followed" his social media posts but in recent weeks, have entirely lost interest. Things that used to bother me about him have gone away and I don't feel them anymore.

Hopalong:
I believe in loyalty and working things out, but I'm thankful I've learned what kinds of people are unsafe to be loyal to.

I believe in marriage, but I'm thankful divorce is possible for when a marriage shouldn't continue.

(I mean, if you were a wife of Henry VIII...)

More than I believe in abstract values about which to punish myself for falling short...I believe in compassion. And that includes for me.

Hops

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