Tools support group

[Ales2]

Ok, so I found a new support group (10 people max), a 4 week session weds nites from 7-8:15 or so. Its based on the teachings of the 2012 book- The Tools by Phil Stutz, MD and Barry Michels JD, LCSW both of whom I have met at a small group lecture.  $100 for 4 weekly sessions, very reasonable.

Group deals with understanding each tool and applying it to daily life.  Its a productivity/creativity/confidence/courage type group although we also deal with Inner Authority or the shadow, so it has a little bit of the psychology that holds us back without being heavy analysis of childhood issues (I can't go through that again- I need a moving forward type group).The facilitator is also a published author herself and has a long TV resume, which seems like a very good combination for my needs, i.e she understands the business I deal with.

I will let you know how this goes.

Here is the link to the book we work from:
http://www.thetoolsbook.com/

[Hopalong]

Very intriguing, Ales!
I hope it will be very useful for you.

Here's an article on this therapy -- fascinating.
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2011/03/21/hollywood-shadows

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

That sounds great, Ales, let us know if you find it helpful if you get the chance to?  I understand what you mean about not wanting any more childhood analysis; I think you get to a point where you want the past to be the past and not to keep tripping over it.  The group sounds good, would be very interested in knowing how you find it

[Ales2]

Well, the first session was disappointing. 

The facilitator knew my intention/goal of joining the group was to deal with the long dry spell in my TV work.  When I got there and we went through that issue, her response was the Tools won't help with that and had I considered other options and was I open to other things. Luckily, I responded positively and remained upbeat, despite the negativity of her comments. She then went around and gave positive encouragement to others. I noticed and that made me question why I attract that.

This morning, I woke up with an understanding of why I got negativity and they got encouragement. I was doing the work to find work, I'm motivated and pro-active, the others were in a passive state, not proactive at all.  There was no way to for her to encourage me or resolve my issue, but she could encourage them to take action which she did. My takeaway was that active critics probably can't be encouraged (they will always be critics - which is me totally) but the passive/inactive can be encouraged to be active through the tool called reversal of desire. We were all given an assignment to find what we could do this week.

One thing I noticed was that my smallness and ambivalence, which I talked about in other posts went away. Trust me when I say I don't choose to be small, I choose to be bigger but that is not always what works out. Im also not ambivalent as I discovered last night, I am actually very determined and ambitious, even if at my worst I'm cynical, critical and lazy.

As I left, one of the other participants came up to me and we talked.  She is a TV writer and understands my predicament. Anyway, it was nice to meet someone new.

I plan to stick out the 4 sessions.  After what I just wrote, I feel like the group can be a gauge that I can figure things out for myself.   

[Hopalong]

Really glad you're going to stick it through, Ales.

As the possessor of a VERY fine-tuned critical instinct, let me mention something--bear in mind that even if you are or MIGHT BE "right" in the way you assess experiences or people...reflex criticism is (although often intelligent skepticism) also a defense mechanism. At least mine is. Sometimes I'm grateful for it, and sometimes I (belatedly) recognize that it added to my isolation because of the critical spirit I was hauling into every new setting.

Could you experiment with trust, within safe levels? Like trust in a process experience without so much judgement or evaluation of everybody else, including the facilitator?

I wonder if when you do trust someone, whether (like so many of us children of Ns) you experience your own boundaries and sense of self dissolving. If that's so, you can push back against that with rational self-talk. Remember that you are not pathetic, you are not a child, you are not looking for a guru to save you, and you're OPEN to learning some new ways.

That's my (unsolicited) advice, anyway. An open mind doesn't have to be a defenseless mind.

I believe in you!

Hugs
Hops

[Ales2]

Considering how bad the last therapist was, I cant help but question things as I go. I got rid of a lot of people I once trusted for advice as much because I realized my life was limited not only by what I do, but what advice I accept from "trusted confidantes".

So, yes, I agree I could be wrong with my assessments but if its going to cost me more money to find out, I will quit while I am ahead.

[Ales2]

Over the last two days, Ive grown increasingly angry at the group suggestions so Ive decided its best I leave the group.

Thanks for all the support.

[Twoapenny]

What a shame about the group, Ales, it sounded so promising!  At least it made you realise that you are determined and ambitious.  It's frustrating when you try things and they don't work out.  I've had a couple of therapists that I only saw for a couple of sessions; it just wasn't the right approach and I didn't feel it was helpful but it's disappointing when it happens.  At least it's something else to cross off the list because you've tried it and you know it's not for you.  Still a bit of a pain though

[Ales2]

Well, not so fast. Ive been asked to just sit through 3 more sessions before making up my mind. If it doesnt "gel" (whatever that means) by week 4 then I'm done.
Ok, so we shall see.

[Ales2]

Ok. I made it through a second session. Still a little tough. Facilitator seems to focus alot on what else I will do when confronted with all the Nos I am getting. I get stuck on that answer and not really sure how to answer it other than I move on to another call or email. Im not sure what else she means by her question.

Im a little frustrated but feel there is some growth to be had there.

[Twoapenny]

Well done to you for giving it another go, Ales, as it does sound very frustrating, although a part of me is hoping some big lightbulb or breakthrough moment will occur (I've no idea what, though!).  Do keep posting about it if you can, I'm very interested in hearing how this goes for you (and hoping something good comes out of it for you!).

[Hopalong]

Me, too.

RESPECT for your choice to override the escape impulse.

May it bring you a gift you need!

love
Hops

[Ales2]

Thanks for both your comments!

[sKePTiKal]

Mind if I butt in? 

The move has obviously dominated my every waking moment for days on end now, and I'm feeling I need to touch base with my inner self for a bit. The concept of having a well-stocked "toolbox" to deal with any challenge - creative, interpersonal, relationship, etc - works well for me. But I trip over terminology/definitions a lot.

Is the "inner authority" what another older creative block system called the "inner critic"? Lord help me, I can't remember her name off the top of my head, but it was a pretty well-known process 20 years ago. She even had an online support group. I have creative goals and desires from this move; they were buried under the sheer amount of stuff, details, and challenges of physically moving it all.

Trust, all by itself, is a pretty big issue no matter how it's connected to what you're trying to work on. I was glad Hops brought that up - along with the issues connected to boundaries/feelings of self too. I would add in, resistance, as well... which for me is strongly connected to fear. Not just of failure, but success, too.

As for this group and whether it will be "worth it" to give your time to it - it sounds like it's one of those things you can't really decide until you get to the end of the group. Perhaps you only get the one insight or tool to add to your toolbox or to work on further. But I wouldn't reject it until you have more information/experience with it. The funny thing about "rejection" I've noticed about myself is that a lot of what I feel is "rejection" or people just not "getting me" is...

really ME, jumping to conclusions and a quick judgement about other people before I even give them a chance. And I think PART of that, is I'm finally allowing myself to dislike some things - to choose and discern what it is I want to participate in; and the kinds of people I want around me, in my closer in circles.

We CAN gather our own "custom, collected toolbox" from more than one source too. I think that helps build resiliency; the abiility to take a failure in stride and bounce back to try again.

I'll shut up now. That's just some observations I've picked up different places trying to do something similar to what you want to do, Ales. When you get a chance, I'd like to hear more about your experience and the insights you're getting from it, if any.

[Ales2]

Tools Group session #3 went OK.

I was the first one there, everyone else was late and several no-showed, so we had a small group of 3 plus facilitator. 

I came in a little prepared for her question about the job search struggles. I just highlighted what I was doing and some new connections I made that might lead somewhere.   She mentioned that felt an energy shift from me, I don't feel it, I just felt better prepared for the questioning. I couldnt stand the discomfort of confrontation in the previous two sessions. Nothing in terms of me getting a job has changed. Positivity without results is just denial.

When we talked about upcoming holidays, she was asking about how I feel about my mother turning 80 this year. That was my assignment. Simple. Everybody here knows my answer. I have no unfinished business with her. I'll be Ok with whatever happens. She doesn't listen or cooperate in anyway, and I've found that acceptance and indifference works very well.

In talking with some other people, relationships were another issue and we have one guy in group in his 50s who has had some long term relationships (one marriage with three kids) that were highly dramatic. It was hard listening to all of that. I avoid drama like the plague, and thats why relationships and work are hard for me. Too much conflict and I'm out. Some people thrive on it and are so much more successful than me.  This is something that really hurts me.

Anyway, no group next week. My last one, unless I decide to stay on will be two weeks away, Nov. 30th.