Why Am I So Sentimental?

[sunblue]

I am a sentimental person....I always have been.  My sentimental nature and desire for nostalgia and reminiscing becomes especially acute during holiday season which is right around the corner.  I tend to be a generous gift giver and the gifts always come from the heart and a place of great sentimentality even though I am the product of a narcissistic family (N mother, N sister and co-D father who is now past).  Needless to say, my N mom is the least sentimental person you'd ever want to meet.  My brother (who is essentially "low contact" with my mother and I) expresses not one single moment of sentimentality for his FOO (including me) but is greatly sentimental when it comes to his wife, daughter and wife's family.

It is especially hurtful to me during the holidays as I am very sentimental and nostalgic about the holidays (even more so since my dad passed) yet it is a completely one-sided situation (I only have my N mom and brother in my life).

I can understand why Ns are not sentimental given their utter lack of emotion and empathy.  I cannot accept why my brother won't demonstrate any sentimentality towards me.  He literally claims he can't remember any of the memories he and I shared during childhood.  His memory essentially begins at the time he started creating a life with his wife.  Obviously, even I understand this is something he is choosing to do as he simply has no feelings for me or our FOO.

But what I don't understand is why I was the only sibling of 3 raised in a narcissistic household who turned out to be so sensitive and sentimental.  My N sister is a mini-me of my Nmom and while she jumps through hoops to please my mom, she has no sentimental about the FOO. She had no qualms about taking no part in caring for my dad when he was ill or participating in the funeral arrangements.  She never once has visited his grave.  My brother, too, showed no concerns about walking away from my mom and I (and, in a sense, my dad before he passed).  Yet, he is nothing but sentimental about his wife and daughter and wife's family, often creating special traditions and memories with them, reviewing photos of them, etc.

Since we were all raised by the same N mother, why is it that I am still so sentimental and nostalgic?   There's no question that my childhood was not great.  I was totally ignored and had no voice but was expected to constantly just "go along" and "give in" to make my N mom and sister happy.  I was alone constantly and still am.  Yet, I continue to focus on making the holiday special and doing traditional things even when that sentimentality and thoughtfulness from my mother and brother are never reciprocated.

So I have to question myself and wonder, how is it my siblings can so easily walk away and be totally bereft of any sentimental or thought of their FOO while I am just the opposite?  Why do I own responsibility for creating special holidays for everyone, for maintaining the few holiday traditions we have left, of not doing anything that would upset either of them....when clearly they could care less about me?

How is it siblings of N parents can emerge from the FOO in completely different places?

I am struggling with this issue, particularly during this holiday season.  It is especially acute for me since both my mother (who cares only about my N sister and her partner) and my brother (who has a wife, daughter and an entire "adopted" family via his wife) have others to focus on during the holidays while I do not. 

I guess I"m wondering how it is that I could grow up in that same household and possess such sensitivity, sentimentality and nostalgia while my siblings so easily walked away from the FOO and possess none of that?

Does this ring a bell for anyone?  If so, how do you cope during the holidays when you are sentimental and no one else in your family is?  I know I'm kind of an anomaly since most other people in this situation have other people in their life and I do not...but still sentimentality travels with you throughout your life in all types of relationships.

When sentimentality is just part of who you are, how do you cope with family who are literally the polar opposite?

Thanks.

Sunblue

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Sun... I just heard on the radio yesterday there's a station playing Christmas music all day long now. Maybe that would set the mood for you to do & explore your feelings about this all at the same time? It's not too soon to get a few decorative touches up and in place or to start baking those things that will last a good long time.

I don't know enough about your family situation to make any comments... even though I see some glimpses in what your wrote in your question. But maybe there's a better wording than "sentimental" or "nostalgia"? Both of those imply feelings about experiences & people that are past. Things you long for, that you ONCE HAD.

In my case, there isn't a whole lot of "Christmas Past" that I would want to relive again. The holidays were always a special kind of hell, while PRETENDING otherwise. So, like your brother I sought out other families and what they did over the holidays... realizing that the Currier & Ives, Charles Dickens version depended on pre-existing conditions: ie, a family that already loved each other, respected their differences and allowed relationships to grow and change over time.

My definition of the holiday changed... and when that happened, so did my understanding of what I wanted from it... which allowed me to look for other ways to fulfill that (or at least try to). I kinda suspect that all Christmas symbolizes for people, is wrapped up in a lot of sublimated or subconscious desires; of what they REALLY want.

[Hopalong]

Hi Sun,
Everything Skep said, plus: I think it's probably more genetic than we know. A sentimental, intimacy-valuing gene just popped up in you, and is expressing its nature. As you are trying to.

There is no provable answer except that to wish/yearn/long/hope -- for something impossible -- at this time of year is more painful than at any other time.

Only thing I can think of is to resume the effort to build intimacy and deep friendships in 3-D and intentionally so. In small groups that meet regularly, that intend and value intimacy and depth, that nourish and teach caring.

In my experience, after some years of that, the world is not so cold and the failure of family not so fearful.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Sun you've just described pretty much my entire situation!  Not just that I'm more sensitive than the rest of them but also I seem to be the only one who deals with reality, everyone else just ignores whatever else is going on, including serious abuse during childhood.

I don't know why it comes that one person in a family seems to have got the entire family's share of sensitivity but I am starting to see it as a good thing now.  I found it very, very hard for a very long time because being sensitive is painful a lot of the time and that is hard to cope with.  But I have realised that I prefer being a sensitive, caring person to someone who can inflict hurt on others and not be affected by it, and I feel I would rather cope with pain (at times) and retain my sensitivity than become completely numb and immune to the feelings of others.  My entire family have left me alone at Christmas for many years, no invitation to visit them, one year I was so depressed I was suicidal, my son wasn't quite a year old and my mum still went away on holiday.  She did, however, cancel her Christmas holiday a couple of years later when the lady who looks after her dogs had to cancel due to illness and my mum didn't want to leave them in kennels 

I wrote to all of my relatives a few years ago and told them about the decade or so of sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager and they all told me I ought to forgive and forget (my mum's still married to him).  I've not seen any of my aunts and uncles for years; last year my mum had a big birthday party that they all attended, they were all five minutes away from my house all day and not one of them rang to come round for a cuppa.  When my sister left her husband I came up with a plan to give her a really good Christmas with her kids, her new partner's kids and to make sure she enjoyed herself.  When I called her to tell her I'd had an idea she told me she'd arranged Christmas already which included all of her kids and new partners but not myself or my son.  She came over one Christmas Eve to tell me all about the party they were having on Boxing Day - which we weren't invited to!  I could go on, it's a really long list

Over time it has just hurt less.  I can't really say why or how, unless perhaps it is just time, as cliched as that sounds?  I see Christmas as a bit of a non event now; I enjoy seeing my son enjoy himself, I get pressies for local collections for the elderly, homeless and kids in care, I buy some food for the Food Bank but other than a good meal and some choccies I just treat it like any other day now.  I think that's how I had to do it because I found thinking about other people enjoying family time was really painful, but that has faded over time.

So no practical advice, I'm afraid, it's a very painful time of year and it's so hard when you have a family that really don't get you at all.  But you're not alone, I think many on here are in similar situations (sadly!).  Hugs to you ((((((((((((((((Sunblue)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sunblue]

Thanks Skep, Hops and TwoPenny!!!

You all made some really great points.  Your comments reminded me that deep down, what this is really about for me is trying to re-create a family I never had and certainly don't have now.  The truth is holidays were superficial (like everything else) in my family and that from mid-childhood on, I was the one in the family who cared about traditions, celebrations and essentially expending all the effort to create a nice holiday.  But the reality is you can't make anyone in your family care when they simply do not.  I can't make my brother remember the good memories or want to have a relationship with his FOO.  Yes, I am very sentimental and nostalgic and I think, in part, that's because there is nothing in the "present" that is worth focusing on.

It is especially hard for me to accept I think because I see this sentimentality in my brother as it relates to his own family...so I know he is capable of it.  He just chooses not to indulge in it when it comes to me.  At the end of the day, the great disappointment I feel that I am the only person in my family who cares about the FOO is part of the bigger issue of just finally accepting that I have no family and letting go.  As we all know, that is very hard to do.

I do volunteer and contribute to charities during the holidays....but honestly, it's just not the same.  Giving to strangers is not the same as giving to people who are supposed to care about you.  And yes, I continue to indulge in all the holiday rituals.  I go all out decorating the house for the holidays, I bake, I listen to Christmas music....and I often visit my dad at the cemetery....as he was the only one who, like me, appreciated all of the holiday efforts.

TwoPenny, I too, just don't know why I got the sentimental gene.  Maybe it's because I needed family more....maybe it's because I never had anyone but the Narcissistic FOO in my life while other members of my family were able to have relationships with other people.....maybe it's because frankly I have a more open heart than they do.  The truth is that, now with my dad gone, I only have 3 FOO members left and two of them are extreme Narcissists.  My brother may not technically be a Narcissist but he has turned out to be controlling and cold, disrespectful of me and someone who has no no trouble walking away from his FOO. 

I do think, in the very long run, it's better to be sentimental than not.  It hurts a whole lot more when you have an N FOO to content with, but if you had a health family, I think being sentimental plays a role at the holidays. 

When you are sentimental and generous at heart, it's a hard thing to face that basically you have no one to "do" for.....especially at the holidays.  Times are really hard and this year, in particular, has been a really bad one for me....Perhaps that is why I am focusing on the holidays and hoping for something I can never have.  I'll get through it and will probably spend most of it alone (except for Christmas Eve which is what has become the obligatory celebration between my N mom, myself and my brother and his nuclear family). But it is devoid of any sentiment or joy (except the effort I put forth which is pretty much everything). 

Sometimes when I think I have a handle on understanding all the ramifications of Narcissism, it rears its ugly head again and never more so than at the holidays.

Thanks for listening and sharing.  I know I'm not the only one who experiences this.  Sometimes I wish I was as coldhearted as my N sister and brother who can walk away from it so easily.  For some reason, I'm just not built like that.  I so wish there was just a simple pill you could take to make all the N pain go away!  Wouldn't that be great?  LOL.....

Thanks again.  So appreciate your comments and support. Sunblue.

[Twoapenny]

If it's any consolation, Sunblue, I have found in the past that sometimes when something is particularly tough it is because I am getting ready to let go of it.  So it might be that next Christmas you'll have shifted a bit and a year's worth of healing will have taken place and it won't be quite so painful.  It is very hard when you have people that could love you (in a normal, healthy way) and they don't.  Maybe your brother's way of coping with his own family issues is to put a mental block on the whole family and only focus on the ones he choose rather than the one he was born into?  Might be his way of dealing with the feelings that come up, it's very complicated and I do think these difficult families create all sorts of different problems in people.

I know what you mean about volunteering and giving to charity not being the same for you as having family around but equally what you are doing for other people by doing that might literally mean the difference between them spending the day feeling happy and spending the day wishing they were dead.  It's such an emotive time of year and I think a lot of people feel any kind of loss in their lives much more acutely.  For people who don't have family (for whatever reason) or who are homeless/skint/ill etc having someone else do something kind for them means such a lot, even when it's not a face to face exchange of any kind and is done via another organisation.  They do a hamper scheme in our area for elderly people who are on their own; people do up little boxes of food and small presents and the recipients often write letters of thanks which are published in the local paper afterwards.  So many of them say they don't have family and getting a present from somebody makes them feel so special.  So you're doing amazing things for other people by volunteering at that time of year and giving them what you aren't getting for yourself which I think makes it even more amazing

[JustKathy]

Hi Sun,

I related to many of the things you said, and while I don’t have the answers, I can tell you a bit about my FOO. It sounds like we have a similar family dynamic, so maybe you can find some connection?

I was the target child, and have always been sentimental and hyper-sensitive. I don’t know why. I cry over everything. A happy movie that’s emotional will make me bawl like a baby. I have very few of my childhood possessions, as NM disposed of them all, but the few items I do have, I cling to. Small gifts from my grandmother are my greatest treasures. Even though I am now estranged from my co-Father, who hurt me badly, I still have ticket stubs to concerts he took me to as a child, and am sentimental over those few happy moments where I thought, even for an hour, that he loved me. NM and co-father caused irreparable psychological damage, yet I am still sentimental over the handful of happy moments that I DID have. My entire life, people have told me to stop being so sensitive. It’s not something I can turn off.

My sister, like yours, is a mini-me of my N-mother who catered to her every whim until the day she died. After N-mother passed, my sister became even more cold and heartless. She is an ice queen, filled with nothing but anger. Loves no one but herself.

My brother was the golden child. He too has become very cold and detached, but it wasn’t always that way. When he was a child, he was pushed to be the overachiever that NM demanded him to be. He was forced into competition ice skating, becoming a child actor, even forced to convert to Judaism because NM said “Jews control the industry.” He was painfully shy, had no friends, and was the most sensitive kid on earth. This lasted until his late 20s, when he married an N, just like his mother. After that, he became cold and cynical. Just like your own brother, he claims to have forgotten the life he had before marrying his N-wife. He started treating me badly, and we finally ceased contact.

I also wonder how we could have grown up in the same household and ended up so differently. I will say this. Even though I am the most emotionally damaged of the three, I am by far the best person, and I think you are too. What may seem like a character flaw is perhaps something we should be proud of. We are sentimental because we are compassionate people who have love in our hearts. We are the ones who should be angry, but it didn’t turn out that way. Why we didn’t, is anyone’s guess.

[sunblue]

Thanks TwoPenny and JustKathy!  It is so nice that someone else understands.

Two:

I think you are right in that perhaps this is about me going through the last vestiges of hope for a family that I'll never have.  Of course, as the holiday is getting in full swing, we're all bombarded by all these messages of families, relationships, the importance of "spending time together as a family", etc.  It's hard to avoid them.  What's worse is when technically you have a family....but in reality you really don't because of the N members or the ramifications from them.  As for volunteering, I know that it's a good thing to help others during their time of need....and I do that especially during the holidays.  The hamper charity you mentioned sounds like such a nice idea!

JustKathy:

Much of what you described in your family resonates with me.  In my case, the golden child is my older N sister who is very coldhearted and who is my mom's mini-mi.  My mom spends her real holiday with her (every holiday, every vacation, nearly every weekend, every evening on the phone for an hour or so) and she just deigns to give my brother and I one night a year on Christmas Eve.  As for my brother, he hurts the most...because I know he is capable of more as I see it in his relationships with others.  Perhaps you are right.  He tends to be a monochromatic thinker (everything is black and white) and perhaps he just threw me out with the bath water when he decided to go "low contact" with my parents.  Perhaps it is his way of coping with the N family.  At any rate, the result is it is a total loss for me, regardless of the reasons. 

I'm so sorry to hear of the way in which your N mom has hurt you.  But I don't think there's anything with being sentimental and keeping around sentimental items.  Ultimately you are right in that those of us who have hearts and compassion and the capacity for sentimentality are better off....we just weren't lucky enough to have family we could give it to.  For me, I think part of my focus on sentimentality and nostalgia now is trying to revisit a time when things were a bit simpler and more hopeful.  That time is gone now.  It's also difficult for me to see others in my family create new memories and not have any sentimentality for anything to do with our FOO....especially when I see them doing it with others in their life.  But, alas, there is nothing I can do to control or change that.  I have to somehow learn to let all of this go and accept that I will never have.

Thanks again to you both for responding.  Please know that as Thanksgiving approaches next week, I am dearly grateful for you and others on this board who have been so kind to me.  I hope that you both can have a pleasant holiday devoid of any N drama.

Thanks again.  Sunblue.

[sKePTiKal]

I'm just going to drop this here and you all do what you want with it.

Love and simple human kindness is a very real "thing" in this life. It's an energy that's tangible, like when the barometer drops right before a big storm rolls in... only it's the bestest energy out there. Like the wind, or the feeling of sunlight on your winter-deprived skin.

And it's MEANT to be experienced and felt and shared way more than it is these days.

Those of us who have lived our lives longing for this; observing it from afar and hoping there's some crumbs dropped our way have a deficit of it that we typically forget doesn't just get received from a source outside of us. We receive it ourselves when we give it away to others - even complete strangers.