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What would you do?

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Twoapenny:
Hi everyone,

I am aware I haven't updated/caught up on threads over the last few days, head is still reeling from Christmas, I think.  But a couple of things have come up re friends and I have been thinking about what I want/need in the coming year and healthy friendships came very near the top of the list.  There are a couple of situations that I find difficult at the moment and I wondered what some of you on here would do in the same situations that I am currently in?

Number 1 - a very close friend for about seven years (we talked and/or met up most days, our children were similar ages, we spent an awful lot of time together) suddenly stopped returning my calls.  This was about five or six years ago now.  We went from daily contact to no contact literally overnight.  They had moved house and she had started a new job so a change in frequency wouldn't have been unexpected but it literally ceased.  I did catch up with her on Facebook at some point and went to visit and it felt very stilted and just not the same.  Eventually I stopped calling her as I felt a bit like a stalker as she didn't return any of my calls but she carried on sending birthday and Christmas cards and presents.  About three years ago I wrote to her and explained that I had struggled as she hadn't returned my calls for so long and that was why I'd stopped phoning but that I did still want to see her and be in contact with her.  She called and left a message, I called and left her a message and again she didn't call back :)  She did carry on sending Christmas cards that always say 'get in touch, it would be great to catch up'.  I didn't respond last year as I didn't see any point (and it's been about five years now since we've actually spoken and longer than that, I think, since we've seen each other).  I've just received another Christmas card from her saying her dad died and she'd like to get in touch, but again she's left it for me to contact her when she's made no attempt to call or return my calls so again I don't feel there's any point me bothering.  Sorry, waffling on, but all I really wanted to ask was, do you think I should write again and again tell her that as she doesn't call me or return my calls then there's really nothing I can do?  Or just ignore her?  I don't want to be in contact with her any more anyway, it's been too distant for too long as far as I'm concerned and I've not got the energy for it, I'm just not sure whether to write and tell her plainly or just ignore the card.

Second question - another friend who has been a very good friend over the years but (1) I think she tells me things that aren't true (anything that's going on in my life seems to happen to her within a matter of days and it just happens too often for me to think it's coincidence.  Other times she'll tell me one version of events and when she tells me again a few weeks later it's different).  Secondly, she arranges getting together, sends endless texts, emails and phone calls re getting together, then always cancels at the last minute.  As soon as she cancels she wants to arrange the next get together and then the pattern is repeated.  Every single time.

I'm not fussed about the constant cancelling, I just assume now whatever we arrange won't happen and don't make any plans around it, but again, should I say something - at the risk of losing the friendship which is very good by phone! - or just carry on.  I don't want to lose her as she is a good friend in other ways but I find it exhausting :)  This has cropped up as two Christmas cards have just arrived in the late post :)

Just wondered what you would do in these situations?

Hopalong:
Oh god, they both sound exhausting.
I'm way too close to this topic but I know that unattaching and holding friendships lightly, letting them ebb and flow as they do without distress at every "ebb"--is very hard for me.

It goes back to early, painful social rejections that left a few teeth in me. Even at this age, I can feel not just exasperated but hurt by friends who are unsteady or blow hot and cold.

As to the "tease" communications (especially digital), they set my teeth on edge. I finally caught on with the one friend I've written about a good deal here. She liked to send messages about "Oh, we must get together soon" and then she'd kind of fade away. So I learned to do this:

1) "Tease" message about "getting together" or even "soon" comes in.
2) I reply--I can do next Weds at 300 or Friday at 500 or Sunday afternoon. What works for you?
3) Then if she flaked (which I told myself to expect)...just grit my teeth and wait (stifling the impulse to confront or discuss or reach back).
4) Inevitably, eventually another "tease" (or in your case, gift) would arrive..."oh we must meet up soon" or "I miss you!" etc.
5) THEN, it'd feel good to reply, "I'd like to connect but the last time you said you'd like to, I offered three times and you never responded. For me it'll work better if you contact me when you're ready to make a date to actually get together. Thanks."

If your friend #1 doesn't live in the area, it could be about making an appointment to catch up over the phone. Maybe you could treat that the very same way. "I can talk on XX at XXpm or ___ or ___...what works for you?". If your friend #2 does live in the area, could you tell her, I have noticed that you make plans with me and cancel over and over and I feel frustrated about it. I'd like to see you, but I don't like feeling so uncertain about it. If you are just too busy or your life's too complicated right now to follow through on a plan, I understand. But it'd be better for me not to make dates with you because I find I'm feeling taken for granted. I don't want to feel that way so let's not make plans together unless you're sure you will commit.

Those are really clunky "scripts" but the sense I get is that when friends don't follow up you do feel hurt, and taken for granted, and as though you're uncared for. That may or may not be true but I'm triggered in the very same way. I think clear communicating about it is likely the only good answer.

Sorry this was so uncoordinated.

love
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hopsie, that did make me laugh, they are both exhausting!  And no, not uncoordinated at all, makes perfect sense to me.  I think this is one of the areas where I don't completely trust my own judgement, because my friendships mean an awful lot to me and it does hurt me terribly when people vanish from my life without a backward glance.  I find it difficult to know whether I'm being unreasonable or over-reacting so it's always helpful to hear from other people and see what they think.

I will take your advice.  Friend no 1 I don't consider a friend any more and haven't for a long time; I don't understand why she keeps sending an annual request to get together but leaves it for me to arrange (she could just pick the phone up herself, it's what I would do).  Plus I have explained the situation from my perspective to her before and I think when you do that it's a case of either things need to change or this isn't going to happen and in this case nothing changed.  So I'm going to write to her and be honest, tell her how much I valued her friendship and how hurt I've been that she's gone from my life but that my life has moved on now so I'd rather she didn't get in touch with me again.  I think the thing that keeps going round in my mind is that we do know a few of the same people so there is a chance we might both be at 'something' some time, and I think I'd prefer to have said my bit prior to that happening rather than being caught on the spot.  I think a letter to her and then friend number 2 I will just say to call me on the day she knows she's free and arrange something spur of the moment.  She blows incredibly hot and cold and when she's hot my phone literally melts; endless texts and if I don't reply she sends another, then an email, then a text to tell me she sent the email, then she'll ring.  Too much for me to cope with.

Anyway, thank you for being the voice of reason at this crazy time :) x

sKePTiKal:
Well, Tupps. I think you can do what you want... and nothing "bad" will happen... and if your former friends feel hurt or confused (after all this explanation) that really isn't your problem or responsibility. You gave them a chance to kind of even up the relationship, right? I don't think they'll be upset long about it, though.

I find my "inner circle" of real trusted friends is really small. Those are the people that I'm loyal to, come hell or high water. Out from there, are those I enjoy spending time with and can sometimes count on. And then, there are the ones that I really only enjoy in small doses, occasionally, when I'm in a certain frame of mind. LOL.

But I've also noticed that "just hanging out & talking" - that activity - is something I reserve now to that inner circle. When we were all giddy girls we did a lot of this and that's what friendship was. But NOW, I find it's more about doing other activities together and helping each other out. The "cocktail party" is the equivalent, for me, of just hanging out... and I don't enjoy it at all because many of those people are strangers. I don't get to talk to the people I want to talk to... and end up talking to ones that I might not even know their names. Even when the kids come - we have things to do or we play board/card games together... and there might be some just hanging out/sharing time in between, during or in odd moments but the relationship isn't make/break on that "intense sharing" aspect of it.

I'm really trying to figure this out too. I guess we need to just make up our own rules??

Hopalong:
Nobody EVER calls me the voice of reason.
I thought my specialties were metaphor, id, and faffing about.

Over the top pleased.
Stomping around with chest puffed out.
Reminding my dog of how very logical and reliable I am.
Praising my inner librarian (ahem, gene courtesy of Nmother).

Tra la la!
Hops

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