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What would you do?

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Hopalong:
PS, Tupp--Do you think the desire to tell friend #1 you prefer not to be contacted again is because of vulnerability? Here's a long-winded (and likely repetitive) story that might illustrate why I relate to what you're working through about friends.

For me, it was a combination of things:
--Friend A. proclaimed I was her sister at one point when she needed a great deal of support (with an abusive older brother and no friends as a child, my serious yearning for a sister was enormous)
--She lives under two miles from me
--She is retired so her time is her own
--Nine out of 10 times, she sends me "teases" about missing me and how we "must" get together--but very seldom follows through. (This is changing in the last year or two, when I've come to understand she is comfortable doing structured group things and warmly includes me in those now and then...but just no longer values the intensely introspective talk sessions she used to seek me out for. Or, rarely does.)

Because of my early rejections (bullying from girls until young adulthood), the pattern was not just mildly annoying for me--as it might be to someone without my history--but profoundly painful. I am now completely clear that her emails suggesting get-togethers that never happen have no intentional significance or consequence to her and are not intended to convey hurt (in fact, I am sure she's thinking of me affectionately when she writes them). But to me, with my particular history and vulnerability, it was just crazy-making. (Why express how much you miss seeing me and make no effort to see me? You're retired, fit, near, your time is your own...etc. blah blah. I just couldn't understand--or accept--it. It truly hurt.)

I worked on it intentionally, and with relief, got to the point where I could continue to love and enjoy her (the closeness was diminished but still real) while also expecting no consistent interest or availability. So I actually don't experience much hurt any more, even when she does just the same thing. (I now respond as I described--love to see you too, here are times I can do it, when do you want to meet?). She will contact me every time she is in crisis (particularly with her Nmother), but doesn't have/make time to share as a "regular" friend. I so imagined (expected, wished, wanted to Require) that friendship meant being asked how I was doing, given a phone call now and then (she hates phones and I hate texting--impasse). BUT...over time I found new friends who DO value regular contact and communication and visits--checking in and staying on radar and asking after each other. So I am getting my needs met and didn't need to discard a friend. (I also recognize that it's more superficial and less reciprocal and that's what it is, and it's on me to decide how or how much I want to engage.)

There are plenty of strong independent people in this world who are NOT sensitive in this way. I have gotten more comfortable knowing that I am vulnerable in this area and no longer loathe myself for it. It finally dawned on me--why should I? I live in an independent-cowboy culture but in addition to sensitive, I'm also loving, loyal and supportive. I am not undeserving of friendship--and I do have quite a few friends, and a handful quite close. (As Skep says, that's plenty). It's making a lot more sense to me in my dotage that sets of people (any two) have to find a balance that works well enough to sustain their connection. There are plenty of connections that can work if I remain open to forming new bonds and taking the risk of trying. I really don't need to agonize over those combinations that can't work as well--but release in peace. And toxic ones I can skedaddle from.

This doesn't insulate me against hurt, loss or disappointment. I'll still experience and risk those, just continuing to live in the human tribe. But I am getting better at not being so reactive to others' responses, or dependent on them to know my own worth or find my peace and get my needs met. (And, I also often figure it out much later. That's okay too. Depends on the person and how aware I am of how it's working, or not.)

Long story shorter, I'm getting wiser about my own reflexes and less alarmed by others', so I feel more relaxed about people in general. It'll work well sometimes and not other times and that's natural and not a measure of anything except...how life actually takes place (instead of dream life, idealized life). It's real life, and I can deal with it.

Since I finally (took a couple years) got rid of my last expectations and projections about A. -- our relationship is more superficial but also still very pleasant. Not everybody can or wants to maintain emotional intimacy, and I believe that's part of the issue. When we first bonded it was a very intense connection between two daughters of severe Nmothers who'd never before had someone understand them with such direct recognition. And in hindsight, when her Nmother moved to town, that's when everything changed. Perhaps seeing me often, and knowing I'd always respond directly about what she was describing, was too triggering for her or put her on emotional overload. I can certainly imagine that. And without spite, I can say I also see her as a little N-ish herself. (I've got my Nspots too.)

So anyway, that's how it went. I'm happy she's still in my life...because I've come to believe that she did not intend to hurt me. My hurt arose from my own bruises and my own responses to her inconsistency. I was confused, sad, and re-experiencing childhood rejections that had nothing to do with her. I also feel stronger because my extraversion is working well (she's an introvert). I have found several new friends in recent years who make it more recognizable that they do value me--and their personalities make it easy for them to seek out my company, time, talk and sharing. So I'm no longer looking for my imaginary "sister" but am accepting that "spreading it (my need for support) around" is a far healthier approach for me. I really no longer yearn for intensely involved close connections with just one or two people. I like the fact that a handful support me closely. It's not just enough, it's an abundance.

Nobody, including me, can revise my childhood. But the more I step into a more confident sense of my adult self (is 66 too late?  :lol:) and let my childhood become actual and different past...the more free, flexible, and less desperate I feel.

Tupp, look at what you have done. You are STRONG (not impervious to need, but strong from surviving so much). You are LOVING (to your son). You are SMART (very). You are CREATIVE (half gypsy, half artist). You are AWARE (always learning, observing yourself and the world). You are BRAVE (you face challenges and keep on getting up when you feel knocked down).

This woman can declare her limits: with inconsistent friends, with new people, with old people, with medical people. And once you declare and delight in feeling calm and comfortable knowing your own limits...you can change and be flexible and negotiate new paths. Some paths might lead to accepting another's inability to be there for you as you'd prefer, or lead away from that person entirely. Either is good if it strengthens you.

What I learned from my experience excavating how painful that friendship once was, was that I now feel less brittle, less terrified, and more flexible than I could be during those years when rejection (or my interpretation of another's silence as rejection) could send me into a cascade of hurt.

It ain't perfect and I can and will backslide, but it's amazing to realize that growth really doesn't ever stop. I am okay if I accept, accept, accept...but without become bitter or withdrawn or giving up on people or community. THAT, not "rejection", is the real danger. Forming some new belief about people that's too negative, cynical or fearful. I know I can feel hurt if I attach too intensely or judge myself by what other people do/think/say. My feeling hurt doesn't equal their intent (unless they're cruel, Ns, or bullies). If I detect THAT kind of intent, I don't want to be in their orbit anyway.

A very long ramble (iow, another "sermon to self") I thank you for reading!

Hugs,
Hops

Twoapenny:
It all makes sense, Hopsie and yes, most of it rings true as well.

The vulnerability is definitely an issue as is my trigger of feeling I've been used to meet someone else's emotional need (which obviously stems from childhood and has made me very sensitive to people who have a lot of time for me when they need something but close down when they don't).

I think the issue I have in another way is a lack of time and energy.  I put about 99.5% of everything I've got into my boy and into dealing with my day to day issues of anxiety, not feeling good enough, feeling lonely and so on.  I've pretty much accepted now that I have to put time and effort into dealing with my 'stuff'; it's part of me and I suppose in the way someone with diabetes will have to take insulin those of us with emotional/self esteem issues will have to find ways to manage that day to day (and I've got some things I want to work on this year that I will put into another thread :) ).  I'm also aware that I have co-dependency/need to please/need to be liked issues that some people trigger more than others and I'm trying to work on those as well.

So the situation with Friend B is similar to the one you describe and I'm kind of at the same place that you are with your friend.  When she's 'on' she's a good friend, she's good fun, I enjoy her time and her company whether it's face to face or on the phone.  We spoke on the phone today and it was lovely; we've spoken quite a bit over Christmas and it's been really nice.  She will vanish again at some point because that's what she does but I'm kind of alright with that, I was more in a pickle with whether I should be upfront about the situation or just get on with it.

Friend A is a bit different; it's been so long since we've seen or spoken to each other that I don't think of her as a friend.  I was enormously hurt when she vanished the way that she did and she feels a bit like an ex boyfriend now, in the sense that I've got ex boyfriends that I'm 'over' but I don't want to hear from them or meet up with them.  I think she falls into that category more than a friendship I want to hang on to (because I feel it died a long time ago anyway).

I could say nothing; I only received her card because I've had my mail redirected since we moved so next year nothing she sends will get to me anyway.  Again it was more me thinking whether I should speak my mind and be direct or if I should just leave it knowing she can't contact me again, if that makes sense?  One of my intentions for next year is to speak up more so I think she might fall into that category.

Hopalong:
Person A: Call me.

Person B: No. You call me.

 :P

Hopalong:
Claro and bravo, Tupp.

It'll be good to hear what you finally decide about Person A. Ghosting her makes sense to me,
as if you write her how you feel, that's being vulnerable to someone who's been pretty careless, imo.
However, if writing her feels right to you, or you want the assertiveness practice, why not?
Sounds like there's nothing to lose there either way.

And once the holiday connectivity passes, you sound ready to accept an "ebb" from Person B.

I'm very impressed.

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Thanks, Hops :) 

I've been thinking about this some more over the last few days and trying to work out why some options seem better than others (do I want to hurt them the way they've hurt me?  Do I want to annoy them and upset their plans the way they do me?  Am I being assertive or passive aggressive?).  And so on.

I received a text from someone I know this morning who heard my son has been ill over Christmas and she's got in touch to ask how we are and offer to help.  It made me think.  This is a kind gesture from someone who can see our situation is tough (and I moan a lot about people not noticing!).  But my reaction to the text was negative and the more I thought about it the more I realised that, although this woman is offering to do something nice and has never been unpleasant or unkind to me (or to anyone else I know), I don't like her.  No reflection on her as a person, she's just not my cup of tea.  I find her draining, I don't enjoy being around her (she knows some people I know which is how I've spent time with her in the past) and if I'm honest if I saw her in town I'd try and go a different way before she spotted me.

I feel mean and unkind saying that but it is how I feel.  And that's made me think more about other friendships and relationships in my life.  I think one of the problems is just literally a lack of time; I just don't have the time or the energy to maintain lots of different types of relationships with lots of different types of people (and their assorted problems/personality traits/mad behaviour or whatever it might be).  Skep, I think you said in one of your posts that you have a small group of really good friends and they're the ones you focus your time on (or words to that effect).  And I think that's possibly a point I'm at now.  There are people I know who are good, solid, dependable.  They like talking on the phone (the same as I do).  They ring with good news, they ring with bad.  They make time for me (and I for them).  They remember birthdays, anniversaries, they ring to find out who certain things went.  And I think I'm at the point where I want to focus my time on these people that I know are good for me.  It doesn't mean I'm closed off to new friendships or relationships but I suppose it's a bit like pruning your wardrobe down to those outfits that you know work and giving away the tops that don't quite go with anything else and the trousers that are a bit too tight now and those shoes that make your feet ache after a couple of hours.

I've thought more about friend A because I've felt incredibly angry about my situation with her at times over the years and I've often wondered why I've found it especially hard to let go of that and just put it behind me.  The more I've thought about it over the weekend, the more I've realised that my friendship with her is one I sort of fell into because it was easy.  We were in similar situations so it was easy to spend time together; I was a lonely single mum so having a best buddy meant I didn't have to deal with my other reasons for loneliness or risk being rejected by other people.  Perhaps I used her?  That's a bit of a sobering thought; it wouldn't have been intentional but perhaps my taking up with people who were easy to take up with was me using them rather than the other way around?  I don't know but it has given me more to ponder on.  Perhaps I should reconnect with her and see if we get on now as the different people we both are (in the sense that we're different to the people we were when we first met)?

Still pondering.  Just putting thoughts down on the screen as they pop into me head.  Thank you for reading :) x

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