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What would you do?

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Hopalong:
I like that idea. Admire your introspection, Tupp.

About using and/or being used.
I wonder if you could flip that to pondering reciprocity?
If it's about using or being used, there is no good place to go.

Every relationship involves figuring out whether it includes enough reciprocity.
Enough to work for that individual. (The 80-20, 50-50, 70-30 magical percentage thing
that we are aware of in our minds but don't usually talk about with the other, doesn't
matter. It just needs to be enough for that individual.) Clearly, it hasn't worked with Fr. A.

As I get older it's easier for me to spot my "needy" stuff-- I no longer beat myself up for it.
I talk to myself rationally about why I need people and drain the shaming out of the word.
I need food, shelter AND humans. Can't always have that need met instantly but
it's steady and I respect it, and respect my fairly consistent actions that acknowlege it.

I have read so much research and reporting about the terrible, actual effects of
isolation and loneliness on ANYONE (we didn't invent it). Medical effects. Cognition effects.
Rapid aging, disease susceptibility, earlier death. It's no joke that we need community and
connection, it's rational, biological, real. It is natural to need and want it and seek it out.

So if I start scolding myself when I feel loneliness (as though it's a failing) I quash that
pretty fast these days. It is NOT a character flaw to need human connections. If it
feels awkward at first building new ones...the answer is practice. Only practice. Reach
and keep reaching, build a circle. (Yours may be complete but if/when it has room.)

Friend A -- you did say you were "enormously hurt/incredibly angry." So, my reaction
is wondering if it's worth the experiment to reconnect with her? She wasn't able
to care or be consistent enough with you before.... But while I'm opining, I'd add
that I see nothing shallow or wrong at all with "falling into friendship" because someone
appears easily in your life. That's just grace. It's more about hearts being receptive
and ready to connect, timing, and enough compatibility to make it possible, imo. You can't know
until you spend a little time and repetition to find out. And then if it's not there (like with the
kind person who texted you) you can lightly let it go. (Sez preacher to self. Over and over.)

If there's no will or motivation on her side to do actions to maintain friendship though, maybe
you're trying to re-let go of something that's already gone. Just-moved and child-crisis
loneliness would also be very tough were I in your shoes. (The psyche's irrational distress
about moving, even when it's a positive move...takes time, a season for that to settle.)

BTW, I found your angry reaction (or negative, unclear what that was) to the kind text the most
interesting thing you mentioned. Is the wonderful T you were seeing still within reach? You and
she would probably get to the bottom of this in an hour.

One top of old stuff, the real and present stuff you've been through is enormous. A move.
The relentless holidays. Your boy's seizures. That is a LOT. Maybe you're focusing on feeling
sour toward various people because you're still pretty exhausted and feeling fragile from all this.

Who wouldn't?

hugs
Hops

lighter:
Hi Tupp:

I read this thread, and wanted to say that friend B sounds like someone you could let go of, and not miss.  Peace, serenity, fellowship and comfort don't include needy friends who have to trump your troubles with false drama, IME. 

Friend A..... sounds like there's some unfinished business.  I get that.

You've received great advice from Hops and Amber, so I'll just put in my two cents very briefly.

If you can safely express your authentic feelings to friend A, and accept her response without expectation,  maybe ask her why she physically withdrew from the relationship without blame.   I think you'll get the information you need to make peace, one way or the other, IME. 

(((Tupp)))

Lighter

Hopalong:
I just looked back and was amazed how long-winded my posts were the last day or so.

Asked myself....hmm, what's different?

I hadn't taken my ADD med much since I stopped the job (don't need it if I don't have
something sort of official I have to focus on). But the last couple days I did.

Hoo boy, that-thar stimulant. Made me laugh.

Hops

Twoapenny:
That's interesting, Hops, I'd always assumed ADD meds calmed people down, does it make you focus better? Not something I know much about but whichever way it's going at the minute I hope all is good :)

Thank you for all the thoughts and comments/suggestions.  I've been thinking about all of this some more and keep coming back to asking myself why friends/people are such a big deal to me?  I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking, analysing, justifying and engaging in friendships (or with people hoping they will become friends).  I feel quite shocking a the minute; completely exhausted, my nerves are jangling, the thought of cooking a healthy meal makes me want to lie on the sofa with a packet of biscuits.  I'm over weight, unfit, I spend most of my time doing 'work' tasks (ie things that need doing that I don't particularly want to do) and feel like an invisible being.  And so I'm starting to wonder if this year I should work at falling in love with myself.  I know that sounds naff but I'm wondering if, instead of thinking about other people constantly, I should focus on looking after myself and making myself feel better and just enjoy the people that naturally fall into that rather than worrying about what everyone else is doing?

I will keep thinking and let you know what I come up with :)

Hopalong:
(((((Tupp)))))) Yes, you should, imo.

Your "I wonder if I should ____" questions often describe such a positive, sound, life-enhancing stance. Such as self-love. I think you do know what the answer is, and just express it tentatively as though you need permission. You do, actually....but only your own.

It's tempting to come up with periodic new rules or strategies that will protect us against all further hurts. Self-isolating is often a result. Permeable and flexible boundaries are different. Easy to say, long practice to learn.

Be kind to yourself. And probably, from what you're describing...maybe meditate? One thing I've learned from this class is to view my thoughts with more detachment. Kind of like a busy, static-ky thing. I don't crave complete disregard of my thoughts and wouldn't make a very skilled Buddhist...but I did experience how if I'm ruminating/obsessing, meditation interrupts that cycle in a very peaceful way.

Sending support,
Hops

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