A very hard week

[lighter]

I've been coming to grips with getting through school, and figuring out a way to put myself to work in a way that's enriching, healing and....... I'm not sure what it is I'm trying to make happen.  I just know it's been missing for a very long time.  Purpose.  Drive.  Service.  Income.   

This week has been full of attitude adjustments, the dark rotten skin of legal battles falling away..... not scabbed.... still wet and heavy and slimy.  I want so badly to drop it all, and just leave it behind entirely.  In all ways.  Whatever it's left on, in and around me.... I'm ready for it to go.  I have an entire war room dedicated to boxes of files, and standing file organizers, and papers on the floor that I can't quite bring myself to put away bc out of sight out of mind and it took me so long to tease out these very important documents for the last case, and....... I don't feel safe enough to put them out of sight, out of mind.  Just in case, kwim?

Like most things for me, I don't realize how heavy something's weighing on me till there's some distance from them.  I have just a small bit of distance right now..... and.... these things come off in layers, and there's adjusting and leveling off as the pressure lifts.  Mourning of losses, and coming to grips with whats left...... come to Jesus chats with self.  Lots of those.   I actually asked myself if I was interested in dating.  Again.  After all these years, and I didn't automatically dismiss the notion.  Not sure what that means, but.... it's new, I'll say that.

::nodding::

This afternoon I spent some time really dreading a funeral  I'll attend tomorrow afternoon.....
and dd14 is still sick....... and missing school.   

I imagined my world getting smaller, with less meaning, and talked myself out of that tree, then imagined more for myself, bigger, better more meaningful, then circled'round again.  Just what I've been doing since the holidays, really.

::wringing of hands::


Then I had the most amazing chat with my dd16's Therapist.  They're opening a new concept therapeutic intervention for teens..... less tromping about in nature, more work in Yurts......... and most important expected to be more effective than Wilderness Camps and a lot less expensive.  YAY!  THERE'S SO Few options out there.  I've thunked my head against the wall for hours trying to figure out something better.... something less expensive, and here it is!  SO necessary, and this T will be running the flagship model... he's amazing. 

He's also participated in my case studies, and is very interested in offering an opportunity for me to work in the current program and new program..... more expanse and space to breath and imagine myself in.  Good stuff.

One of the things I didn't want to do is all Learning Disability focused work.  I want to do so much more with BIT, and this is one door to branching out, while still being able to DO the LD work as needed.... not as the priority.  There's room for alternative therapies...... they're open to magic.  ::nodding::

A friend called and made lunch plans for Saturday.... I so need to get out of the house, and dd should be all healed up by then it's hoped.   

Oh, and Hops... I ordered The Artist's Way this evening.

Yes.

Lighter
ps  I'm listening to this song, and it makes me smile.  She taught my dd14 to play the ukulele: )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5Bg5Q3Snm0

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, if it's any consolation I usually find that these very intense 'letting go' periods usually preceed important (and healthy) changes.  That doesn't make them any easier to manage but I find it usually means that my sub conscious/soul/higher self or whichever way you look at it is gearing up to move into a new phase of life and needs to clear out the old stuff that won't support that.

I am currently looking at my entire bookcase of legal matters paperwork!  So I completely understand where you are with that.  I've kept an awful lot of stuff that I would usually have got rid of but I am concerned that I might need it in the future and, as you say, it sometimes takes so long to find something that having to hunt for it again is a real pain.  I did put it all in pretty files so it makes a bit of a feature

The work/further studies for you sound amazing and the outdoor programme for your older D also sound great (this therapist sounds a bit incredible!).  I hope younger D is feeling better soon.  An awful lot going on for you but it sounds like good things are coming and over time hopefully it will be easier to manage/let go of the older stuff?

Thinking of all of you anyway and sending you good wishes.

Tup xx

[lighter]

((((Tupp)))))

Thanks for the hard won words of wisdom.  This is definitely major shift......  it feels like an emotional avalanche barreling through me.    Part of me says..... "Of course it is..... it's been coming for a long time...... it's a necessary thing.... you always knew." 

But part of me is terrified by it....... drives me up the tree.  Trusting that keeping my grip, holding on, sitting with the feelings and not DOING DOING DOING anything counterproductive opens up space to crawl back out of the tree,  find the positives, and hopeful possibilities, and I do. 

I'm going to start a new WHAT I LOVE thread...... it's time.

(((Tupp))) You've been a bit quiet.  How are you doing?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Well I will come and sit up in that tree with you, I'll bring a drink and some snacks, we can chat and watch the leaves move, watch the birds flying about, have you still got those naughty squirrels bothering your roof?   We can watch the branches across the sky and the clouds doing whatever it is they want to do today and see all of that nature just doing what it does without any thought or any mind to do anything else.  And while we're up there all our troubles will melt away to nothing and just be replaced by warm, fuzzy, contentedness.  Aaahhhhh   I think the avalanche comes when you've had to be brave and practical and stoical for years, no chance of falling apart and letting go.  And then when you don't need to do that any more there's so much there it can't trickle out, it storms through.  It is a horrible feeling when it happens but you're not on your own - we'll all be up in that tree with you watching the sun set on a whole load of troubles that you don't need anymore xx

I am good, thank you for asking.  I have neglected the board recently, not intentionally, and am just about to start trying to catch up!  I think there's a lot I've missed x

[Hopalong]

Lighter, you're feeling it...and expressing it so clearly.
Sending you calm and the sight of sunrises after the stormy nights.

This too shall pass; all things do change.
Reach out for what's real, and people who don't pose, and hang on.

I hope you and your DDs will soon find a new chapter of peace and calm.
Meanwhile, I echo Tupp's wisdom...nature is there for you. Always.

Tupp, your answers to everyone are so careful and caring, they always console me too.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

(((Tupp)))  Such a comfort.... thanks for climbing, and bringing snacks.  I never remember the snacks.... self care goes out the window. 

I am enjoying tea though..... lots and lots of tea.

::offering Tupp tea::

Caffeine this high up.... never a good idea.

((Hops)) 

I'll hold your words tight....

"Reach out for what's real, and people who don't pose, and hang on."  Thanks for that.

This is such a strange place to be.  I don't like it, but I'm trying to observe, and save all possible lessons. 

Growth is so hard... but it's hopeful too.

Light

[Twoapenny]

(((Tupp)))  Such a comfort.... thanks for climbing, and bringing snacks.  I never remember the snacks.... self care goes out the window. 

I am enjoying tea though..... lots and lots of tea.

::offering Tupp tea::

Caffeine this high up.... never a good idea.

((Hops)) 

I'll hold your words tight....

"Reach out for what's real, and people who don't pose, and hang on."  Thanks for that.

This is such a strange place to be.  I don't like it, but I'm trying to observe, and save all possible lessons. 

Growth is so hard... but it's hopeful too.

Light

I never go anywhere without snacks!  Lol.  I do find being anywhere with trees and green calming.  Trees, tea and biscuits sounds perfect to me x