What would you do?

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Hops, your support is much appreciated   And you're right, I do feel as if I need permission, anything I do for myself - even cooking a good meal - feels selfish and self indulgent.  Isn't that silly?

It's interesting because in a way it ties in with what you were saying about reciprocity in friendships.  Those of mine that have fallen by the wayside have generally done so because, for one reason or another, I've stopped making any effort for a while - and the other person hasn't taken up where I've left off so the friendship has died.  I think a lot of my friendships over the years have relied on me making most (all) of the effort, partly because it's just my personality to organise getting together with people and I do tend to remember/make an effort for birthdays and so on.  I am isolating myself more and more - people just feel like so much effort?  I am going to see the doc next week as I think I'm getting depressed.  Winter doesn't help.

Anyway - have lots of little jobs to do at home today which I enjoy, funny how things that used to be boring are now things I look forward to.  My little flat is shaping up nicely and the cat is much happier now that we have some carpet for her to lie on.  Thank you x

[lighter]

Tupp:

How are the little jobs going? 

Have you enjoyed being in the kitchen lately?

Lighter

[sea storm]

Such a great discussion and so helpful. Friendships are so important and they can really hurt. I notice that people who are super friendly and then disappoint have High intensity-low commitment. They seem to want what they want right now and then poof.  This can hook me into feeling bad about myself very quickly.  Really important no to take this or anyone's behaviour personally. I am crummy at that but the high intensity, low commitment thing is a real red flag.

Recently this happened to me and I reacted by starting an exercise class and wondering why my self esteem was so dependent on a charming stranger.

Lots of love
Sea storm

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

Little jobs coming along nicely thank you, not been spending as much time in the kitchen as I'm trying to boost my energy levels so mostly eating steamed, grilled or uncooked (by that I mean fruit and veggies, not raw meat!) and keeping food simple.  Amazing how much food there is around us yet so much of it is really not great for our systems.

Sea, yes, the high intensity, low commitment friendships have been a common theme in my life and I do try not to get hooked into them now as, like you, I find them upsetting when they fizzle out. 

I think just talking out loud on here helped me to sort out my feelings about the two people I originally posted about.  I did decide to write to the one who sends a Christmas card saying "we really must meet up" and tell her how I felt.  I put it on my to do list, which I prioritise as there's always so much to do and obviously some things are more important than others.  Writing to her went at the bottom of the list as I do feel writing to someone who hasn't bothered to phone for five years is less important than everything else I need/want to do.  It's a long list and I rarely get more than the top five things done on it so after she sat at the bottom for two weeks I realised I will never actually get around to doing it so I crossed it off and put it out of my mind

The second friend continues to pop up and then disappear and I'm fine with it.  I enjoy her company so I will see her when I see her but not get dragged into the whole situation and just enjoy it for what it is, which is a chat and a laugh two or three times a year

Continuing to get out and about and just be friendly and open to anyone who crosses my path so things are good

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm relieved you've found a way to make sense of those relationships.

Your post was catalyst for me.  I finally addressed an old friendship..... she used to be my best friend.  The goal was to put it all down in writing, give it a resting place that wasn't shifting and shrouded in doubt..... just tackle it, and have done, once and for all.  I've really missed this friend.   

I can't know the specifics of what happened between us, but I can make peace with not knowing.  There was so much PD FOG at the time, I think we were both blinded..... I don't blame either of us.  The friendship was another loss I'll try to mourn and make peace with. 

While finishing the letter, not a long letter, I noticed that a few things came up.  One was that I would benefit from finally facing the issue, speaking my piece, and laying it down for good. 

The second was that I shouldn't be distracted from taking care of other things that need to be done in present.  I thought about it, considered I might be using the letter as distraction, then remembered how haunted I've been over the last 10 years by this.  It's good and right and time that I deal with it.  The present will be better, bc I have, and that was my measure stick.

Again, on your decisions...... well done, ((Tupp)).

It's hard to make really healthy food interesting isn't it?  When I'm at my best, I'm making different salads consistently with different proteins, nuts and greens and not really paying much attention to it either way.  It's a good thing.

 Man.... I really miss lentils.... I have a sensitivity to lentils, but they were my favorite.  Can you eat them?  If you cook a pot ahead you an eat them all week, hot or cold on salads. 

When I'm not at my best...... food's more of a struggle.  Esp when feeding teens... really they're young adults now.  I guess I have to make peace with having educated them about food, and giving them what they need to make informed choices for themselves..... let it go.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

I'm relieved you've found a way to make sense of those relationships.

Your post was catalyst for me.  I finally addressed an old friendship..... she used to be my best friend.  The goal was to put it all down in writing, give it a resting place that wasn't shifting and shrouded in doubt..... just tackle it, and have done, once and for all.  I've really missed this friend.   

I can't know the specifics of what happened between us, but I can make peace with not knowing.  There was so much PD FOG at the time, I think we were both blinded..... I don't blame either of us.  The friendship was another loss I'll try to mourn and make peace with. 

While finishing the letter, not a long letter, I noticed that a few things came up.  One was that I would benefit from finally facing the issue, speaking my piece, and laying it down for good. 

The second was that I shouldn't be distracted from taking care of other things that need to be done in present.  I thought about it, considered I might be using the letter as distraction, then remembered how haunted I've been over the last 10 years by this.  It's good and right and time that I deal with it.  The present will be better, bc I have, and that was my measure stick.

Again, on your decisions...... well done, ((Tupp)).

It's hard to make really healthy food interesting isn't it?  When I'm at my best, I'm making different salads consistently with different proteins, nuts and greens and not really paying much attention to it either way.  It's a good thing.

 Man.... I really miss lentils.... I have a sensitivity to lentils, but they were my favorite.  Can you eat them?  If you cook a pot ahead you an eat them all week, hot or cold on salads. 

When I'm not at my best...... food's more of a struggle.  Esp when feeding teens... really they're young adults now.  I guess I have to make peace with having educated them about food, and giving them what they need to make informed choices for themselves..... let it go.

Lighter

Yes I think writing things down and getting them off your chest is such a good thing, whether it's sent or not.  I think writing about it here just sorted it out in my head, funnily enough I've hardly thought about it since and yet for years both of these situations have troubled me.

Healthy eating - it is hard to do consistently (at least it is for me).  Especially when seeing friends as they usually offer biscuits or cakes and my naughty brain says "one's fine" and before I know it I'm back to scoffing.  I've dug out an old book about dealing with stress and fatigue and there are some simple, healthy recipes in that but I have to say they're not terribly inspiring and I look at them and know I wouldn't give them to anyone who was coming round for dinner.  But I do keep trying, I think with me it's just one of those things that will always be a bit up and down.  My diet is pretty healthy on the whole so I don't think the little slips are too damaging (and I do love lentils!) x

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((Sea))))))))))) -- I've missed you!
Thank you very much for this insight about a way to spot one particular kind of red flag. I've found it popping into my head every time I think about that friend I've written about here:

I notice that people who are super friendly and then disappoint have high intensity-low commitment.

That was one of those jeez, this boils down a long and convoluted problem of mine (in terms of getting clear on reciprocity and all that) in a FEW words, which I think is an evolutionary marvel. Thanks truly.

xo
Hops