Couldn't sum it up any better than this

[sKePTiKal]

I have to share this snippet of writing with you all. It comes from a description of a life experience of a dear friend and mentor who passed on a few years back. His daughter is just now transcribing several of his stories and recollections. Yes, it's out of context - but it DOES stand on it's own, without the rest of the story around it. You'll see why.

It hit me square between the eyes when I read it. This is our experiences; our lives; in a nutshell.

We have learned how children grow up lacking love, losing confidence in themselves, and because parents don't show them they are worthwhile, they believe they don't matter, so there is no reason to expect that the world will respect them.

Without self-respect, the child's behavior becomes self-defeating. Without love, they adopt any loyal companion. Without positive values, they adopt materialism, because they see it as the only road to pride. That pride is lonely on a cold night, but it is all that exists for one who never got love, and doesn't know how to give it.

[Hopalong]

That is powerful, and beautifully written, Amber. Thanks for sharing this.

I realize I don't fully fit into it, though. Really gave me pause.

Without self-respect, the child's behavior becomes self-defeating. That's for sure, but I was so steeped in my vision of WWJD, that self-abnegation felt right. I would make painful choices that might look like lack of self-respect and probably were, but I was doing them FOR a principle I'd absorbed. Very confusing. If I think of it as assertiveness, yes, it took decades to learn about that.

Without love, they adopt any loyal companion. That was true and still is true for me. I was loved by my father, but he couldn't overcome the toxicity of my mother, brother, and mean-girls culture. But he really did have a radiant heart and gentle nature, and even without overt/psycho-knowledgable support, I always knew he loved me. HE had the loyalest heart I have encountered in my life. So I tend to think most folks who are loyal are truly worth loving back. That gets me into occasional trouble with confusing loyalty with dependency, and there's a balance needed. But on balance, I cop to this one in general.

Without positive values, they adopt materialism, because they see it as the only road to pride. That pride is lonely on a cold night...  This one I dodged, for which I am very grateful. I was taught frugality and modesty of lifestyle. (I don't view it as "modesty" but that's I think how my parents felt it.) Materialism has never hooked me even a little bit (though fear of poverty has). I really get creating comfort and beauty in a small space and taking pleasure in simple things. I would truly like the freedom having a bit more $$ would bring (to write, now, rather than still have to work). And it was important to me to get my wee house paid off so I could leave it free and clear for my D. I do love cool cars because my first BF/love lived on a huge estate and taught me to drive on a Jaguar but I drive a 17 y/o CRV that I still think is the most gorgeous car I've ever owned.

Gotta go work. Thanks for this, Amber.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, I didn't really get the materialistic thing either. I think I substituted "safety & security" in that spot. And since I really DID gravitate like a moth to a flame for any resemblance of caring... I made mistakes. I was looking at face value; taking words over actions sometimes; and making unholy bargains in the process.

The difference between that and someone who does love is like night and day.

[lighter]

I was looking at face value; taking words over actions sometimes; and making unholy bargains in the process.

The difference between that and someone who does love is like night and day.

Amber.... what you wrote above really hit home for me. 

"Unholy bargains....."
 ::sigh::

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Me too.
What she said.

Powerful distillation.

What's sacred now is knowing, and staying present, and finding joy.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

How long have we been here? The Amazons and the board? I think I count 10 years or more.

In that amount of time, as I've healed and dipped my toe into interacting socially again in different places and ways... I have found so many people with stories like ours. Some not as frightful or sad; some beyond our ability to imagine ourselves in those situations. But consistently, each and every one of those people has their OWN story, struggle, inner sadness.

We're not so odd, really, is the conclusion I come to.

I still have problems getting too close to someone else's story, or getting too entangled trying to help. Always re-awakens my own and I get to refresh my emotional memory of those places. Just had someone ask me this week - someone with a story that should be a book; and it would be an international thriller - how to "let go". LOL. Good thing he asked me because he's got an engineer's mind and the way I approached that was functional, rather than philosophical or psychological. It'll get him started on his path anyway.

My friend who just lost her hubby, with the same name as mine, has been a challenge for me. I did teeter close to the edge of the cliff of falling back into pool of grief for a bit. But she's on the practical and pragmatic side of personalities and hasn't been pulling me into that - it's more me recalling my own walk.

So it's February 1 - rabbit, rabbit - and now is the time we have winter and spring concurrently. I've been in the new place long enough to have to dust. LOL. This is how you measure time when you're trying to separate yourself from the rat-race social and media filled world. When I thought an offer might be coming in on the beach house, I looked at the pictures online again. I was sad - because of so many memories there... so many people in them. But now I get to do that again here. And at the little cabin.

I'm a little unsure of what my "purpose" is - couldn't write a mission statement about this phase of my life if I tried. But there aren't any deadlines for turning those in, either. I'm not quite ready to declare a direction that I'm going in, but it might be time to try some things on. I just know that I've had 3 months to simply BE (along with arranging the stuff that I cared enough to bring) and just "try on" this new place. I might know it well enough to start making real plans now.

[lighter]

I'm a little unsure of what my "purpose" is - couldn't write a mission statement about this phase of my life if I tried. But there aren't any deadlines for turning those in, either. I'm not quite ready to declare a direction that I'm going in, but it might be time to try some things on. I just know that I've had 3 months to simply BE (along with arranging the stuff that I cared enough to bring) and just "try on" this new place. I might know it well enough to start making real plans now.

Amber.... I'll be interested in seeing your plan come together.  You've learned a lot about yourself in the past 3 months.  You don't have to sail a course if you set one.... you can alter it, or change it as necessary.  It doesn't have to feel perfect.... I'm reminding myself too.   

I can't put together an exact mission statement either, I'm afraid.  I put off BIT training till June while applying for another course to fill the gap.... it offers important credentials I'll need.  I'm not sure I'm ready for it..... but intend to jump anyway. 

I went through boxes of photos over the holidays.  Turns out it hurt less than trying to fill out DD16's application to a very conservative boarding school.  There's a deadline.    And so many boxes to fill in.   4000 characters or less. 

I'm afraid it's got me a bit shocky.  I visit it in spits and spurts while envying Hops' and DD16's language art skills (with much admiration.)  I hope DD16 gets the scholarship she's applying for.  She does have the test scores, but there's so many moving parts.  Overwhelming.  I want her to have this if she really wants it, but it might not be her path.  I think she'll be OK if it doesn't happen, but... 

I'm trying to embrace radical acceptance consistently...... release expectation....... breath. 

I'm trying to understand/make peace with what was, so I can live in the now. 


::nodding::
 

Lighter
 



 

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, success is scary isn't it?  ::nodding::

Your DD16 sounds like she has a huge advantage over other applicants, to me.  Along with you and her sister, she's lived through more life already - healed from some really painful things - and PROCESSED them enough to have a sense of wholeness of SELF. She'll be more conscious of the things that she grows into, choice of paths, etc. These are skills that are light-years ahead of some 26 year olds.

Yep, she's probably got characteristics and mental/emotional strengths that need to grow to catch up, for a technical "balance"... but it does sound like Mom knows how to step back, let D do her thing, and then be there to de-brief, critique, and guide when asked.

It's gonna be OK, everything will be all right Lighter. And it will be perfect - without anyone trying to make it so - all by itself.

[lighter]

It's gonna be OK, everything will be all right Lighter.

You know what, Amber?

Sometimes it's comforting to read/hear that. 

Thanks,
Light