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My mother died

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Bettyanne:
My N mother died almost 5 years ago now.  Its funny I have worked so hard over my lifetime trying to understand what happened to me...over the years being raised by a N.  I always blamed most of things that happened negative to me on my NM.  But I have had some time now since she has passed( she was 100 years old when she did) so I was 69 years old when she finally passed.
She was the typical N....looked good to the outside world, she said and looked great....spent her life looking for attention I now see she never got in her childhood of course she didn't give much to me either.  She was so so empty inside.  Like that saying when you can hear a pin drop!  She was endlessly looking for that attention from men.....not sexual attention but aren't I the good girl? and I need you to say your so great Betty.  She got it from an endless list of men she was secretary to.......she worked full time for 85 of her 100 year and a half long life. I don't think it ever got filled.....like that garbage can with the bottom out of it! You could see and feel how much she needed that praise of what a good secretary she was.......I left our her father died when she was 4 years old and her mother didn't have much to offer her either. She had two brothers and one took his own life when he was 26 so its tells you a lot that her brothers didn't get much either being raised by a mother who had no education at all except to 3 rd grade in Ireland.  Sometimes just because you are not educated academically doesn't mean you have nothing to give but in this case she really didn't have much to offer her children.....which was sad..

Life with my NM was one of living with a dictator.  She made all decisions right or wrong.  Never consulted with my Dad who was a yes man to her and her needs.  My brother born 3 years before me never walked or talked he had cerebral palsy do to lack of oxygen at birth.  So guess what my NM does.....she leaves him with her mother, her mother who was around 65 years old so she could continue working with the men who could tell her she was a great secretary.  She ran from everything....good, bad or indifferent.  When I was born 3 years later nothing changed again.....her mother was there but this time I get put in day care centers.  She needed that attention from her job.  Mother hood didn't cut it.  My dad made a very good salary back in the 1940's so it wasn't money it was her need to escape. You could never speak to her about anything as she had all the answers no matter the subject.  She told me once someday I will come to see she is right and I am wrong....big ego she had about herself.

Today I see she really didn't have much together about life.  She saw herself working as supporting herself even with being paid a very low salary.  She always made an appearance to the world as being very religious, showing up to daily church and looking so saint like. She had as little to do with me as possible.  I started taking buses as a six year old to take myself to dancing school.  Then when I was 9 sent me to an awful girl school run by mean nuns.  I took 2 public buses to and from school leaving at 7:30 a.m. and not getting home until 4:30 pm all by myself.  My therapist said to me she never bonded with me as an infant and toddler and it continued allowing her to do such things to me because she never saw it as a normal mother that was not good situation to put a child in riding buses alone.

Everything was always about herself.....when I married...which was only months after my dad died of cancer at age 51, my brother died that week I got married and her mother who lived with us died a month to the day I got married.  3 deaths in a very short period of time.  I had always thought she didn't bother much with me because of my brother......but with 3 family members dead now....nothing changed.  Life for a child with a N mother is cruel.  To never have a loving mother is cruel and to have to figure your whole life out because nothing was ever shared with you ever.  I do think something was very off with her not to have attachment to her children, husband and her mother who not much to offer either.

So she is dead.....and I am glad she has passed but their is a feeling of never having had the normal love that a normal family gives their family.  I have a wonderful husband which has turned out to be the best part of my life and six kids...which I did the best I could with no role model....but we are not without fault or problems but I love my husband and all my kids...to the best of my ability despite my N mother and weak dad and crazy grandmother. If your N mother or N father has passed I would be interested if you could share your feelings on it....thanks Bettyanne

PS sometimes I feel so mad like I wish I could dig her up and let her have it....because she got away with so much and never ever said she was sorry for anything.....

Hopalong:
This is such a sad story, Betty Anne.
I was sad to think of you on all those buses alone, a little girl bravely doing what she was expected to do.

I had a hollow mother too, but not quite as hollow as yours. It took me a very long time to forgive her, but I got there. Some Nparents never are forgiven, and that's the grace of their children's future...you get to decide for yourself how long she'll get to take up space in your head.

The power is yours now. To find ways to complete your healing, believe in the reality that your love for your own family is not just adequate but real and powerful.

The only part missing still is love for yourself. It takes a mighty effort for the child of an Nmother to stop being Cinderella (even after they're gone). But the goal is not to accept the role any more. To become determined, even if it's difficult or feels unnatural...to learn how to actively and intentionally love yourself.

You become your own Good Mother. By giving/thinking loving kindness toward yourself. In as many ways as you can come up with, and for the rest of your life. That is not the same thing as being selfish. It's recognizing that within you is still a child who at times feels unloved and neglected. And the only person who can make it up to her is not outside of yourself. It's you.

Your 60s is not too late to heal in amazing ways, and to continue to grow in ways that make life exciting and valuable to you...with experiments, small or large adventures (within or without). You CAN become happy.

And your mother is gone. Never to come back and do it better. She couldn't or wouldn't or both...and she's gone back to the universe. No longer a living part of it.

You are, though.

If you've never considered working with a wise and compassionate therapist, that'd be a pretty loving gift to yourself. Shame is the first enemy. Nparents teach their children to be ashamed of their natural needs for care, affection, and safety.

Don't be ashamed of that any more.

Glad you're writing here,
Hops

Bettyanne:
Thank you for your kind reply.  When you mentioned the buses my own T said she expected me to be an adult as a child, taking care of myself so she didn't have to.  It surely fits what she did to me.  I think she also was expected to be an adult as a child and never gave it a thought that it was wrong.  That truly  tells you how my NM was.
I think your also right about loving ourselves.  Love was the part I never got from her.....not in words or actions.  If she bought me something from the money she earned from working she felt like she was giving herself but she was wrong....a child needs love.....not in a item...but hugs and kisses and hearing the words said to them....something she could not relate to.....but you have me putting my thinking cap on?  I think I really need to come up with something that will help me feel loved.....that was so sweet of you to say....thank you so much Hopalong...Bettyanne

Twoapenny:
I think the lack of love in childhood leaves a huge hole :(  My mum filled hers with a perfect house, lots of money and an iron fist towards anyone who threatened her view of life.  I filled mine with addictions.  My mum hasn't passed yet, BettyAnne, but I think it will be a release for her and for me - even though I don't have contact with her she still causes problems.  Her need for attention is very much the way you describe with your mum, has to be the centre of 'something', even if it's something bad or unpleasant.  Just needs all eyes on her.  I think it's a great big tangle of emotions that we all have to work through (and the 'expecting you to be an adult when you're a child rang very true with me as well!'  Hope you are okay x

Bettyanne:
Twoapenny, Thank you for your reply.  It's amazing how these NM's have all the same similar traits.  The addiction to having total attention despite a family or job or what ever is their thing.  I remember a few days before my NM passed (she had fell and broke her hip at 100 in the office) she was in a hospital and when I had visited this particular day instead of asking me to take something from her bed and put on the dresser.....she pointed with her finger back and forth showing me what she wanted me to do.....I just starred at her and said nothing....and looked at me and said What do you want?  her need to control never stopped. 
I think the main thing I miss from not having a real mother was the love they give their children. As you said a huge hole in our hearts. I also realize she would never change no matter how much I wished for it.  Her life was very small and circled around her own need to be love or we can call it attention.  I don't think she traveled very far from her little circle mentally.  Narcissistic personalities are very mentally sick but can appear so normal when they want to catch spider in the there nest.....Thanks again, Bettyanne

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