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My mother died

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sKePTiKal:
I think the daily caring routine lasts longer and wears better on us, too. The little basics in life - small joys, understanding & kindenesses - help us be able to give that to others...

and in the process we discover that giving love, is often receiving it's gifts too.

JustKathy:
Hi Bettyanne,

My NM died in 2013, on my birthday. I received an obligatory email the next day from my younger sister, who was very much NM's puppet. It was completely devoid of emotion, and said, believe it or not, "I wanted to wish you a Happy belated Birthday, and also tell you that Mum died last night." At first I thought it was a joke, that my NM was very much alive and trying to get a reaction out of me (I had been NC for many years). For nearly five years prior, NM had been claiming to be suffering terminal cancer with only weeks to live. I had finally concluded that she was faking it for attention, so was surprised to confirm that she had really passed.


--- Quote ---So she is dead.....and I am glad she has passed but their is a feeling of never having had the normal love that a normal family gives their family.
--- End quote ---

Yes! Like you, I'm glad that she's gone. I'll admit to being delighted to get the news. My first reaction was, "My mother finally got me a decent birthday gift," though also, like you, I'm furious that she got away with so much, and that she never showed an ounce of remorse. She stole more than just my childhood. She stole a huge portion of my emotional well being, my confidence, my sense of self-worth. She even managed to steal my health (I've long suffered from an often disabling anxiety disorder).

And just when I think I'll never be whole, there are these amazing words from Hops:


--- Quote ---Your 60s is not too late to heal in amazing ways
--- End quote ---

I turned 58 a few weeks ago. Birthdays are a bit weird now because they will forever be the anniversary of her death, but I try to look at it as the anniversary of my liberation. I still don't feel completely free, as my co-father has continued to harass me, but that has started to quiet down and I'm learning to heal. I've started writing like crazy, two books, a novel and a memoir. Right now the memoir is just an exercise for myself, to fill in all the pieces of my life with her. It's brought a lot of buried memories to the surface, but I think it's important that I'm now remembering all those things. It's helping me to really see what a complete monster she was, and that nothing that happened to me was my fault. I'm digging up old photos and letters from her that are validating all the things she did to me. The bulk of her abuse was gaslighting and sabotage. I still come upon therapists who doubt me, so that validation is everything.

I could ramble on and on, but just know that everything you wrote resonated with me. I'm glad that you're here on this board. My NM was very much alive when I joined this group, and the people here helped through my journey, from her torment, to her possibly-fake cancer, to her eventual death. It's been so comforting to have a safe place where I can feel free to openly say, "I'm glad she's dead." It's okay to be happy that she's gone. It really is. Let the healing begin ....

Kathy

Bettyanne:
Hi Just Kathy......
Thank you for your response above.......Yes I have been trying to make some sense out of what happened in my life and no answer is better then what you wrote.  They are just plain....mean and it is so strange because we all think like the Hallmark mother day cards.....and all the words that sound so good and kind in them is what a mother is all about about......but in our case non of the words make sense.....their whole lives have always been about themselves. My T said you think your mother loved your kids but the truth is she didn't ....she used them to get more attention. 
What ever it is I need to do to feel better......the one thing I can say is my Mother is dead......she hasn't called me now in five years...so grateful for that.....the endless same conversations of What's New because she used me for news so she could call someone and repeat what I told her.....are over. 
Life is new and different without her......and so grateful for your kind response
Love, Bettyanne

Bettyanne:
I forgot to include anxiety like yourself.....when I was 24 and had just given birth to my daughter....I was bleeding and staying at NM's house BIG MISTAKE.....I had 3 other babies too I asked her to stay with me as I was weak and couldn't take care of the kids.....she stayed to noon....she was a work alcoholic and never missed work...so she walked out the door and left me....I called doctor and he sent an ambulance for me....and I called her telling her she needed to come home.  Long story short here I ended up getting blood ....took the kids when I got out of hospital and went home.....but after that I felt if my own mother didn't care about me.....what is wrong with me?
I ended up in a mental hospital for a month......she never helped....and never came to see me in the hospital....but as bad as it was to go to mental hospital it was a new beginning to go to a therapist this was back in the 1967 and the best thing that ever happened to me.....I had years and years of pain and up evil to deal with her....but back then they didn't use the word narcissistic ......not until 2000 did I have a therapist tell me that is what my mother is.  But anxiety hit me bad after she died....my therapist said you have had anxiety your whole life from her. I think she is right and know she is right....thanks again....Bettyanne

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