Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My mother died
Twoapenny:
I think you're right, BettyAnne, the lack of love is a real loss, although I have to say as I've got older I've realised that my mum can't love anyone human. She adores her dogs, genuinely loves them and would do anything for them, the sort of unconditional love that most people have for their kids. But she just can't cope with the interaction and having to make room for another persons needs, and their flaws (real or otherwise). I don't think she even loves my step-dad (despite the fact she gave up on her own children for him) - I think it's more that he ticks the boxes she needs ticking for her perfect show life. I still find it difficult to receive love (getting better at it!) but I am thankful that having my own son has shown me I'm able to give it without attaching strings to it.
And yes, the 'psychic' commands instead of just asking for something! My mum always expected me to read her mind and to a certain extent I could - I just couldn't read my own. Learning to do that now. It's a tough journey but this board has helped me sooooo much - hang in there x
sKePTiKal:
I really needed to read your post Hops. It seems we never stop needing those reminders to love ourselves, doesn't it? And that it takes a lot of forms, in the real world.
Hopalong:
(((((PR))))
I needed to re-read it, myself.
I think I talk so much about self-love because I'm preaching to myself all the time.
Lots of shame-crumbs still to compost, even at this age.
Glad y'all put up with it.
Hugs,
Hops
Bettyanne:
Thank you friends....for your kind replies...as I read I see that Love is so so important.....I know for sure that I wasn't shown how to love from my parents and grandparents. All of them grew up poor in money and poor in knowing how to care for each other. Maybe getting down to the nitty gritty is what is important here??
So if we all weren't care for by loving parents who didn't know how to love? where do we go from here?
I know with my six kids all grown and married etc etc......having my NM as their grandparent was not a good thing and I also see the ones she gave the most attention to she really harmed. But I can't correct it at this point.
Just learning to love oneself is a job in it self. Is it buying ourselves things or going on vacation...or it it being kind to ourselves on a daily basics. I see that is what was truly missing in my life? just having a healthy roll model..
I found one website call Mind Body Green.com.....its good in the sense you can put a topic your interested in and up will come different topics.
Thank you all.....
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Bettyanne on April 01, 2017, 04:21:07 PM ---Thank you friends....for your kind replies...as I read I see that Love is so so important.....I know for sure that I wasn't shown how to love from my parents and grandparents. All of them grew up poor in money and poor in knowing how to care for each other. Maybe getting down to the nitty gritty is what is important here??
So if we all weren't care for by loving parents who didn't know how to love? where do we go from here?
I know with my six kids all grown and married etc etc......having my NM as their grandparent was not a good thing and I also see the ones she gave the most attention to she really harmed. But I can't correct it at this point.
Just learning to love oneself is a job in it self. Is it buying ourselves things or going on vacation...or it it being kind to ourselves on a daily basics. I see that is what was truly missing in my life? just having a healthy roll model..
I found one website call Mind Body Green.com.....its good in the sense you can put a topic your interested in and up will come different topics.
Thank you all.....
--- End quote ---
Learning how to love yourself is such a big question, BettyAnne, and I think a lot of people struggle with it. I have tried many, many different things over the years and still feel it is sometimes one step forward and two back, although I am progressing and generally moving forward. Funnily sometimes I feel as though I have moved backwards but further down the line I can see that set back was actually a good thing and it has moved me forward, I just didn't know until later on!
For me, learning to love myself has meant putting boundaries in place and having to let go of people who don't respect those boundaries or meet me half way. It's taken me years (and I'm still learning) and it's been really hard - I've found it really tough to realise that people I cared about weren't really interested if I didn't give them what they wanted. But slowly I am coming out of that with a small group of very good friends, some interesting and fun acquintances, some good connections on a more practical basis and feeling better about myself. Self care is hugely important and I struggle with that a lot but I am trying!
With regards to buying things, one thing a therapist had me do was to buy things for the little girl in me. The next day I saw a necklace that had 'I love you to the moon and back' and I bought it for little Tup. That felt really nice. Yesterday I bought some nice bits to help with my self care; some nice candles, herbal teas, posh coffee - just little things that say "you're good enough for this, you deserve it and I'm going to buy it for you". For me that helps.
The online friends I have here are absolute rocks. I can reveal things that I never talk about, even to therapists sometimes. I never feel judged, or patronised, or that I'm taking up someone's time. There's so much wisdom and compassion here, it blows me away :)
Any my son :) He'll be sixteen next year and his childhood has been happy, despite all his health problems. He's always felt safe. He's never had a minute of not being or not feeling loved. I've listened to him, I've taught him about emotions, I've taught him that he's to speak his mind, say how he feels and to be his own person. There are restrictions, because of his learning difficulties, but he's mastered it in the way he is able to. He's a cracking lad and I've done that. I feel very proud of that :) So those are some of the things that have helped me. I'm getting there slowly. You will too :) xx
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