surviving the narcissist

[wizbiz]

Hi everyone,

I have been married thirty one years. Two years ago I discovered that my husband was cheating on me – in fact had been a habitual cheater from  the beginning, only I was blinded to all the signs. When I told him I was leaving him he cried and knelt and begged me not to do so. I was so shocked by this total crumbling that I agreed to stay and give our marriage a chance. But I felt sometimes that it was all a sham. As soon as I agreed to stay it seemed to me that he put the whole episode behind him and life (for him atleast) returned to normal at an amazing pace. For me, I had to pick up the pieces of a broken life, broken trust, and try to heal.

Now you guys, wait to hear how I found out that he is a sociopath narcissist. You will never believe this one. We live in a house and for sometime four of the neighbouring families have shared a part time gardener who comes once in fifteen days to mow the lawn, tidy up etc. This gardener started behaving oddly and all of us discussed it and somebody said we must get rid of the fellow for he must be a psychopath, and he gives us the creeps. As an internet fan (and one time psychology student though I didnt major in it), I was asked to read up on the subject. For all my knowledge of psychology I knew very little about these issues. I thought psychopaths were people who were totally nuts like the guy in the movie Psycho, and as for narcissist – I only knew that was somebody in greek mythology who was very good looking and loved his image. Period. So I started reading about it, for a onetime psychology student always has a bit of psychology in her bones! I looked for the gardeners symptoms and instead found my husband fitted the bill perfectly. I read on and on, fascinated.  Can you imagine my shock when I found out that my husband was seventy percent sociopath and something like ninety percent narcissist! It just blew me away.  If I were to tell anybody people would never believe it, for sociopath and narcissist are things we ordinarily dont know much about. To the world my husband is a charming, highly successful professional and we have all the trappings of a successful professional couple. That he has a double life/double personality – who would ever think it. But now I know and though I was stunned speechless for awhile, knowledge is power and will help me cope with the future. I know now there is no cure. This is the saddest part of my new found knowledge. My husband is 55. Others may get better. I know he wont. I can also give up any idea that all the promises he made about starting anew really mean anything to him. He did it to maintain the peace and guarantee his comfortable home and narcissitic supply. For yes, over the years, I see that he was always in the role of taker and I fell into the role of nurturer and giver and applauder. Didnt realize though that this is the classic twosome of narcissist and nurturer.

So now what?  My discovery is just two weeks old. I needed somebody to talk to and I found your board. Reading the messages and threads I realize I am not alone – that other people have faced this problem and each brings fresh insights to the board on methods of coping. I am devastated and grieving for all that has been and that I cant change. But I am at the same time determined that this wont finish me. I want to survive and will survive. If I am totalled by the wipe out of  my life,  then that is the final victory of the narcissist. I wont give him that. If you can see your life in ashes and build again with worn out tools (Kipling) then you have won. We made a mistake in giving our lives over to a narcissist, and yes we were fools, but we dont have to remain fools. We can pull out. I have a vivid piece of imagery that helps. Remember the old apothecary shops they used to have with dozens of tiny drawers behind the counter. Think of your life as being divided into those dozens of drawers. So you gave the top ten drawers to your relationship with the narcissist in your life. Empty out those drawers and sweep the relationship to the bottom corner drawer. Out of the way, out of sight almost. Now fill the drawers you have emptied with new things, new experiences, new hobbies, whatever and start over once more. You have just cleaned out the rubbish in your life. So all of you who are hurting like me, we are going to look to the future and make it, and much love and hugs.

[guest]

Hi
My name is ski and I'm registered here but forgot my password. Anyway,
I loved your letter. I have been married to a narcissist for over 44 years.
I didn't know much about narcissism either. I just thought that he was
just like his mother. In fact, the whole family would sit around the
kitchen table and talk about other people especially anyone that had
married into the family. Who was a slob, a nymph, a drunk everyone
got a label. We moved away from the family and after my mother-
in -law didn't have time to speak to our children on Christmas day,
my husband stopped speaking to her. That lasted for over 20 years.
All through out our marriage, my husband's biggest emotion is anger.
There's no point arguing with him because he turns into a raging bull.
His eyes look like their going to pop out of his head, his face turns
red as a beet and what comes out of his mouth is vile. We've been to
counseling and the only time he has cried was when he talked about
his parents. It's sad to hear because he only wanted them to love
him. He spent the rest of my mother-in-laws' life giving her whatever she
wanted. After 31 years of marriage, I no longer existed. Finally he had
an affair. He didn't do much to hide it, in fact he flaunted it. When my
mother-in-law died my children begged me to call him because he was
alone. I did feel sorry for him and we reconciled. Big mistake. We
both had gone to lawyers and when I was served with papers, I
couldn't believe the vile thing he said about me. My oldest daughter
was getting married at the time and I knew that the wedding would
be a disaster. Growing up with her father wasn't pleasant and I felt
she deserved a happy wedding day. Well that was 2 years ago and
my husband and I got along OK. We bought a house in Florida and
spent most of the winter there. My husband has never admitted that
he had an affair. He claims they were just friends. Thats why he got
Viagra. It's amazing, he doesn't even tell good lies. In counseling,
I was told that my husband would rather put a gun to his head than
admit he had an affair or say he was sorry. My husband and his
"good friend" spent New Years of 2001 with mutual friends of ours.
(now just his friends) They all shacked up together in a condo.
Guess who started calling when we got home from Florida? His
shack up buddy. And guess who my husband called? His "good
friend".  When I questioned him about it, he first said he never called.
Two hours later, he claimed that his buddys wife called to ask her
out for a drink. At 3:46 AM ? and last was he was just checking to see
if I was still checkinf the phone bill. I finally did something I never
thought I would do. I packed up my car and drove to Florida alone.
It was hard enough going back with him the first time. There were
times that I couldn't stand to even look at him. Having to face every-
one that knew was humiliating. I'd be driving in my car and start to
cry for no reason. Well, I'm not crying this time. I think I'm just
numb. I can't even imagine what my husbands childhood was like
but I can't change it and neither can he. It's sad. We have three
children ans six grandchildren but I can't live with him any longer.
Whatever feelings I had for him are long gone. You seem to have
a better outlook than me. I wish you the best

[geekgirl]

I also loved your letter - but I would like to add something I think about.

Who are we that we are attracted to and stay with such partners?  Insecure and ready to believe anyone who tells us we are great only because of them?  
  At least they tell us we are ok when we heed them, and we take the tablescraps rather than live with the idea we might simply be bad/failures/unlovable etc.  

Part of breaking away I think is dealing with who we are that somehow it was okay for someone to treat us the way the narcissist does - and to understand what we were getting when we were in a relationship with a narcissist.

I do not mean that anyone should ever accept a life in the shadow of a narcissist - it's phenomenonally unheathy for anyone.  I do mean that to move on to the right kind of healthy life we need to work on that which makes us so vulnerable to an unhealthy one.

[Jaded911]

I thought your letter was very interesting as well.  Isn't it funny how we have feelings that something just isnt right with these people, yet we continue to emotionally and mentally give to them.  I know why I did this, however it does not make me a weak person.  I compare my episode with my N like being abducted into a cult.  

I read alot about individuals who are drawn into a cult and to me Narcissism just compares to this.  You know when your relationship first began you tried to learn every thing about that person.  They were also learning everything about you as well.  But the difference between the N and a normal person is that when you were learning about them as a person, they were learning all about your needs and insecurities so that they could use them as future ammunition.

I now know that every word I told my N he stored only to use it at a later date.  Not to learn about me as a person, but to learn how to get to me as a person.  To break my spirit, to make me more susceptible to his control and manipulation.  Didn't you all think you were going crazy?  Did you all think, damn they must be right about it being my fault because they have a little vilidity to their accusations?  My N was great at putting a small portion of the truth behind every accusation he made about me.  

It is mind control.  Nothing could closely compare to a cult then a relationship with a N.  They warp your mind, or try to anyway.  If your mind can not be easily warped, they move on.  They move on to an easier prey.  I now know that I have a great sense of reality.  I can not be forced to believe that a black and white cat is a zebra.  I call it a cat and I refuse to allow someone to force me to believe it is a zebra.  Yes it might be black and white, but it meows, and it no where compares to a zebra.  He tried to convince me that something was not what it truly was and I refused to sucumb to his dysfunctional beliefs.  Needless to say, after two years, he quickly decided that I gave him to much of a challenge.  I guess I should consider myself lucky that he decided to move on.  But you know, being rejected by a reject is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with.  Nothing I have endured throughout my lifetime has prepared me for this cult like experience.