Explain to me

[EC]

This N-thing is exhausting.

I am just starting to cope with this whole Nfather thing and now I am getting pressure from the family. I have been distant to my father and the tension has been extreme. So it appears now my father is "not feeling well." This is freaking me out.

Please explain to me that this is a ploy.

Explain to me how pathetic his actions are.

Explain to me why he doesn't have the balls to ask me.

Explain to me why he can not see that I am hurting.

Explain to me why I owe anything to a man who was never there for me.

Explain to my why I should give a shit.

Explain to me why he is so warped.

Explain to me what his motivation is.

Explain to me why I owe anything to a  man who has destroyed my life.

Explain to me why I have to be locked in to dealing with this person.

Please explain anything to me that is normal here.

This is such bull. They screw us up and then continue to pick our remains like vultures. Nothing is ever enough for them.

EC

[EC]

It's me again. Forgot to add. How should I handle the family who is trying to guilt me?

EC

[bunny]

Please explain to me that this is a ploy.

Explain to me how pathetic his actions are.

Explain to me why he doesn't have the balls to ask me.

Explain to me why he can not see that I am hurting.

Explain to me why I owe anything to a man who was never there for me.

Explain to my why I should give a shit.

Explain to me why he is so warped.

Explain to me what his motivation is.

Explain to me why I owe anything to a  man who has destroyed my life.

Explain to me why I have to be locked in to dealing with this person.

Please explain anything to me that is normal here.

You don't owe him anything but you may feel a familial attachment and obligation. This isn't wrong or bad. However an attachment and a family obligation don't require martyring yourself, becoming his slave, being emotionally blackmailed, etc. All of that can be rebuffed/blocked.

You know "why" he pulls these stunts but the issue is ambivalence and fears that you will be held responsible if he gets sick(er).

How to deal with a guilt-tripping family. Have responses ready for them. If they say, "What are you doing to dad? What's your problem?" You can say, "I'm upset with him." If they say, "Well, it's making him sick," you can reply, "I can't make anyone else get sick. I hope he gets better." If they persist, "Yes! You HAVE made him sick! etc." Just repeat, "Sorry, I don't believe that. I understand that you feel this way but I don't agree." Stand very firm and don't let yourself lose it. Then you will gain some grudging respect from these people and they'll think twice before trying to guilt you. Firmness and having boundaries is the key.

I was once blamed for my N-MIL having a stroke because I didn't phone her, or some trivial thing. There was a lot of pressure for me to admit that I caused it. I refused to agree; I felt it was blackmail. I stood firm even though I internally wondered, "Gee - did I give her a stroke?" due to the guilt-tripping. She had many more strokes and no one blamed me again.

bunny

[Anonymous]

EC,

Explain? That would mean that what your Nfather is doing makes sense and that you're just not getting the sense in what he does or thinks. There's no logical way to explain the N mind, as you probably know so I don't think it's explanations that you're looking for. Maybe you're looking for justification or support from other family members because you've decided not to join in the collective insanity that N's create. You probably won't get that support anytime soon, but that's not something you can control. You have to do it alone.

As Bunny said, there's a form of emotional blackmail going on. But blackmail implies that you've done something wrong and facing reality even though others aren't ready to do so isn't wrong. My suggestion for handling the guilt is to forget about looking for support and just accept that you may have come to a realization about your Nfather that others in your family may not, and maybe never will be ready to accept. That's lonely, but there's peace in it.

Singer