Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Being happy in the moment
lighter:
I realized today, not for the first time, that being happy right where my feet are is the primary factor involved in my serenity.
If I have anything else cross my mind, and grab hold of it, then I'm off track. Again.
Just doing doing doing in the zone isn't a switch being flipped....
it's me getting out of my own way, and NOT being sidetracked.
REFUSING to be sidetracked is it's own thing, IME. It takes energy to refuse.
THE BEING IN THE ZONE is just being without anything else going on, IME.
I have an aversion to the word meditation. It bothers me... disturbs me... not sure why. BC it FEEEEEELS like someone somewhere used that word to mystify and confuse other people? That's how it feels to me, and I deeply resent that we aren't taught how to do that from a very young age. I'm deeply upset my children don't do it, though they were lucky to be exposed at a very young age. This isn't a rational whole body resentment... it's my inner child stomping her foot.
My sister left today with my oldest DD16 with her. They'll stop to see cousins midway, then move on to Toronto for a week. I feel relieved that DD will have herself to depend on, bc I have a hard time just letting her care for herself. It's a process for me to STOP doing for her, reminding her about supplements, bedtime, time on electronics, etc. I realize it's exhausting to do, and also exhausting to NOT do it. s
We've been working on splitting up chores. Travel hasn't made it easier. I NEEEED everyone to be in the groove before school starts, and I neeeed to not lose my cool while we work on it, and neeeed neeed need.
The word NEED is a red flag, that's what it is.
I know this.... I have to spend some time figuring out what I want, what brings joy, and gently release other people's expectations without reacting to them in any way....
::knocking wood::
Over the last month I've not had any very low spots, thank goodness, bc I do remember to pay attention to whatever is bugging me, and it very quickly gets better. That's one thing I've held on to, and want to explore, expand, etc.
It's difficult for me to stop doing for others. I can very easily push myself to the bottom of my list. That's my fault, not anyone elses, though I do get frustrated with others I notice.
The thing is..... having many people around is a huge distraction, esp when you add the SHOULDS/HAVE TOs of being a mother, sister, daughter, friend.... being tugged in so many directions, and I feel I'm getting better at this, by increments, just a slow learner.
I can say NO, and should say NO. Saying YES feels better. off the top of my head.. we all do what feels good, I suppose. I have to just suck it up, and say NO more often. I have to say it before I'm frustrated. I think I'm entitled to say it, but I take too much on, and I'm always last on the list it seems.
Actually, I've been saying NO, and choosing things that bring me joy over the last week pretty steadily. There are just bobbles where I have to say NO, and worse, say NO to many people at once that upset me very much... that's when I remember to pay attention to the anxiety, and relieve the pressure.
I'd like to be able to skip the anxiety when I say NO, and just feel OK about it. That's the mission as of today.
To say NO without angst, and to make sure my operating systems are my own, and not other people's expectations, etc.
Making peace with big change is another thing, of course. That has to happen too, IME.
The journey continues.
Light
Twoapenny:
The changes can be difficult, Lighter, and it is hard to hold on to what you're trying to do in the hubble and bubble of everything else that needs to be done. Life gets in the way of our self improvement :) I find 'yes' trips out of my mouth so easily. I've had to practise saying "I need to check my diary, I'll let you know" just to give myself some space to think about whether I want to say yes or no. I've noticed just this weekend that I often think to myself "well, we'll just have to cope" when I'm contemplating doing something that might be hard going. And equally, just this weekend, I've found myself thinking, "I don't want to cope. I want to enjoy what I'm doing and have some comfort and some easy days in my life". I think juggling so many things - and therefore becoming good at coping - often contributes to saying yes more often than we should. People in the UK often say if you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. They just add it to the list and get on with it.
I'm finding it easier to say no but still struggling with friends who then fall by the wayside because I refused something. I still find that feeling of being disposable difficult to deal with. But we get there, don't we.
I hope DD has a good time away. It is difficult to step back from the endless task of organising them and telling them what to do. I am trying to step back from my own son at the minute. I did get him to tidy up his toys before bedtime tonight and he didn't complain (well, not much :) ).
Keep on keeping on :) xx
lighter:
Recent update....
Something jarred me the other day, and it struck me....
I'm SO in my own way.
What I've been doing will never get me through, and out the other side.
I went to bed that night, had a truly awful dream... no making sense of it, then remained in bed the entire day. I let all my fears catch me. Without defense or struggle. Just wash over me all day long. No food....just acceptance.
The next day I got up early without trouble and had a productive day.... what I'd normally call "being in the zone", but this wasn't the same thing, IME.
This felt like I was inhabiting my authentic self again. No planning or talking about it, just inhabiting it. It didn't feel like it did when I used to recognize my old self for a time, on and off.
Not good or bad. I just DID what I used to do... felt the same joy, and energy...... enjoyed the familiar cadence of life as it used to be... and skipped regrets when they could have popped up. They never entered my mind.
After dinner I tried to write this post, and I had several good cries. I didn't finish the post. Instead I washed my face, put on good skin cream, flossed and went to bed feeling light, and happy.
Maybe I got out of my own way.
Maybe better coping strategies are sinking in.
Maybe enough time has passed..... maybe the other shoe doesn't always have to fall when I let my guard down.
Maybe I can play again, like I used to, and things will be OK, like they used to.
Maybe.
We'll just have to see.
Lighter: )
Twoapenny:
Wow, that sounds like something shifted and in a very big and obvious way, Lighter! I hope it continues to be so, and that life becomes a little easier (and more fun!) xx
Hopalong:
Ditto everything Tupp said, Lighter!
Sometimes letting go of tight control is the hardest AND most helpful thing to do for yourself.
Painful, but it prepares the ground for inner peace.
Hugs,
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version