Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Being happy in the moment
lighter:
Another thing that keeps me off center.... has KEPT me off center for years.....
having other people move, pack, unpack, and move my stuff around so that I can't find anything unless I accidentally find it while searching for something else. I noticed, not with emotion, how many times today I couldn't find things I was looking for.
If I'd counted, I'd say it would have been over 20. Most of the time I give up, and go on without finishing whatever it was I needed or wanted to do or get done..... feelings of being thwarted could have been a part of my day, had I allowed it. I think I used to feel thwarted, and defeated.... in so many ways. Other people parenting my children with different priorities, and agendas. OMG, HUGE deal. Not being able to find my skin care products, make up, candles, matches, essential oils, pots, pans, food items..... SO many of my daily items were moved around last week. So. Many. To different rooms, and I'm ready to let that go now. I'm just say'in.... I noted THAT, without emotion, for the first time today, and how not being able to find my things leads to purchasing new things that get hidden and tucked away, leading to a very unproductive cycle. I'm over it, but ready to tackle, and end it, kwim?
Part of feeling in the zone seemed to be about not hearing chatter of other people in my head. I was happily going about my day, doing what was important TO ME, and no one was pressuring me to DO what they needed, and I didn't feel the need to consider anything but what was important to me. SO familiar.... what used to be the way I operated was disrupted by motherhood, of course, and then chaos and one crisis after another so I couldn't even feel myself in my own body on and off for years.
I have people close to me that have NEEDS of their own.... in order to feel OK for themselves, they NEEEEEEEED things important to them to GET DONE. I'm very responsive, and need everyone to be OK. I say YES, and act before thinking, Tupp.... much like you. I'm working on it, and doing pretty well, I think: )
THAT seemed to be the biggest part of my zen, IMO, or what came up as true about it.
Thanks for your posts Tupp, and Hops. It feels so good to puzzle through this here: )
Lighter
lighter:
Today the friend recovering from his binge phoned.... slurring badly..... talking about his prayers for reflexes, and balance to return. He's an amazing athlete and salesperson, but the drugs that prevent stroke while detoxing, make him sound overtly drunk. WILL they come back after this? Will he think clearly again? He's sharp as a tack typically. It was frightening to contemplate. He's frightened.
He drinks when riding 60 miles on his bike, swimming for an hour, or working too hard fails to make him feel OK. He's been sober for years, on and off again then BAM. To the hospital or morgue, and so far it's the hospital.
He hasn't been able to change old brain pathways, and it's unclear what it will take to do that. Or if he can.
Today, just listening to him and not talking I was reminded of the friend I lost to addiction, or complications of it a while back. I really hated that feeling....
it was like something dark and awful slithered into my brain, and froze there. I didn't feel that way before today... not with him.
Anyway, the short of this is....
We've known each other for over 40 years. We're chosen FOO actually, long distance touchstones in weekly life, and darkest hours. There have been some very dark hours. We've loved each other's mothers together, and lost them both recently. Mourned them together. Walked each other through divorces, and break ups, and.....
he put his house up, as did both our mothers, to ensure I got out on bond in 2008.
Long and short of it.... for 20 years I've told him he needs to give up his attachments to old girlfriends and wives so he has space to build new relationships. I've always left myself off that list.
Today he let me know his very good AA friend has always had me on the above list.
I think it's necessary. I can see that now bc he's going to die without radical change.
It's painful to lose a childhood friend....
someone who accepts you, even though they know the worst. In my world, that's a very short list.
I'm going to frame it as positively as I can..... I might find the space to build new attachments too.
Lighter
lighter:
Friend phoned today with "bad news".....
he fell while trying to care for dogs.
There are fractured bones, with one bad cut.
What I thought he was going to say....
We need to take a break from our friendship, or just end it.
It made my stomach flip.
After his update, I found myself wishing it could have been the relationship conversation. I'm much calmer about it now, for sure. He'll be on the mend when we have it.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Wow, Lighter, it is a real punch in the stomach when that situation arises that someone says you are on of the things they must let go of. It's hard to let go of people who've been through a lot with you. If he does feel he needs to for a while I'm hoping he might be able to work through his stuff and then get back in touch. Some friendships can survive the separation, others don't make it. Addiction is like the third person in the relationship, I feel. I've lost some good friends to addiction, physically and metaphorically. In a way I can understand needing to cut off all ties in order to deal with whatever is at the root of it. But it's tough to hear. And tough for him to go through. I hope he can find a way out without pushing you out xx
lighter:
Tupp:
It was a punch to the gut, but it's not that anymore. It's a relief to know that my friend will be better off IF he has space to build healthy new attachments to women.
If there's growth, and I have every reason to believe my friend can do this.... we can connect again. I'm certain: )
Lighter
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version