Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Being happy in the moment
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on August 16, 2017, 10:59:47 AM ---Tupp:
It was a punch to the gut, but it's not that anymore. It's a relief to know that my friend will be better off IF he has space to build healthy new attachments to women.
If there's growth, and I have every reason to believe my friend can do this.... we can connect again. I'm certain: )
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Yep, there's one of those memes floating round the internet at the moment, something about letting things go and the things that you're meant to have will come back to you. What I've found hard about letting go of those looooooong standing relationships is that you never have to explain a situation, they've been there for each one and they know what happened. Which I suppose is also one reason they can become unhealthy. I'm glad you're feeling okay with it and I hope your friend is able to help himself and get better xx
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
My friend sounds steady and rational today, which bodes well for researching recovery paths.
I'm thinking Amen Clinics to address whatever chemical imbalances, and brain problems are at the root, but I'm not making decisions here. According to Amen Clinics there are 6 types of addicts, and different parts of the brain are involved with each. Treatment should be specific the individual, which makes sense to me.
Whatever they do, it needs to be a mindful choice my friend can get behind, and work with.
Lighter
lighter:
Update on friend's surgery... all went well, and he's home recovering.
I didn't have to say that it wasn't a good idea for him to convalesce with me, he said it himself. He's going to AA meetings, and I sent him information about another program... he asked me to send it. I've stopped volunteering things when not asked.
I've already told him we need to disconnect for a while, but I don't know that he heard it. It feels OK, and he'll understand, with plenty of support from his friends and brother, when it happens.
This is huge work for me to say things that are uncomfortable. I'm noticing it everywhere in my life, and how it negatively effects me to remain silent or NOT say what needs to be said. I'm doing things outside my comfort zone, and practicing. Talking about it with my children, bc it effects everything in the house.
I had a good chat with T about it, and it's an interesting thing to have another human being BE so angry about things I SHOULD BE ANGRY ABOUT, but can't find it in myself to BE angry, bc the need for serenity is so overhearing and huge.
Somehow I have to find the balance, but getting there is a whonky process, IME.
I notice that I've always been intimidated by people with healthy boundaries, and the ability to just say things that might bring conflict. It's so uncomfortable just thinking about it. So many shades of conflict, and what's healthy and less healthy, etc. Trying to BE the people who've intimidated me all my life is interesting. It feels very odd to me.
The journey continues.
Lighter
lighter:
It's a very painful journey to honestly assess one's life, and the people in it, IME.
I can label myself "adverse to controversy" and I can admit I go against my own interests in order to avoid conflict, but that's just the beginning.
The people in my life who exert power over me, have always done so, raised me that that way..... the ones who still exert power, or try to, over me...
it's very hurtful to take honest stock, IME.
Then comes the shame of admitting what part I've played, and how it's formed my life, and relationship, esp with my children.
It ties into the parts I played in both my marriages, and what came next.
This kind of honest exploration takes it's toll on my immune system, as does living with the conflict that is catalyst.
I'm going to stop making old mistakes, as I learn to do better. I'm going to have to learn to make new mistakes.
::nodding::
The sense of relief accompanying that statement inhabits my entire chest.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Lighter, I think these, big, soul searching shifts are painful. It's interesting that you mention having to look at your own role, Sea said something similar and I know I've found/find having to accept my part in a situation very tough to do.
I saw a shamanic healer once, a few years ago now. I got there expecting a bloke covered in war paint and wearing a grass skirt (just shows how basic my cultural appreciation is!) and this fella looks like a surfer, long hair and tatts and came to the door in jeans and bare feet :) Nice guy, I enjoyed working with him. I was talking to him about avoiding conflict and how I tend to keep quiet instead of speaking out. He said it's important to speak, because what you say might be a turning point for someone else or give them an opportunity to learn a lesson. For me, it was an interesting way to look at things.
I'm still careful about what I say a lot of the time. I don't like conflict - a decade of harassment after annoying my mum put paid to that - and I don't want to be the sort of person that tramps all over people's feelings, or constantly gives out unsolicited advice. But I am/have been trying not to worry so much about 'the other person' all the time and speak up a bit more often. I suppose it's a case of picking your battles and thinking which times it's in your best interests to say something and when it won't make any difference anyway.
Sorry, rambling on a bit, it's a bit early here, but just wanted to say it as I thought of it whilst reading your post :) x
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