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I am reacting strongly to my sister inheriting a lot of money.
sea storm:
Thank you dear people for your wonderfully helpful insights and support. It is true that the rich auntie was a bona fide narcissist and she has sent out her final thunderbolt and sent the family into a spin. Winners and losers. Of course i am a loser however I will send back her poisonous gift of shame and exclusion with a tiny card that says thanks but no thanks. I can thank you guys for helping me restore my balance and feel ok again.
My daughter was too busy to call and she is moving back out west if she can swing it. She is also swamped with PHD last minute changes to her thesis and she defends her thesis on September 13. She came to visit for two nights and it went really well. At one point we were sitting on the couch together and she put her head on my shoulder and it was the sweetest thing. She cried when she left and told me she misses me. So I was manufacturing all the rejection in my head. Not all of it but most. She also talked about how hard it is to be with her dad because the deep conversation never comes, instead he prefers to talk to a handyman that he has never met. Even though he is probably dying.
Last night I had a dream and I was yelling at him and telling him what a bastard he is and was and will always be. I woke up kind of freaked out about being so blatantly angry. Now I think I don't want to be consumed by a narcissist. I want my own life and I am not so depressed that I will just take scraps. No more just taking scraps. Scraps of inheritance are not going to dominate my story or my life. Scraps of affection aren't what it is all about. I can let go of desperately wanting a sense of family and have life worth living. I actually enjoy my own company more often. Right now I am really self centred and paddling as fast as I can to make it to safe ground.You would laugh if you could see how sweet my life looks on the outside. But inside there are sharks circling.
I ran beside my three year old grandson on his bicycle yesterday and we went for nearly three blocks. What a funny sight we made. Him on his four wheeled horsie and me trying to keep up or stopping to pick blackberries. But it was the sweetest thing. Lily took the bridle and pulled him with it while he lifted up his feet. We went to the park and they were soooo happy. A running three year old is so adorable. His big sister has flaming red hair and she was busy going in circles on a spinning tire. Good to remember that adults are really nuts.
I am not speaking to my sister. I can't stand it. The money talk is putrid and heartbreaking. There is no way out of it. and I must deal with my greed and disappointment. I told her I don't want any money and she can stuff it. It is better that way.
It amazes me how I am thrown back to my childhood where I lived under her very bossy domination. She was particularly controlling and still is, one of the qualities i least like. I realize I am the creative one who burns the rice but I want to enjoy what life I have left to live. Even if I am overweight, even if I am alone, even if I am not rich, even though I am forgetful and distractable, even if ........ well you get the drift.
I also realize that I am no angel and must see my part in this. I am not able to be supportive anymore for my bi polar sister. I can't handle it and she doesnt want professional help. It is a rollercoaster ride I am too old and tired for. THE RAGES AND THE PARANOIA.
This reminds me of the old song.. Im soooooo tired. Forget where it comes from.. Bernadette Peters sings in a bar in the wild west.
Love you guys and gynes,
Sea
lighter:
--- Quote from: sea storm on August 25, 2017, 02:45:16 PM ---
Sea:
You had a lovely visit with your DD and grandchildren.... your day outside with them sounded so nice. I enjoyed reading about it.
About your anger at DD's father..... it's OK to be angry, and it's OK to process it as white hot energy.... whatever you need to do. Write him a letter you won't send, or journal about it, paint it out, but maybe finish HAVING it for yourself. You're entitled to all your emotions. They're a part of you, and they belong.... need to be heard, or they lurk and haunt us, IME. I'll have to finish processing anger too, at some point.
The touching moment with your DD was a relief to read. My oldest 16yo dd and I cried today, so many mixed signals and missed opportunities to connect, old wounds and history getting in the way of conversations in the present, IME. It's painful when clear communication isn't a habit, IME. I'm glad you had those moments after all the worry in your previous posts regarding her not coming to see you.
I also realize that I am no angel and must see my part in this. I am not able to be supportive anymore for my bi polar sister. I can't handle it and she doesnt want professional help. It is a rollercoaster ride I am too old and tired for. THE RAGES AND THE PARANOIA.
You can't save your sister. Withdrawing with love might put her in more discomfort, perhaps enough that she does seek out some professional help? Not sure, but putting distance in place, bc you need it, is OK. You might put more or less distance in place later on, as clarity settles for you. You can love her the way you need to, not the way she wants you to, and that's OK too, IME.
This reminds me of the old song.. Im soooooo tired. Forget where it comes from.. Bernadette Peters sings in a bar in the wild west. Was it Madeline Kahn singing it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZnzYaboUkY
In Blazing Saddles, I think.... I love that song: )
Lighter
Love you guys and gynes,
Sea
--- End quote ---
sea storm:
Thank Lighter
Yep I am tired. Ha ha ha. That is one funny video and so true. Thanks for posting it.
I am angry at dying ex. White hot mad and it is just coming out of my dreams and squashing me during the day so that I can hardly get out of bed. Now this is happening even though I had a lovely visit with lots of deep connection with my daughter and her family. I had forgotten how complex and difficult it is to share my child with this man. I don't want to be harnessed to that old plow and I will try some of the things you suggested.
Being angry at a dying person. ............. I keep dreaming that we are having that final deep conversation but all I can do is scream and rave at him and wake up shaking, disappointed and ... missing him. I mean the golden good person in him that never quite made it to the surface. nevertheless, I was madly in love and super bonded. All the stuff I tried to stuff down and now here it is. It is spoiling the present moment. Laughing at this.
thank you thank you for listening and caring enough to respond and help.
Sea
lighter:
Sea:
Your relationship with your dd isn't what the anger is about.
I'm trying to say, however poorly, that you shouldn't be so critical of yourself. You said the anger is strong "even though you had lovely visit with deep connections with dd."
Lovely connection with dd does not = feeling less anger towards the ex, IMO.
Lovely connection = feeling less distress and fear in your life. It's a wonderful thing. It = less distraction while you deal with the anger, IME.
The anger is the distraction, from lovely connection, that needs dealt with now.
I wish I had Hops ability to speak with clarity.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I'll try to help Lighter. Anger, being a specialty of mine - LOL.
It's perfectly possible for you to be really angry at your ex - and simultaneously have such a good time visiting with your D, Sea. This sounds like the long, slow anger that burns a long, long time it's so strong - and it's possible to damp it down to take time out to really enjoy yourself and others. Especially since you're angry over long past events, perhaps also - the anger is related to the end of his life too? Angry that time is running out to fix things or make amends or even come to some enlightment of understanding perhaps?
I'm still angry at Mike - and it's soon he'll be gone 2 years now. But on the scale of anger or life-altering reasons for anger... it's not that intense anymore. I NEVER try to "manage" my anger - I have to feel it searing through me like some deadly cosmic ray - and let it dissipate on it's own; or I'll have physical boomerang effects from trying to avoid it. Same with grief. And I guess, it's possible you might even grieve the old nemesis... and so a "pre-grief" phase might be fueling your anger too.
Possibilities to consider.
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