Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

I am reacting strongly to my sister inheriting a lot of money.

<< < (2/4) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Hang in there Sea! It's another day to try to do something differently or see it differently.

(I don't think you're those things you called yourself, in any amount more than normal human reflex. I too, envy some people, resent & fear some others - but not to the point that I can't enjoy them. When someone won't LET me enjoy them... well, there are a LOT of people on this planet.)

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sea storm on August 20, 2017, 11:03:45 AM ---Thank you for your replies. Feeling the calm and care and wise words helps a lot and I read the posts several times.
It isn't about the money comes through and the relationship just got amped up because of the catalyst. So hard for me to take responsibility for my part and it is not a pretty picture. Apparently, I am selfish, greedy, envious  and resentful. So much so that I can't stand to even talk about it but I am talking about it.  Your kind words are helping me to get back my balance.

So many relationships are just imploding right now. My daughter is going through her own version of hell and although she is visiting her dying father, she is not coming to see me and is not talking to me. I have offended her. Since she lives in Ontario several thousand miles away I will miss seeing her. She didn't call or text or anything and on the day she is supposed to come there is no word. That is today. So I sent her a message saying whatever she needs to do is ok. It is my own fault that i went crazy cleaning up the house and buying groceries and getting stuff for the kids and finding things for them to do etc. Just have to let it go. I think it is all my fault but i sure cant fix the people I love and must let go. It is hard to be lonely but I must not be afraid.

I think it would be so great to work through these things with people I love and I don't want to be an obstacle in the way of their happiness. This will pass so I might as well not have a nervous breakdown over it but very tempting.

Sea

--- End quote ---

It's very hard, Sea, particularly when these big things hit all at the same time.  I'm sorry about your D and hope that things there get a bit easier.  I can get how her being focused on her dad would make her thoughtless (by not telling you she's not coming) and completely understand what it's like to put time and effort into something only for the other person not to turn up.  It does feel like a kick in the teeth.  I can only say the old, cliched thing, be kind to yourself, give yourself a treat, take yourself off to a spa or bookshop or down the pub, whatever it is you like to do.  Cry if you want to.  We're all here for you xx

One of the things I've found hardest to do is accept the less than perfect parts of my personality.  I have been called selfish, greedy, envious and resentful in the past, probably in much the same way as you have (because I voiced an opinion).  I have thought a lot about those things over the years and whether they really do apply to me.  I came to the conclusion that selfish and greedy definitely don't.  It's not selfish, or greedy, to put boundaries in place, refuse to do things or put up with abuse, or to want to be treated fairly.  It took me years to realise that I was being told I was selfish because I wanted safety and equality, basically.  Envious and resentful, yes, those things are me at times, as well as sometimes bitter, angry, hate filled (that one less so now but for quite a few years I was brimming over with hate for my mum and that really wasn't a nice place to be).  I also tend to blame other people for problems before I look to myself (victim mentality, sometimes).

I found it incredibly hard to accept that yes, some aspects of my personality aren't great but they are a part of my package and overall that package is a good one :)  There are things I would like to improve (and have improved on) but I definitely think that accepting my own faults has been one of the hardest parts of all of this for me.  So I am not saying that any of those things that you were told apply to you or are true about you but, if it did turn out that some of it is valid, it's not actually that big a deal.  We've all got a bit of that inside of us.  So again, I would say just try to be nice to yourself, Sea, and if some bits come up that you aren't keen on maybe just keep telling yourself it's okay to have a few mouldy bits :) xx

Hopalong:
Sea, I think $300K given intentionally to my sibling in a way that deliberately hurts/excludes me sure would make me temporarily selfish, greedy and resentful!

Jeez. We expect ourselves to be such paragons of virtue sometimes. You have lived through fear and real struggle. Plus all the toxic dynamics to boot.

So, you blew. It's terribly hard to forgive oneself for exploding, especially if one is at core a gentle person. I understand that. But keep at it...you know you deserve your own kindness. It's hardest to give when you most need it.

I forgive you.

love,
Hops

JustKathy:
Hi Sea,

N’s absolutely delight at the idea of using their wills to tear families apart. It sure sounds like your Aunt made a very calculated move, knowing the will would drive a wedge between you and your sister. My mother did something similar, and it worked. I think, for an N, the will is the final “f*ck you” that gives them comfort near the end. It gives them a sort of immortality. They may be gone, but they know their manipulation will continue. 

My father is still living, but my NM had the will changed before she died with the intention of driving a wedge between her three children. It worked. My brother, the GC, had been sole heir, but was completely disinherited because NM did not approve of his wife. I was also disinherited, though that came as no surprise. My sister will now inherit everything when my father passes. Her new status as GC and sole heir has changed her in ways I never would have imagined. She went from being a shy, quiet, downtrodden daughter, to suddenly assuming the position of Queen. She’s become as wicked as NM, and I don’t see her changing back. As with your sister, mine also feels entitled to control me. When she emailed me about the change in the will, she wrote, as executor, “I suppose I’ll try to be fair to you.” Man, that is so cold and condescending.

The damned thing about money is that we all need it. When one gets a huge amount and the other gets none, there are going to be problems. What I don't understand is how the child who is left out ends up blaming herself, or hating herself for simply speaking up in her own defense. Maybe it's a actually a good thing. We're sensitive to the feelings of others. We're not bad people; we've just been manipulated into thinking that we are. :(

Twoapenny:
Kathy that's a good point about Ns using wills as a final control, I hadn't thought of that.  My mum's disinherited all of us over the years, lol, I am quite sure she will have found a way to pass on her debts or something though :)

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page