This and That

[Twoapenny]

Oh Lighter, it sounds like so much hard work! Do you have to do so much of the work yourself?  Or be there at all?  Forgive my ignorance, I have almost no knowledge of refurbing properties in foreign lands.  It sounds like a big hassle.  As does dealing with the man who is like your father   Lol.

I hope it starts to unfold okay and that you can get some downtime to process and think (and withdraw a bit).  It sounds like a lot of work on all levels.  I would be hiding under a bush by now, I think.  I hope it is less problematic than it seems to be.  Is it a month that you think it will take to get everything sorted? xx

[lighter]

3 to 4 weeks is likely for the bulk of the big jobs.  Then there's triage of smaller projects every visit.

There will be three of us working.  I always work alongside and on certain jobs by myself.  That's the deal, and I couldn't afford to do this any other way.  I want to maximize value, and I enjoy the actual work. 

Maybe will become a great rental as BIL has name of stellar property manager on our side of island.  Maybe we'll all use it, and build happy memories before it sells. 

I do think of this as opportunity to carve out some new brain pathways.  I'll be channeling Zen mindfully, and with purpose.

I'm not content to deal with stress the way I always have.  I'm highly motivated to make change, bc not finding better ways isn't an option.

This is sink or swim, and it might not be pretty, but I'm going to float and move forward.

I'm wondering what advice I'd give you in this case. 

Probably....


Run.

Lighter


 

[Twoapenny]

Lol, Lighter, run is exactly what was going through my mind as I was reading it all, just the physical work and coping with the heat would have me running for cover, working on self as well - woo!!  But yes, I can see how you can turn it into an exercise and I guess the good thing about physical work is that you can work out anger, frustration, resentment or anything else that comes up as you're going along.  I get what you mean about needing new ways to deal with stress.  I've had a lot of that going on lately.  Maybe this will be your decluttering, of old habits and old ways of doing things? xx

[sKePTiKal]

Someone's blood, sweat & tears is required for the magic to happen at the end of the project, where you can look contentedly at everything and say: Look what WE DID. You're making memories.

And you're missing the coldest March weather I can remember in years, here. Lucky duck you.

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm carving new pathways...... and riding the old ones like short tidal waves.  I recognize them.  Sometimes I can't get off when i want, but I'm aware of them......

and then there's a shift....
sooner or later....
to curiosity, and the emotions quiet into pure attention.   

I begin wondering what happened to the other person..... enter compassion.  I used to DO this quite regularly.  Guess I didn't carve out deep enough grooves in me brain pan.  Oh well.  Will try adding again, mindfully, and seeing if it removes the triggers or stops the BEING triggered stuff.  Wouldn't that be amazing.

When I write about it here I feel very connected to myself, and to you guys. 

When I'm listening to you, and the others here, I feel very connected and in the moment.  I wonder how I can channel that INTO my brain and being all the time, alone, with a group, or one on one.  I know there's a very real shift INTO living in the moment, and then I'm DOING instead of thinking.  BEING rather than cycling through anything negative.

As I move through the ZONE, I notice I have my clothes washing machine back...
::hugging clothes washer... putting in another load::..
I notice my lovely clean bedding, and the details that make it lovely.

I notice my lovely moss carpet..... it's CARPET GUYS!  It used to be gun shot through with grass and weeds, but it's perfectly carpeting much of my yard now...... I wanted that so much.  Now I have it.  I'm enjoying it.  It's enough, and I look forward to working in it, on it, with it.  It brings me pleasure.

Looking up recipe for home ade pancakes this morning for youngest DD.... making the batter.... trading off that duty with oldest dd to take out her Pug...... listening to her happily stirring, and commenting and looking forward to making. 

Walking the pug, who really had to go by that time, and so did her business with economy of motion..... very nice.  I picked up sticks, looked at the large and small downed branches in my yard, and my neighbor's yards.  Looked at the little creek bed I need to clean out.  Thought about when I could happily return to that work.... it's a balm in the middle of all the renovation lists, orders, POs, and figuring out how to GET it TO the island.  Consolidation paperwork is ongoing.... always adding new venders..... I worry I'll miss large and small things that set us back, and break my heart over and over on this trip.  And WILL it break my heart? 

I think..... I can always fix that.  I shouldn't worry about things I can fix with money.  I need to remember what's RIGHT in my life, and stay focused on that.... shift into problem solving mode during planned times only.

I want to LIVE and be PRESENT in a moment that is about abundance, and safety. 

I don't want to live in fear, and worry about what COULD happen.  IS there a snake under that twig?  Maybe.  IS there a shark in the water, or is that a different water creature?  We're geared to anticipate danger so we don't lose our place on the food chain..... so we don't get crushed by large animals, etc.

I remember the divorce, and what came after.... it FELT like the devil was chasing me.  RIGHT ON ME, just behind me, able to touch my shoulder.  Other times it felt like I was teetering on a very high cliff, wind whipping my hair into my eyes, nose and mouth..... I couldn't see, and if I shifted at all, I might fall. 

I think that was a very real personification of the droning anxiety buzz in my life ALL my life, perhaps most of our lives or all of our lives.... that watchful, fearful reptilian brain at work, hardwired for self preservation, but now unhelpful.... no.... now moving us away from homeostasis.  Maybe making it impossible.

I will identify the droning, the buzzing, the teetering, the being chased, and I will calm it with attention, and tame it into calm. 

I will identify that calm place, and claim it as my home, where I live, where I will teach my children to live, hopefully. 

I can STOP and DO something when I'm overwhelmed.  I can stop BEING overwhelmed.  It's a revelation to KNOW that is true, even as I struggle, and it goes in and out of focus.... that's how new brain pathways are forged.

I suppose mantras are powerful bc they bring us back to remembering, to our tools, to our bodies, to making changes we've  committed to making. 

Mantras, meditation..... prayer.... whatever works for'ya..... you (general) put it in place, think about the things that are good and right and lovely in your life, and try to stay there... get back to THERE..... live there most of the time.

I'm grateful to have this board, and you guys... Doc G... as touchstones in my life, bc, truly, these are the kinds of things that ground me in my present moments, and body. 

THESE are TOOLS for a good life.

::nodding::.

sKep:

I'm kinda sort near you right now, which means it's not so cold right now.  I go back to the island this month, but much to do to get to that point. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

I'm carving new pathways...... and riding the old ones like short tidal waves.  I recognize them.  Sometimes I can't get off when i want, but I'm aware of them......

and then there's a shift....
sooner or later....
to curiosity, and the emotions quiet into pure attention.   

I begin wondering what happened to the other person..... enter compassion.  I used to DO this quite regularly.  Guess I didn't carve out deep enough grooves in me brain pan.  Oh well.  Will try adding again, mindfully, and seeing if it removes the triggers or stops the BEING triggered stuff.  Wouldn't that be amazing.

When I write about it here I feel very connected to myself, and to you guys. 

When I'm listening to you, and the others here, I feel very connected and in the moment.  I wonder how I can channel that INTO my brain and being all the time, alone, with a group, or one on one.  I know there's a very real shift INTO living in the moment, and then I'm DOING instead of thinking.  BEING rather than cycling through anything negative.

As I move through the ZONE, I notice I have my clothes washing machine back...
::hugging clothes washer... putting in another load::..
I notice my lovely clean bedding, and the details that make it lovely.

I notice my lovely moss carpet..... it's CARPET GUYS!  It used to be gun shot through with grass and weeds, but it's perfectly carpeting much of my yard now...... I wanted that so much.  Now I have it.  I'm enjoying it.  It's enough, and I look forward to working in it, on it, with it.  It brings me pleasure.

Looking up recipe for home ade pancakes this morning for youngest DD.... making the batter.... trading off that duty with oldest dd to take out her Pug...... listening to her happily stirring, and commenting and looking forward to making. 

Walking the pug, who really had to go by that time, and so did her business with economy of motion..... very nice.  I picked up sticks, looked at the large and small downed branches in my yard, and my neighbor's yards.  Looked at the little creek bed I need to clean out.  Thought about when I could happily return to that work.... it's a balm in the middle of all the renovation lists, orders, POs, and figuring out how to GET it TO the island.  Consolidation paperwork is ongoing.... always adding new venders..... I worry I'll miss large and small things that set us back, and break my heart over and over on this trip.  And WILL it break my heart? 

I think..... I can always fix that.  I shouldn't worry about things I can fix with money.  I need to remember what's RIGHT in my life, and stay focused on that.... shift into problem solving mode during planned times only.

I want to LIVE and be PRESENT in a moment that is about abundance, and safety. 

I don't want to live in fear, and worry about what COULD happen.  IS there a snake under that twig?  Maybe.  IS there a shark in the water, or is that a different water creature?  We're geared to anticipate danger so we don't lose our place on the food chain..... so we don't get crushed by large animals, etc.

I remember the divorce, and what came after.... it FELT like the devil was chasing me.  RIGHT ON ME, just behind me, able to touch my shoulder.  Other times it felt like I was teetering on a very high cliff, wind whipping my hair into my eyes, nose and mouth..... I couldn't see, and if I shifted at all, I might fall. 

I think that was a very real personification of the droning anxiety buzz in my life ALL my life, perhaps most of our lives or all of our lives.... that watchful, fearful reptilian brain at work, hardwired for self preservation, but now unhelpful.... no.... now moving us away from homeostasis.  Maybe making it impossible.

I will identify the droning, the buzzing, the teetering, the being chased, and I will calm it with attention, and tame it into calm. 

I will identify that calm place, and claim it as my home, where I live, where I will teach my children to live, hopefully. 

I can STOP and DO something when I'm overwhelmed.  I can stop BEING overwhelmed.  It's a revelation to KNOW that is true, even as I struggle, and it goes in and out of focus.... that's how new brain pathways are forged.

I suppose mantras are powerful bc they bring us back to remembering, to our tools, to our bodies, to making changes we've  committed to making. 

Mantras, meditation..... prayer.... whatever works for'ya..... you (general) put it in place, think about the things that are good and right and lovely in your life, and try to stay there... get back to THERE..... live there most of the time.

I'm grateful to have this board, and you guys... Doc G... as touchstones in my life, bc, truly, these are the kinds of things that ground me in my present moments, and body. 

THESE are TOOLS for a good life.

::nodding::.

sKep:

I'm kinda sort near you right now, which means it's not so cold right now.  I go back to the island this month, but much to do to get to that point. 

Lighter

Lighter, for me trust is the reason I feel connected and in the moment when I write on here.  I trust all of you.  I trust everyone here to hear me, engage sensitively, to understand or to ask for more information if they don't understand.  I don't feel judged here, or like people are trying to second guess me or find a reason to dismiss me.  It's the only internet place I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos (in fact it's the only place full stop that I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos!).  Even the fact that Dr G just stays quietly in the background - on a lot of forums moderators or forum owners or whoever is doing the bulk of the work often become a sort of controlling presence - not deliberately, necessarily, but just because they spend a lot of time on there, and the space becomes theirs.  But even that doesn't happen here.  And that's why I think I can connect and be mindful here in a way I can't in real life because I don't feel like my spider senses need to be even vaguely switched on.  Total safety.  So maybe there's a hint of that for you?  Or maybe not

The moss carpet sounds amazing!  A living breathing life structure   Sounds incredible.

I get the thing about carving new pathways.  It takes so much time and repetition and sometimes life doesn't allow us that so we fall off and get back on the other horse   But it's still steps in the right direction.

And being chased by the devil - woo, I get that.  That feeling that if you stop for a second or miss one tiny footfall you'll be swallowed up.  Horrible and difficult to get away from when it's been your default mode for such a long time.  But slowly, slowly.  Maybe this beach house renovation will be a catalyst.  Stripping away, repairing, replacing, literally and metaphorically.  The old pathways coming away with the floorboards.  New ones being bolted in to place with the new shutters   Exciting times.  I think what I like are those moments when something subtle happens and you realise you didn't respond the way you used to.  Not planned, not practised but just happens quietly.  Something has shifted and just lets you know.  I like that.

Keep us posted with how it all goes, Lighter, I'm really looking forward to seeing how it progresses.  We're all there with you in spirit xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm carving new pathways...... and riding the old ones like short tidal waves.  I recognize them.  Sometimes I can't get off when i want, but I'm aware of them......

and then there's a shift....
sooner or later....
to curiosity, and the emotions quiet into pure attention.   

I begin wondering what happened to the other person..... enter compassion.  I used to DO this quite regularly.  Guess I didn't carve out deep enough grooves in me brain pan.  Oh well.  Will try adding again, mindfully, and seeing if it removes the triggers or stops the BEING triggered stuff.  Wouldn't that be amazing.

When I write about it here I feel very connected to myself, and to you guys. 

When I'm listening to you, and the others here, I feel very connected and in the moment.  I wonder how I can channel that INTO my brain and being all the time, alone, with a group, or one on one.  I know there's a very real shift INTO living in the moment, and then I'm DOING instead of thinking.  BEING rather than cycling through anything negative.   You know.... I've heard similiar information for years.... tried to assimilate much of it, lost a lot of it, and re heard it in ways that make more, and less sense to me.

It's the moments AFTER I've experienced huge stress that I remember, go back to, mine my brain, and environment for solutions.  When I recognize missed opportunities to apply skills I want to own, and wield on a regular basis, kwim?   

As I move through the ZONE, I notice I have my clothes washing machine back...
::hugging clothes washer... putting in another load::..
I notice my lovely clean bedding, and the details that make it lovely.

This morning I'm hustling to shop AC units with the contractor, who's shopped this place before.  We're bringing the electrician, and we'll have limited time to make decisions or not.  I'm completely calm and looking forward to the morning.  I've policed up the kitchen, tupperwared the huge pot of Carrot Ginger soup, taken stock of the damage sourdough wheat bread with dinner DID, and will always apparently DO to me.... toes on left foot cracking, jaw sore, toes on right foot sore... even some that never hurt before..... wheat is not my friend.  The point is, the tv is no running interference in the background.  I'm OK with silence, and moving through this hour with purpose, and as you say Tupp.... bouncing with energy to Do today.  It's nice.  I'm glad I notice it, and take it's measure.... why it's here, and perhaps how to sustain it with some regularity.  I hope it gets easier, and trust it will with so much darned practice.  I feel I practice as I share everyone's journey on the board, just as I note my mistakes and triumphs, attempts.

I notice my lovely moss carpet..... it's CARPET GUYS!  It used to be gun shot through with grass and weeds, but it's perfectly carpeting much of my yard now...... I wanted that so much.  Now I have it.  I'm enjoying it.  It's enough, and I look forward to working in it, on it, with it.  It brings me pleasure.

Looking up recipe for home ade pancakes this morning for youngest DD.... making the batter.... trading off that duty with oldest dd to take out her Pug...... listening to her happily stirring, and commenting and looking forward to making. 

Walking the pug, who really had to go by that time, and so did her business with economy of motion..... very nice.  I picked up sticks, looked at the large and small downed branches in my yard, and my neighbor's yards.  Looked at the little creek bed I need to clean out.  Thought about when I could happily return to that work.... it's a balm in the middle of all the renovation lists, orders, POs, and figuring out how to GET it TO the island.  Consolidation paperwork is ongoing.... always adding new venders..... I worry I'll miss large and small things that set us back, and break my heart over and over on this trip.  And WILL it break my heart? 

I think..... I can always fix that.  I shouldn't worry about things I can fix with money.  I need to remember what's RIGHT in my life, and stay focused on that.... shift into problem solving mode during planned times only.

I want to LIVE and be PRESENT in a moment that is about abundance, and safety. 

I don't want to live in fear, and worry about what COULD happen.  IS there a snake under that twig?  Maybe.  IS there a shark in the water, or is that a different water creature?  We're geared to anticipate danger so we don't lose our place on the food chain..... so we don't get crushed by large animals, etc.

I remember the divorce, and what came after.... it FELT like the devil was chasing me.  RIGHT ON ME, just behind me, able to touch my shoulder.  Other times it felt like I was teetering on a very high cliff, wind whipping my hair into my eyes, nose and mouth..... I couldn't see, and if I shifted at all, I might fall. 

I think that was a very real personification of the droning anxiety buzz in my life ALL my life, perhaps most of our lives or all of our lives.... that watchful, fearful reptilian brain at work, hardwired for self preservation, but now unhelpful.... no.... now moving us away from homeostasis.  Maybe making it impossible.

I will identify the droning, the buzzing, the teetering, the being chased, and I will calm it with attention, and tame it into calm. 

I will identify that calm place, and claim it as my home, where I live, where I will teach my children to live, hopefully. 

I can STOP and DO something when I'm overwhelmed.  I can stop BEING overwhelmed.  It's a revelation to KNOW that is true, even as I struggle, and it goes in and out of focus.... that's how new brain pathways are forged.

I suppose mantras are powerful bc they bring us back to remembering, to our tools, to our bodies, to making changes we've  committed to making. 

Mantras, meditation..... prayer.... whatever works for'ya..... you (general) put it in place, think about the things that are good and right and lovely in your life, and try to stay there... get back to THERE..... live there most of the time.

I'm grateful to have this board, and you guys... Doc G... as touchstones in my life, bc, truly, these are the kinds of things that ground me in my present moments, and body. 

THESE are TOOLS for a good life.

::nodding::.

sKep:

I'm kinda sort near you right now, which means it's not so cold right now.  I go back to the island this month, but much to do to get to that point. 

Lighter

Lighter, for me trust is the reason I feel connected and in the moment when I write on here.  I trust all of you.  I trust everyone here to hear me, engage sensitively, to understand or to ask for more information if they don't understand.  I don't feel judged here, or like people are trying to second guess me or find a reason to dismiss me.  It's the only internet place I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos (in fact it's the only place full stop that I don't feel overwhelmed by other people's egos!).  Even the fact that Dr G just stays quietly in the background - on a lot of forums moderators or forum owners or whoever is doing the bulk of the work often become a sort of controlling presence - not deliberately, necessarily, but just because they spend a lot of time on there, and the space becomes theirs.  But even that doesn't happen here.  And that's why I think I can connect and be mindful here in a way I can't in real life because I don't feel like my spider senses need to be even vaguely switched on.  Total safety.  So maybe there's a hint of that for you?  Or maybe not

The moss carpet sounds amazing!  A living breathing life structure   Sounds incredible.

I get the thing about carving new pathways.  It takes so much time and repetition and sometimes life doesn't allow us that so we fall off and get back on the other horse   But it's still steps in the right direction.  My Mother's Cousin once told me that there are two kinds of people in this world.  "Those that think nothing is their fault, and those that think everything is their fault... the second group is easier to fix."  I'm paraphrasing here, but that's stuck with me the last 25 years, and there's been truth in that for me.  I'm in the second category, and self reflection, of the negative sort, has been my constant companion.  I'm trying to lose the judgemental, reactive side of it.  I'm trying to just be curious... I say that a lot, I know, but I need reminding.  I just do: )

And being chased by the devil - woo, I get that.  That feeling that if you stop for a second or miss one tiny footfall you'll be swallowed up.  Horrible and difficult to get away from when it's been your default mode for such a long time.  But slowly, slowly.  Maybe this beach house renovation will be a catalyst.  IT will be catalyst, bc I refuse to let this time in my life be ruled by old negative unhelpful habits that rob me of joy.  I LIKE my contractor, and he so reminds me of my father, who like everyone else has his strengths, and weaknesses.  I'm going to slow down, refuse to react, and really choose my responses with compassion, for myself, and for everyone involved.  SO much stress, so much one on one time...... the introvert in me is making peace with that, and figuring out how to handle self care daily, despite what's going on.  I don't know how this will go, entirely, but I can tell you it will be with fresh eyes, and mindful responses.  ::nod::..Stripping away, repairing, replacing, literally and metaphorically.  The old pathways coming away with the floorboards.  New ones being bolted in to place with the new shutters   Exciting times. I'm excited too!  Not just afraid, and keeping one step ahead.  Excited: )  I think what I like are those moments when something subtle happens and you realise you didn't respond the way you used to.  Not planned, not practised but just happens quietly.  Something has shifted and just lets you know.  I like that.  I'm curious what it will feel like to BE mindfully curious all the time.  I wonder if it will be like wearing a pretend helmet, and allowing IN only what I choose to let in.  Will it be the end of chemical dumps, and emotional negative looping?  Lord, I hope so.

Keep us posted with how it all goes, Lighter, I'm really looking forward to seeing how it progresses.  We're all there with you in spirit xx
My finger completely healed 2 days after I returned from the island.  It's hardening where the skin flap got wet, stayed wet, and didn't heal.  I ended up cutting it off.  I wore the same bandade through the last 3 days on island.  Apparently the thing healed from the inside out, which wasn't how I thought it would go, but hey.... it healed.  It feels like that, sort of, as I move through this.  I thought coping would look different, BE different, include things outside myself, but it's not about that at all.  It's internal.  It feels like finding fins, or use my paddles.... rudder, whatever, correctly.  Not perfectly, but using them WITH the rest of the gear one uses with fins and sails, and paddles and rudders, kwim? 
So.
Many.
Moving.
Parts.

I'm not good at multi tasking, never have been. I never got my woman card; )

The journey continues.
Lighter

[lighter]

Ahhhh.... practice and opportunity are mine.

The first thing out of the box Sunday I was challenged, but quickly figured out how to notice what came up, shut it down, and go on with my beautiful day.  It had to do with trying to dial a phone number while someone was order me to do it, dial it, it's THERE, dial it, do it...... gerrrrr.

Later on I was reminded this won't be easy, and it's not.

It's not just about managing myself.

When the other person goes into a tail spin I have to figure out how to emotionally distance while they spin.  I went in and out of distance, and noticed everything turned out OK, like it always does.

I just have to trust, and refuse to spin emotionally too.

This is HUGE for me.  To remain centered where I used to spin too.

YES.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Here's to more refusing to spin, Lighter!  You sound very focused and aware of what might be happening, what you want to happen, what the old responses are, how new ones might be better.  I do think that just having in your mind that you want to notice more, observe, be curious helps us to see things differently.  React less, respond more, perhaps?  I am learning that I don't have to deal with things immediately.  It's okay to put it to one side for an hour, a day, a week - and then deal with it (although I'm sure that won't apply to your practical situations which sound like they need to be dealt with pronto!).  But it all sounds good.

I'm astonished at what wheat does to you!!  That's such a big reaction, although helpful as a reminder to avoid it where possible.  But I hope the unpleasantness of it has worn off quickly.  Little steps - physical, emotional, mental health, along with practical work.  A big shift coming, it seems, Lighter, I am looking forward to reading the next installment xx

[lighter]

Here's to more refusing to spin, Lighter!  You sound very focused and aware of what might be happening, what you want to happen, what the old responses are, how new ones might be better.  I do think that just having in your mind that you want to notice more, observe, be curious helps us to see things differently.  React less, respond more, perhaps?When I experience an adrenaline dump... an emotional jolt.... anything upsetting.... that's when I keep my mouth shut, and get very curious.  First I figure out WHAT just happened, and that seems to be calming all on it's own.  Reorienting myself to reach my goals comes next, THEN I respond, and that's so very much better: )  Then I respond with something helpful, rather than emotional negative looping taking over, and coloring my entire day.   I am learning that I don't have to deal with things immediately.  It's okay to put it to one side for an hour, a day, a week - and then deal with it (although I'm sure that won't apply to your practical situations which sound like they need to be dealt with pronto!). I think pausing for just a moment IS very helpful, Tupp.  Maybe HAVING to figure this out with so much pressure is the only way I can learn it?  Not sure, but it's a very necessary thing I can't put off.  The pressure is the catalyst, otherwise maybe I wouldn't focus so keenly. But it all sounds good.  I think it is good.  It feels as though the universe is smiling on me right now, in fact: )

I'm astonished at what wheat does to you!! Well, a sandwich from Wendy's once made my throat throw up a bunch of mucus... it just wouldn't stop coming!  Not from my stomach, so much, but maybe something my body produced bc I ate it?  It was the last fast food anything with bread I ate.... probably 2013..... I was a believer at that point, if my screaming toes and shoulder didn't send a painful enough message. /color] That's such a big reaction, although helpful as a reminder to avoid it where possible.  But I hope the unpleasantness of it has worn off quickly.  Little steps - physical, emotional, mental health, along with practical work.  A big shift coming, it seems, Lighter, I am looking forward to reading the next installment xx I'm trying to stretch daily.... not always managing.  I try to eat right..... I have to or I'll have big regrets, esp going into this situation. 

As the days go by I'm noticing I'm pretty calm.  I can do this.  I will do this; )

Thanks for the support, Tupp.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, it almost sounds as though dealing with the cottage on that island feels like forced exile for you. I'm sorry it's so daunting. You are gutsy.

And I totally believe that you'll endure what you have to take care of, and soon be back with the moss and the springtime and find all the order and beauty you can create. You're good at this!

Be sure to tell us when you take off so we won't worry...

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Here's to more refusing to spin, Lighter!  You sound very focused and aware of what might be happening, what you want to happen, what the old responses are, how new ones might be better.  I do think that just having in your mind that you want to notice more, observe, be curious helps us to see things differently.  React less, respond more, perhaps?When I experience an adrenaline dump... an emotional jolt.... anything upsetting.... that's when I keep my mouth shut, and get very curious.  First I figure out WHAT just happened, and that seems to be calming all on it's own.  Reorienting myself to reach my goals comes next, THEN I respond, and that's so very much better: )  Then I respond with something helpful, rather than emotional negative looping taking over, and coloring my entire day.   I am learning that I don't have to deal with things immediately.  It's okay to put it to one side for an hour, a day, a week - and then deal with it (although I'm sure that won't apply to your practical situations which sound like they need to be dealt with pronto!). I think pausing for just a moment IS very helpful, Tupp.  Maybe HAVING to figure this out with so much pressure is the only way I can learn it?  Not sure, but it's a very necessary thing I can't put off.  The pressure is the catalyst, otherwise maybe I wouldn't focus so keenly. But it all sounds good.  I think it is good.  It feels as though the universe is smiling on me right now, in fact: )

I'm astonished at what wheat does to you!! Well, a sandwich from Wendy's once made my throat throw up a bunch of mucus... it just wouldn't stop coming!  Not from my stomach, so much, but maybe something my body produced bc I ate it?  It was the last fast food anything with bread I ate.... probably 2013..... I was a believer at that point, if my screaming toes and shoulder didn't send a painful enough message. /color] That's such a big reaction, although helpful as a reminder to avoid it where possible.  But I hope the unpleasantness of it has worn off quickly.  Little steps - physical, emotional, mental health, along with practical work.  A big shift coming, it seems, Lighter, I am looking forward to reading the next installment xx I'm trying to stretch daily.... not always managing.  I try to eat right..... I have to or I'll have big regrets, esp going into this situation. 

As the days go by I'm noticing I'm pretty calm.  I can do this.  I will do this; )

Thanks for the support, Tupp.

Lighter

I think being able to stop and say nothing when 'things' are going on is such a good skill to have!  Yes, I agree, if it's possible to stop, think, work out the whys and wherefores (were they out of line?  Am I over reacting?  If they are out of line, does it matter?  Will it affect things going forward?  And so on) it can be so much easier then to deal with the situation or just leave it as it is if that feels better (and sometimes I think we have to concede the battle in order to win the war).  And yes, maybe the pressure at the moment will be what forces the change through, as it kind of seems like there's no other option at the moment?  A lot of practical work to do and it will only happen if you are able to observe and detach slightly, and change reactions/old pathways etc?

Calm is good.  Sometimes I think something inside us knows this is it and it calms us from the inside out.  But defo keep away from the wheat!  Awful that it makes you feel so poorly so I hope you are able to avoid and I look forward to reading more xx

[lighter]

Ahhh... I'm moving through this weekend like I have emotional training wheels on.  A little jerky, but rolling right along.

Everything is about identifying what's going on inside... as things come up.   I don't dismiss anything.  I honor everything.  I remain curious, and attentive.... sometimes I don't have to think about it.  It just happens.  That's feels great.

One thing that comes up is I sometimes feel I SHOULD soldier through, move faster, accomplish more... as was my habit to dismiss my needs/fears, etc.  To be stoic and keep moving, no matter what, is dropping away. 

I just did some paperwork today, that usually brings up huge anxiety, and you know what?  I picked it up when I was in a good frame of mind, and it was sort of a pleasure to get through it.  If there was anxiety I focused on it, and it dropped back and away just as quickly as it came up.  I have one more paperworky thing to do, outside the whole renovation stack (that's fairly well organized) and I just did the research and sent e mails to handle that on Monday.  No negative feelings about putting it off, which I did.  I simply didn't have to deal with it before this, and I chose my mental health over forcing myself.  Doing it now is, again, sort of a pleasure, bc I have touchstones for banishing the typical anxiety, shame, guilt spiral I'd usually struggle with.  Not this time.  I felt OK about putting it off.  I felt OK about picking it up.  I felt OK about working on it.  I'll feel OK about dealing with it tomorrow as well, bc I'll have the documents I need, and honestly...... it's not that big'a deal.  It used to feel overwhelming, to say the least, and I understand why that was.... it's just.... I don't want to live that way any longer.  I choose not to.

Shifting focus to what's going right is helpful.  Stopping and acknowledging anxiety and fear, as they come up, is super helpful.  It's like freeing up internal storage space for something new, and I'm going out into the yard to work and celebrate now: )

The next big project is necessary financial planning and perhaps one or two more large projects. My contractor indicated he's willing to consider heading these projects up, and I'm feeling very positive about it.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

This was inspiring to me, Lighter.
Hearing how you approach a task when you're just flowing, not judging whether you shoulda coulda woulda.

Thanks for this. You're being so very present in your life.

I'm a million miles from this but recall moments. Want them again.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thanks, Hops.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda still presses in, don't get me wrong.

Playing with it, noticing it is interesting.

Catching it, by the scruff of it's neck, before it gets inside my rib cage, is even more interesting.

Lighter