This and That

[Twoapenny]

((((Amber and Tupp))))  I'm so grateful for the hugs. 

This morning I was trying to put my very compromised Otterbox case on my new phone.  I'd broken out the hard plastic bits during a four year period with my now very broken phone. 

It was childlike.... I was sad watching myself do it.  Wrong size.  Wrong holes for toggles and phone..... but there I was, trying. 

I feel that sort of sums up the loast 18 years of my life.  I was that sort of child.  Hopeful.  Trying to make things work that had no possible chance of working out. 

Last year my youngest DD was watching Kill Bill with me.... and the scene where Uma Thurman is in the PussyWagon comes up..... Uma commands.... "Wiggle your big toe..." and DD says...

"She reminds me of you, Mom." 

I thought, What a strange thing for her to say. 

This morning.... I GOT it.  And.... I've been aware, for quite some time, I sometimes must do things the hard way.  I think it's part of the INFP external world MUST reflect my internal world programming.  Just the way I was made, or came to be formed, byut sometimes I CAN SEE what will happen if I choose to honor myself... and it's catastrophic.  Sometimes I see where hhonoroing myself or not.... catastrophe was going to happen.  I think that sometimes undermines the honoring stuff.... that it's backfired fantastically enough times..... I hesitate.... I flinch..... I fail.

I'm feeling very in touch with my child self today.... reflecting on my father, and our relationship.... what he was like when I was young... what I was like.  It was similiar when my mom died, except it was more about her as a teen, and really connecting with who she was then.  How she felt about herself, and us... her children.  I have a letter on my bed... she wrote it to her children in 1980.  I get something different from it every time I read it.  I'll read it again soon when I can focus.  Right now there's so much to be done. 

This is grieving.  This is allowing myself to feel very sad, so I can move through it, and get past it.  It's very sad, guys.  This is also exploration of my decision making process.  All the fear, and paralysis around it.... the pulling it apart, figuring out what's fear, and what's safety.  I have got to find more comfort with making decisions.  There's too much anxiety around it.  Just too much.  That must change.

Lighter

I'm glad you're allowing the sadness in, Lighter.  As unpleasant as it is, it's necessary and very much needed.  I'm glad you have that letter from your mum.  It amazes me how the same piece of writing can give us different things at different times.  Our perspective changes, I think, so we are more attuned to some things than others.  I'm glad you have that.

Yes, doing things the hard way.  For me it's part of my 'proving I'm worth being here' thing.  I recognise it in myself, although I'm getting better at not feeling bad about taking short cuts or just bunging something in and thinking 'that will do'.  Some aspect of "if I tick every box then I'm okay".  I don't know if it's the same for you.  The upside is it makes us very resourceful and practical, whatever the reason

I hope you got the case on your phone somehow.  I'm with you in the sadness.  ((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))

Love Tupp xx

[Hopalong]

Lighter, you are such a brave soul.
I think you are lonely and deserve tender maternal comfort and support.

Grief brings it all up so painfully. But you are so wise to accept and respect these feelings as they rise.

You are lyrical and evocative when you write about your vulnerability, while at the same time a nimble emotional ninja.

I think sometimes we just have to rest in the arms of kindness, wherever we can find it. And that includes finding the greatest tenderness for our hurts within ourselves.

Maybe you're not a superhero. Maybe just a woman who wants to be nurtured just as intensely as you want to create beauty, cook love into food, make meaning and good memories for your children.

Deep peace in the ceremony and the moment, on the farm.

Deep healing as you
s
l
o
w

D
o
w
n

Love to you,
Hops

[lighter]

Thank you for those beautiful words, Hops. 

We'll have a lovely fire for my father.... here..... and you can say a few words. 

Everyone in their Amazon garb.... everyone dancing.

::sigh::.

I'm afraid I'm a bit paralyzed by other people's emotions today.  They say it's easy to hurt strong people..... well... one of my best friends said that to me once..... and I find it's true.

People, who HAVE to lash out....

they have to really dig deep..... go for jugulars... for life threatening choices when we don't squeak easy.

I've really noticed how the PD people whine, and moan and scream..... solidly claiming the victim high ground.

And it's so terribly useful.... so terribly..... confusing.

That big dark stink cloud of confusion..... is the PD's very good weapon.

Those of us telling the truth, calmly, with stoicism and zero drama..... actually telling the story without telling the entire PD truth, bc it makes us sound insane when we speak THAT kind of truth.....

I've had a very good look at that, up close, lately.  I've made some discoveries.... and don't take what follows the wrong way.  I know I have to take some walls down.  Some barricades have served their purpose... but....

Sadly, I've decided I'm going to have to build taller, stronger thicker walls in some directions.  And that's the thing, right?  Figuring all that out..... from behind the stink of PD confusion CLAIMING we're harming them when we take care of ourselves... when we have boundaries, any kind at all..... when we should have our minds clear and going about the business of handling our lives.... we're instead dealing with PD chaos manufacture coupled with finger pointing, and all the interpersonal terrorism that goes with.  Everyone here knows what that is.  What it looks like. 

 And I'm going to be drawing lines in the sand again.... very soon.  Erasing some, sure, moving them back..... figuring out which is which, and how to go about it.

Hops..... you don't have to draw lines at the T's office.  Get information that helps find those lines.... then worry about how to draw them, and when.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'm sorry you're going through this Lighter. I don't know what it is about someone's death that ignites the PD-follies... but it was one of the reasons I put myself behind some big thick walls and was extremely picky about who I talked to and when. As it was, people tried to push in anyway, and I wasn't very "nice" about making them go away.

I really didn't have a spare ounce of attention-span or caring about what other people felt about Mike or how "I was getting along". I just wanted to be left alone with my feelings; feel the weight and the reality of them; eat when I felt like it and sleep that way too. And watch the sun come up and go down... until the weight was lighter. And it doesn't matter to me one bit, what people think about my choice to do that. As long as they left me alone to do it - LOL.

Hang in there. It gets easier, the more time passes.

[lighter]

I long for tall thick walls, Amber.  I'm glad you could erect them after Mike.

I'm living in circus land..... only rings,. no walls right now. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter, I don't know what/whom/why you're dealing with right at this moment.

But I can hear that you feel overwhelmed, and beset, and anxious.

I'm very sorry.

You've been through a LOT lately, with enormous adrenaline crashing and surging, and it's clear you're running on fumes.

If I could send you some magical chamomiley potion that would remind you...you are the woman patient enough to plant a yardfull of moss, to cope with cranky/crazy situations in the Caribbean, to come home to deal with your stepdad's funeral and all Those Family Things...

You've got to be beyond exhausted.
Time for self-kindness on steroids.

Breathe, find peace, even little pieces.

You'll get through this passage too.

I'm sorry to hear the fear and tension in you, and hope windows of light will quickly start cracking open, reminding you, it's going to be okay.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you for those beautiful words, Hops. 

We'll have a lovely fire for my father.... here..... and you can say a few words. 

Everyone in their Amazon garb.... everyone dancing.

::sigh::.

I'm afraid I'm a bit paralyzed by other people's emotions today.  They say it's easy to hurt strong people..... well... one of my best friends said that to me once..... and I find it's true.

People, who HAVE to lash out....

they have to really dig deep..... go for jugulars... for life threatening choices when we don't squeak easy.

I've really noticed how the PD people whine, and moan and scream..... solidly claiming the victim high ground.

And it's so terribly useful.... so terribly..... confusing.

That big dark stink cloud of confusion..... is the PD's very good weapon.

Those of us telling the truth, calmly, with stoicism and zero drama..... actually telling the story without telling the entire PD truth, bc it makes us sound insane when we speak THAT kind of truth.....

I've had a very good look at that, up close, lately.  I've made some discoveries.... and don't take what follows the wrong way.  I know I have to take some walls down.  Some barricades have served their purpose... but....

Sadly, I've decided I'm going to have to build taller, stronger thicker walls in some directions.  And that's the thing, right?  Figuring all that out..... from behind the stink of PD confusion CLAIMING we're harming them when we take care of ourselves... when we have boundaries, any kind at all..... when we should have our minds clear and going about the business of handling our lives.... we're instead dealing with PD chaos manufacture coupled with finger pointing, and all the interpersonal terrorism that goes with.  Everyone here knows what that is.  What it looks like. 

 And I'm going to be drawing lines in the sand again.... very soon.  Erasing some, sure, moving them back..... figuring out which is which, and how to go about it.

Hops..... you don't have to draw lines at the T's office.  Get information that helps find those lines.... then worry about how to draw them, and when.

Lighter

Lighter, my first every T, lovely lady, similar age to my mum so very therapeutic to have a 'mum' therapist, talked to me about the importance of building a fence around your emotions, your thoughts, your heart and so on, and putting a gate in it so you can let the good people in and keep other people out.  She said you wouldn't leave your front door wide open so anyone could wander in off the street so you shouldn't do that with your heart, either.  It made so much sense to me and I think you do have to be discerning about who is in your life and who needs to be relegated to a card at Christmas and nothing else.  I think particularly when you lose someone, you see the best in some people and the worst in others.  Life can just go from us without notice or warning and I think filling it with good people/energy/experiences is so much better for us than tolerating others for whatever reason.  I hope you've been able to find a way through it all at the moment.

Love Tupp xx

PS I kept trying to post this yesterday and couldn't for some reason, so am hoping it is better behaved today xx

[sKePTiKal]

I would restate Tupp's idea into a mantra or motto this way:

You can't fix crazy.
All you can do is manage how, when, & where you HAVE TO come in contact with it. Lots of times, you don't HAVE TO anything. Because no matter what you do/don't do... crazy just keeps on the way it's always been.

But then, I have a bunch of silly ideas about the general topic of "people". And I'm scrupulously picky about the people I allow around me. Made some mistakes; sure! And learned from them. Dusted myself off... and continued on life's "adventure".

[lighter]

Hi Guys:

Today I'm plodding through emotional concrete trying to book a venue, and fiddler for father's memorial service.  I have exactly what, and who I'd like... just have to nail dates with them if they'll contact me back. 

Look up Ashokan Farewell played on fiddle..... and Wind River Waltz.... and Midnight On The Water.  It's breaking my heart, it's so beautiful, and what I'd like to hear at this service..... esp if we can book the botanical gardens we have in mind.  I'll have moss center pieces everywhere... with moss from father's farm. 

I can hardly think today.  Can hardly breath.  This is the day it's finally sunk in.... my father is really gone.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

So only do what you have to dear. I was on a "diet" of only one thing a day, when I felt like that. And if I didn't do that one thing (or talked myself out it)... I LET IT HAPPEN and didn't fuss at myself. Obviously, it was what I needed at that moment.

It's not a bad thing to learn to do. Did it again today, because I didn't relish going out in this chilly steady rain to take my first lesson at the controls of my new equipment. Postponed everything till Thursday.

As a result, the world did NOT come to an end and no one's terribly upset by it.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Guys:

Today I'm plodding through emotional concrete trying to book a venue, and fiddler for father's memorial service.  I have exactly what, and who I'd like... just have to nail dates with them if they'll contact me back. 

Look up Ashokan Farewell played on fiddle..... and Wind River Waltz.... and Midnight On The Water.  It's breaking my heart, it's so beautiful, and what I'd like to hear at this service..... esp if we can book the botanical gardens we have in mind.  I'll have moss center pieces everywhere... with moss from father's farm. 

I can hardly think today.  Can hardly breath.  This is the day it's finally sunk in.... my father is really gone.

Lighter

Ashokan Farewell and Midnight on the Water are beautiful, Lighter, hadn't heard either of them before.  The version I watched of Ashokan Farewell had a video of a little girl running through a field - made me think of you.  I couldn't find Wind River Waltz.

I'm sorry.  I can only offer you hugs and to know that I'm thinking of you.  That moment of realisation that someone has gone is one of the hardest things to endure.  My advice would be not to try to fight it.  Sink into it, let it envelope you, feel your Dad within it and all around it.  He's still there in your heart, Lighter, that will never change.

Love Tupp xx

[sKePTiKal]

We played lots of Jimmy Buffett for Mike's party. Especially "Pirate Looks at 40". After he bought the Mustang (I was kinda involved in that too)... we'd drive around the back roads here with the top down and blast that through the speakers... feeling on top of the world.

There is no doubt, that he loved his "toys"... and the status he felt as a result of them. Not my thing at all. That stuff was just "stuff" to me and people mattered a whole lot more. But I do get the "image, appearance, persona" boost that comes with putting together a certain "look"... I just don't hold it as a goal in life.

Spring - when it finally gets here - is so very pretty in this area. Like a garden of eden pretty.

[lighter]

OK.... we have the venue booked, and a fiddler for the service.  The musician has to run afterwards, so there will be regular music.... some 50's... some cowboy.... some country, which my Dad loved, and grew up with. 

We still have to book a caterer, but not worried about it.  Just having the venue, the music, and the Priest handled makes it easy to breath again. 

Now.... on to figuring out the service and music selections. All siblings have different idea of what the service should be, so will be piecing together. 

I feel better today.  So much better.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I'm so glad, Lighter.

Let it be

i
m
p
e
r
f
e
c
t

Okay?

And even enjoy it.
Great wakes are like that.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

OK.... we have the venue booked, and a fiddler for the service.  The musician has to run afterwards, so there will be regular music.... some 50's... some cowboy.... some country, which my Dad loved, and grew up with. 

We still have to book a caterer, but not worried about it.  Just having the venue, the music, and the Priest handled makes it easy to breath again. 

Now.... on to figuring out the service and music selections. All siblings have different idea of what the service should be, so will be piecing together. 

I feel better today.  So much better.

Lighter

((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))  I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.  I've been thinking of you.  The music choices sound great and made me smile.  So nice to have a celebration of life and to include so many people in it.  I'm glad you got those things booked up.  I hope the rest of it falls into place.  I'm sure your dad will be watching over things making sure all goes according to plan xx