Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry. I understand how heartrending this is.
Addiction is just defeating thinking and NO amount of reason cures it.
It includes self pity, arrested development, and neglect of family.
And some people do let themselves die. It is very tragic and you are RIGHT
to accept the detachment you're forced to adopt to not drown along with her.

It's not exactly parallel but our wakes do cross in this.

Strange as it sounds, my efforts to emotionally survive in the six years
since my D "vaporized" me from her life, well into poorly managed bipolar...
those efforts did finally get me to a place of peace.

Now I am living my own life, and though she comes into my thoughts and
sometimes there is pain...generally I accept that she is gone.

Anything different would be a new relationship, and I would be a different
woman/mother. And I'm not expecting it nor even hoping for it at this point.

Now and then my sorrow for her rolls over me but I let it go through and
beyond. She truly is beyond my reach.

I almost think it's harder for you because you do still have contact, even
if mostly through Hol.

I'm so sorry.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

That does sound so hard, Skep, you never stop being a mum, do you?  Which is why it's hard when your grown up kids keep making crap decisions and you can't do anything about it.  I wish things had turned out a bit better.  You are right to say that you and H should keep reminding yourselves not to feel guilty.  No-one can make people change paths if that person is really resistant to doing it for themselves (or if they do change it's only for a short time before they go back to the way they were).  I can only hope A does see there's a different way at some point xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks. It's a weird place to be in. To be past the sadness, grief, and the urge "to do something to help". I struggle with the idea that I'm abandoning her - but it's not true. I'm still here should she find her way back. Genuinely.

Hops, yes the wakes cross. Yes, one clings to merest whiff of hope - even when rationally one knows it's not likely that real change will occur. In my case, there have been so many times that she's seemed to get it, understand, and promised to take herself in hand... and it was just the addiction using my inexhaustible hope for it's own purposes. That's a level of anger perhaps only you would understand. A foreign, unusual type... and it doesn't even lash out anymore.

I've even given her my penultimate "secret formula" - that you have to matter to YOU - to no avail. And she's made it clear how little other people matter to her. Or maybe that's the addiction and she's being held hostage by it... somewhere, way inside.

I guess it's come up for me again, because Hol thinks the spiral is escalating... and she is trying to find a way to deal with it herself. She knows and understands where I'm at with it... but she feels a bit differently. Which is OK. They are sisters, despite how much mothering Hol has done of her sister. And Hol looks way further forward trying to anticipate and ready herself for things she thinks are inevitable. I've learned to just take it as comes, because the feelings to specific things simply can't be predicted ahead of time. And whatever they turn out to be - they are bearable. I no longer fear soul-wrenching grief as much practice as I've had... and no matter how non-fuctional I am dealing with it. And I'll still go out of my way to head it off or avoid it... until I just cave and give in.

But this is different somehow. Being resigned to whatever fate has in store and since I'm not permitted to "fix it"... and all attempts have been thrown back to me as total failure, with anger and hostility on top... it's really hard to let myself care. Defensive shield, I guess. It's certainly not the same as releasing the outcome. She doesn't care that I care, when the addiction is in control.

SIGH. So it is what it is. And not a damn thing I can do about it, except take care of myself, and the rest of the family.

[Twoapenny]

I think it's how we protect ourselves, Skep, we do care but we know if we acknowledge that or keep putting it out there it's just something that gets thrown back at us and hurts us more.  So we bury it down deeper and get on with what we need to do.  I think the litmus test of whether you care or not is whether if that person reached out to you, genuinely wanting help to change and fix their own problems - not for you to fix them, but to help them fix themselves - would you help?  And I think the answer for all of us is yes.  Funnily enough I was thinking about my mum again today, and the sisters I no longer have contact with.  If any of them reached out with a view to having a relationship but acknowledging it couldn't be the way it used to be (with me taking x, y and z amounts of crap and just absorbing it all) then I'd say yes in a heart beat.  They can't, so I don't - but the care is still in there somewhere, deep down, and I expect it is with you as well.  It's hard.  Holly seems to have her head screwed on for the both of them   I'll keep hoping A sees a chink of light somewhere and asks someone to help her change direction at some point xx

[Hopalong]

Oh yes, Tupp. In a heartbeat.
The heart-space is there for her absolutely. Always will be. It's why I'm leaving her a house.
It's just a still, peaceful space that doesn't need me marching in and out, cleaning and keening.

If the host of this heart is to survive--meaning me--I can't do that. Have to close the
door (it's not locked) into that space and just rest in faith that I'd be able to enter it again
if she came knocking (appointment slip to family counselor in hand).

She and that heart-space will always be part of me.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I think that's what's so hard when we have to 'give up' on someone for the sake of our own health/sanity/other family and so on.  Turning away from someone you love is so difficult, especially when it's because they have health or addiction problems (and maybe they're two sides of the same coin?) because you know it could be different if they dealt with the issue.  But they can't or won't and so you have to choose to either sacrifice yourself (and a lot of us do, for a long time) or sacrifice what you have with them.  Rocks and hard places

[lighter]

Amber and Hops:

These posts freeze my heart, and make it hard to breathe. 

We can't save anyone from themselves, even though it seems it should be a mother's super power, imo. 

I'm praying for the best possible outcome for your daughters.  I'm praying for all our children.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Well, remember my theory about some people just don't have a maternal instinct? At 41, with a 17 & 13 yr old, you'd think A would step up and be the "mom" right? Apparently, not. She can't even mother herself - with lots of constant coaching on how to do that. There are just some things about the human condition and "people" I am never, ever going to be able to comprehend or do anything about. It is truly as if they live in another parallel universe. Another reality.

More PLEASANT ramblings...

I have spring fever. Badly. And I am now in a position where responsibilities are being lifted off of me - less to think about, remember, take care of... so the creative wavelengths are kicking in, and revving up. Instead of being flooded with emotions, I'm flooded with IDEAS of things to create/build/plant and I'm having to work hard at grounding myself back in priorities, practicality, sanity... LOL. So I'm having to indulge the nesting instinct, the futzing perfectionist, the artist... with a flurry of DIY projects and more house decorating/refining my "vision" of the new "style"... etc.

I'm giving up post-modern pirate and moving on to an eclectic combo of industrial, rustic and Viking Shield Maiden. Plenty of little feminine touches (think: blush PINK & furs) scattered around. And lots of strong, earthy materials: wood, steel and stone.

There is a dearth of the spring bulbs I love here. A few lonely, struggling clumps of Daffs along the driveway is IT. Holly's going to have time this season to work on some metal projects in the shop (went back to work on production yesterday)... so I need to design my kitchen/herb garden. I have a pretty big area and lots of rocks to work with... so I need to plan out paths, sections, and decide what might do well, where. That got pushed to the back burner last year. An outdoor kitchen - rough hewn, durable, and protected from wind/weather somewhat. A bunkhouse that is big enough for a ballroom... LOL. Or tai chi classes... or who knows?

All stuff floating around in my wacky head right now. Be interesting to see what floats up to the top and actually gets put on this year's list.

[Twoapenny]

It sounds amazing, Skep, keep us all posted with what happens when, it's very exciting xx

[sKePTiKal]

Some of it may not happen for awhile. I like having enough free time now, to do things like get my hair cut well... go out for lunch, etc stuff. LOL. Since I got up so early today, I've already accomplished today's task - blend in the patches of new pine with the old logs - for today. Tomorrow, I'll caulk the drafty places.

[lighter]

Oh I've always wanted a big industrial space for working out.... with mats.  Light flooding in.... powerful overhead fans.  Your bunkhouse project sounds terrific. It can be so many things.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Rethinking the bunkhouse idea, Lighter. Holly had an idea, which didn't make any sense to me, given my original vision - but on second thought, it has a lot of merit. We'll get a chance to pursue that soon.

Somehow I used about 800 gals of propane last month. That works out to about 3 grand for ONE MONTH. I have lots of useful big brothers consulting - one who ran a propane company for awhile. So, I'm putting that issue on my list too.

FINGERS CROSSED - buyer for the beach house wanted to move closing up to today. I don't know what time, but this time tomorrow the funds should be joining the little cabin proceeds in my account, and that mortgage paid off.

Right now, I'm a bit kerfuffled about choosing things on the list. Lots to think about... choose... plan... prioritize... and just plain old enjoy with a big rednecked grin on my face. I've already indulged myself in some shopping for the house. Finally found an entertainment unit that I like, goes with the new style, is the right color... and will fit in the space next to the fireplace. Been looking/thinking about that for a year. Some other smaller things; finishing touches too. And that basically takes care of the main floor. So, on to downstairs and upstairs... and the garage/studio.

There are outside things... rather big projects. But it's not quite nice enough yet to do a lot outside. The mud makes footing pretty treacherous, since the ground is frozen pretty deep this year.

And I feel like I just want to slow down for a bit on the big things until I can really get out and walk around more and look... lots of LOOKING... before I make commitments with contractors again. I knew what I was getting into last summer and because it was so important, there was no resistance to having my house open most of the time - bugs - and contractors here 4 days a week.

I can relate to Tupp's "weird feeling" - LOL - there's a huge weight that's lifting off of me right now. And I don't have to BE grounded, until it's time to file taxes - it'll be awhile. So, while I don't have a plan yet - and won't until I make some choices - I'm just going to let the imagination have free rein for a bit. Let it play... and see what gets discovered. February is my least favorite month of the year; thankfully it's also short. The weather - here - can be really crappy that month too. So, it's the perfect time for to let the ideas settle down into some semblance of practicality and yet still feed the fun side too.

[Hopalong]

SOLAR? (And if it's possible for your home, do it fast. Trump's anti-solar tarif will make it much costlier.)

Next best, geothermal?

xo

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

WOO HOO!!

Mission to simplify life ACCOMPLISHED. Only took 2 years and 3 months to deal with Mike's death, chart a course and sail it. LOL. Both little cabin & beach house responsibilities - gone. Money in bank to fund crazy ideas about this place. Which is way bigger than initially purchased.

I'm still letting it all sink in. Probably need at LEAST the weekend, for it to settle, that this place is ALL I need to worry about now. Hol will show up late tonight to have a girls weekend (even though she's expecting to work, it's mostly going to be design/plan phase; and getting her acquainted with financial aspects of my life).

This smells like more freedom... and I'm loving it!

[Twoapenny]

WOO HOO!!

Mission to simplify life ACCOMPLISHED. Only took 2 years and 3 months to deal with Mike's death, chart a course and sail it. LOL. Both little cabin & beach house responsibilities - gone. Money in bank to fund crazy ideas about this place. Which is way bigger than initially purchased.

I'm still letting it all sink in. Probably need at LEAST the weekend, for it to settle, that this place is ALL I need to worry about now. Hol will show up late tonight to have a girls weekend (even though she's expecting to work, it's mostly going to be design/plan phase; and getting her acquainted with financial aspects of my life).

This smells like more freedom... and I'm loving it!

Aw, Skep, that sounds lovely!  I'm glad those things are sorted out and a bit more weight has gone from your shoulders